I love you because...

...you never give up.

2012-01-07T18:54:00.002-05:00

I'm getting help from the eating disorders program. I have a counsellor and a dietitian and I see them a couple of times each every month. I've done this before. It didn't help, mainly because I quit. But I've committed the next six months of my life. I've promised that I won't quit and that I'll do more than just put in the time. I've promised to make an effort.

Their way of doing things is so far from the way I usually do things, that it feels like I'm doing nothing at all. I've been seeing them for about a month now and so far, we haven't even advanced past the menu planning stage. We're not even all that focused on following a meal plan at this point. Just having one. You'd think that would be easy, but it's not. But I'm not supposed to focus on what I'm not doing right, only what I am doing right.

I don't know if this will work. I have my doubts...but T and C know about them and they still seem to think they can help. So we'll see where this goes.

Goodbye, Mom

2011-12-29T23:28:00.002-05:00

Four months ago, my Mom died. I can't even begin to express my feelings about this. I was nowhere near finished grieving for my Dad and now, Mom is gone too.

I've mentioned here before, on more than one occasion, that I have Mommy issues. It's true. Things were complicated between us. But one thing is certain; I loved her so much. And I knew how she felt about me because she told me. All the time, she told me she loved me, that she was proud of me, that she thought I was smart and beautiful, that she was amazed at the mother I'd become...I could go on for hours. She sometimes did! And now she's gone. And I'm going to miss her so much. I want my mom.

...you are teaching them well.

2011-04-23T17:22:00.002-04:00

I believe that when people look at me, they see someone who is emotionally intelligent. Someone who can share her feelings openly and who can easily sympathize with others. This couldn't be farther from the truth. The fact is, I never share my true feelings. Nobody who knows me realizes that I feel lost and scared and inferior pretty much all the time. I find it embarrassing to admit that I don't know something or that I'm afraid of something or that I'm disappointed about something. I find it embarrassing to admit that I'm really happy or that I'm excited about something. I hate being the butt of a joke because I can't laugh at myself. I find it embarrassing to admit that I'm embarrassed about something!

Up until recently I believed what I'm sure everyone else believes. It's only recently that I've discovered that I'm emotionally blocked off from everyone around me. Part of this discovery came when my dad died. I could't cry in front of my siblings. Our dad just died and I couldn't cry with them. I could put my arm around them and nod and coo while they cried, but I couldn't do it myself. And then, to top it off, I discovered that I couldn't cry about it when I was alone either. I'd start to think of him and the tears would come and then I'd realize that I just felt stupid. Stupid and fake. So I'd push the feelings away and move on to something else. I became stuck.

I give off this image that everything is great. People must hate that. But the thing is, I try to open up and share and I just feel embarrassed! It's weird.

But even though I'm apparently some kind of emotional underachiever, I'm teaching my daughters that's it's perfectly okay, no, imperative, to share their feelings. It's necessary to put words to the feelings they have so that they can see that they are not alone and so they may learn to deal with them or at least live with them. Today, I overheard the following conversation as they were making egg carton boats:

Berio: Awwwwww!!!!

Bones: What's the matter? Are you sad?

Berio: No. I'm just disappointed.

Bones: How come?

Berio: I can't get my straw to stay in the right place!

Bones: Can I help you?

Berio: Okay. :)

Alright, it seems pretty minor but I was struck by the fact that 1) Bones, at six, was able to hone in on the fact that there was something wrong with her sister, 2) They were both easily able to name the feelings they were talking about and 3) I taught them to do that!

Maybe I'll be alright, after all.

...you still have hope.

2011-04-22T21:01:00.002-04:00

Even when I feel hopeless, which I do most of the time lately, there's a part of me that must surely still feel as though I can finally figure it all out. I'm always looking for the magic book or article or website that will show me the path to wellness. If I truly thought all was lost and that there was no hope for me, would I bother?

...you learned from their mistakes.

2011-04-14T15:00:00.002-04:00

I stopped by my mom's place today to pick up some paperwork. I called first but there was no answer. I decided to go over and call from her parking lot - Mom has trouble getting around sometimes and she just may not have been close to the phone. When I called from outside her building, there was again no answer. At this point, I actually became a bit concerned. Mom is not the type to go out for any reason other than a medical appointment these days and she knew I was coming over. She should have been there. I thought she might have fallen or something so I went to her balcony door (thankfully, she's on the main floor...) She was there, on her couch, passed out (or something) with a burnt out cigarette in her hand. The apartment was a mess. I dialed her number again and watched her. She didn't move until the 5th ring, at which point she grabbed the phone while yelling an obscenity. I hung up and banged on the window. She turned and looked at me uncomprehendingly for a moment. When she came to the door, I could see that she was out of it and smelled mildly of booze but she didn't seem hungover. She was just really, really spaced out. She takes a lot of medication so even if she only had a drink or two, she could be affected like this...She thought I said I was coming tomorrow. It IS tomorrow, I told her. Anyhow, the whole incident made me anxious and sad and my first instinct when leaving her place was to get a bag of chips and run home to eat them.

But I didn't. I used to get angry when she was like this. Today, I felt nothing but pity. I even tried to be angry but the feeling just kept fizzling out. I just feel sorry for her. She is very, very sick both physically and emotionally and she's not likely to change at this point in her life. There was a time, when I was younger, when my biggest wish was for her to get well. Now, I wish her the absolute best, but it doesn't affect me if she continues to live her life like this. What struck me on the way home is that my life right now is so far removed from the way she lives her life that it's hard to believe she is my mother. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I have a good job, my house is reasonably clean, my husband and I have a relationship built on love and respect, my children are well-adjusted. I have broken the cycle of drug abuse and physical abuse. I have many, many issues left that I have to work on. But for today, I'm doing just fine.

Overhaul!

2011-04-14T06:02:00.003-04:00

This blog will be going through somewhat of an overhaul. I can't focus on losing weight anymore. It's just making me fatter. I have to focus on accepting my body, and as corny as it sounds, loving my body. How do you love a body that is a hundred pounds overweight? I really don't know. But I have to try. Because right now I'm miserable and diets are not working.

Anyhow, change is coming.

Yes, it IS a diet and no, you CAN'T eat anything you want.

2011-02-19T22:13:00.003-05:00

Alright, here's the deal. I joined Weight Watchers (WW) online. Again. I had a moment last month where I felt like I was never going to get the call from the eating disorders program and that I was going to continue to gain weight at a mind boggling rate and that I just needed to do SOMETHING to stop the bleeding, so to speak. So, I signed up. I was embarrassed to even tell my husband. That's how messed up I've gotten. I'm embarrassed to tell the people that I love that I'm trying to lose weight again. Anyhow, things are going okay. I've lost a few pounds instead of gaining them, so that's alright.

I'm starting to get to the point (that I always get to) where I'm losing momentum because I'm so sick and tired of thinking about food all the time! I think about what I can have and what I can't have. I think about whether or not I'm being "good" and then I admonish myself for thinking of it in terms of being "good" or "bad". Because this isn't a diet. It's a lifestyle change - if I could write that so you could see me rolling my eyes, I would! My poor brain has a hard time grasping the concept that I'm not on a diet. To me, not being on a diet means eating what I want, when I want and in quantities that I want. But due to my new "lifestyle", I can't settle in to watch my shows with a bag of Doritos and some chocolate. Even though, I'm not on a diet and I can eat whatever I want. I simply choose not to eat the Doritos. Ahem....yeah. Right.

I have to face it. I'm on a diet. And I will have to follow this diet for the rest of my life if I want to get to and maintain a healthy weight. Call it a lifestyle change, call it whatever you want. A diet by any other name is still smaller portions and healthier foods.

Hush, Little Babies

2011-01-28T22:15:00.003-05:00

Every night when the girls go to bed, provided I am not at work, I go and tuck them in. First I go into Berio's room. I kiss her and hug her and cuddle her. She goes to sleep now the same way she did when she was a baby...fighting it every step of the way. I don't stay in her room long. Staying there would only prolong things and there is a very small window of opportunity to get Berio to sleep before she gets overtired and ends up being awake for hours. She rocks herself to sleep sitting up. More often than not, she ends up slumped over in what must be a most uncomfortable position. I go back into Berio's room and I whisper, "Lie down, Sweetie" she lies down on her side and curls up. She doesn't like blankets, but I cover her up anyway. I don't want her to get cold.

After I leave her room, I go into Bonesie's room. She likes to be held and to have her back scratched. She also likes to be sung to. She, too, goes to sleep the same way she did when she was a baby...fast. Once she settles in, it only takes her a few minutes to get to sleep. And what a sound sleeper she is! I've never seen anything like it. Nothing can wake this kid up. Sometimes, I'll doze off in her bed with her. I'll fall asleep thinking about what they mean to me.

I know that I need to lose weight for myself...for my health. And maybe someday, I'll get to the point where I believe that I'm worth the kind of care and attention that losing this much weight requires. But in the meantime, I have to keep telling myself that these girls need their mother. If I don't lose weight, I will die sooner than than I need to. They're little girls, for crying out loud. They need their mother! Even when they're no longer little girls, they'll need their mother. Someday, they'll get married and have babies of their own and hopefully they'll need (or maybe just really want!) their mother. For now, I'm going to have to do this for them. They really are worth it :)

A year of firsts.

2011-01-17T21:03:00.006-05:00

Tomorrow it will be a year to the day since you left us. This past year has been a year of firsts for me. My first birthday without you, the first Father's Day without you. The first time I didn't send a card or call you on your birthday (or, let's face it a day or two after your birthday). We celebrated our first Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year without you. It's been a long, difficult year. We've gone through your things, one by one. You really had a lot stuff! We joked about how pissed you'd be to see us getting rid of it all. And now, we've sold your home. Saying goodbye has been a long, painful process. Things haven't always gone as smoothly as I'm sure you would have wanted but we're doing the best that we can. I think we're all going to be okay. I think you'd be proud. Not a day goes by where I don't think about you, Dad. And tonight into tomorrow, though it hurts so bad, I'll be remembering your last hours. I'll be thinking about how this is yet another first. The first anniversary. I hope you're okay. I hope, wherever you are, you're at peace. I love you. I miss you.

The next step

2011-01-13T14:23:00.003-05:00

January is always a time for new beginnings and fresh starts. I'm not immune to the lure of a clean slate although, I've again sworn off dieting so that's not going to be in my list of New Year's Promises (as Bonsie's 1st grade teacher calls them).

The past year has been incredibly hard for me, weight-loss wise. There's nothing like a family tragedy in the first month of the year coupled with a huge increase in stress for the remainder of the year to prove that my propensity for eating my emotions away is alive and well. There were times over this past year when not only did I eat to numb my feelings but that I consciously chose foods for their stupor-inducing properties (Hello, Creamy Bacon Carbonara?!). I knowingly ate so that I would stop hurting. The problem is, it didn't work. No matter how much I ate, I still felt sad and raw and slightly crazy. No matter how much I ate, I couldn't stop the tears from coming. No matter how much I ate, I couldn't forget that my dad was gone. I tried therapy, but it was some weird online therapy that my workplace offered. It didn't help much. But the therapist did recommend some books by Geneen Roth. I decided that my new focus was going to be on changing my head and not my body and I went out and bought some of those recommended books. One, in particular, resonated with me: The Craggy Hole in My Heart and the Cat Who Fixed it. It was beautiful. I laughed, I cried...you know.

I talked to my family doctor and asked him to give me another referral to the Eating Disorders Program. He did and that's where we are right now. Waiting to hear from the program and to find out if they'll take me on as a patient. They did before, so hopefully, they will again.

I'll keep you posted.

I'm thinking of going public!

2011-01-13T14:06:00.002-05:00

This blog is already public but nobody in my real life knows about it. I didn't think that I could be really honest about what I was going through if I knew that they were reading. But I'm considering changing that. I want to write about my struggle. I still think that if I can get things under control that what I have to say might help someone. So, yeah, I'm thinking of outing my blog to my family. Maybe.

I used to have a few semi-regular readers but I think they've gone away. I looked back and it seems as though I only wrote seven entries in all of 2010. 2010 sucked ass. I can't promise that the topic of my dad and how I'm dealing with his passing won't come up...but as the year anniversary of his death approaches, I'm starting to feel like it's time to move on. I don't know how I'm going to do that. I guess we'll see.

I wonder if this will be the year?

2011-01-13T02:15:00.003-05:00

I turn 40 this year. I weigh more than I ever have in my life. I've been referred (again) to the eating disorders program by my family doctor for treatment of binge eating/compulsive overeating.

I hope to all that's holy that this is my rock bottom. It certainly feels like rock bottom. I'm ready to start the long climb out of this wretched life. I really hope this is the year at all clicks.

Dear Dad,

2010-06-20T00:34:00.002-04:00

If you were here, I would do better. I'd call more. I'd visit more. I'd listen to all of your stories no matter how many times I'd already heard them. I'd ask more questions about the boy you were and the man you became. I'd let you know that you were the single biggest influence on my life. I'd let you know that if you were proud of me, you should also have been proud of yourself because you are the reason that I am who I am. I'd let you know that I love you and that I miss you every day. I miss you so much.

Have some oatmeal!

2010-06-18T08:43:00.003-04:00

I've been having oatmeal with nuts and raisins for breakfast every day for the past week and a half. I've been counting calories with the Lose It! app on my phone. To date, I've lost almost 7 lbs.

Yesterday I went off the rails a bit. I had a doctor's appointment, skipped breakfast, was hungry all day, yadda, yadda, yadda. But I'm going to make my oatmeal right now...so that's alright.

I feel that I've turned a corner. Whether I actually have or not, remains to be seen.

I'll keep you posted :)

Melodramatic, much?

2010-05-12T22:30:00.002-04:00

Okay, so I didn't really think anyone was reading when I posted that last entry. But, apparently at least one person was! Not only was Ambyland kind enough to leave some words of support awhile back but she also came back to see how I was doing. I appreciate that so much! What a world we live in, where a perfect stranger can reach out, and with a few words, make someone feel a little less alone. Thank you, Ambyland!

I really did feel as dark as that last post sounded! It's been a fantastically, yucky year so far. First Dad died. I'm devastated by that. I loved him so, so much.

And the very day he died, we found out that my mom needed a heart bypass in addition to the two valve replacements we already knew about. I've been worried sick about her. I flew to Hamilton with her a couple of weeks ago and she had the surgery. She made it through the surgery...against the odds she had been given. Now she's in the hospital back in our home city. She's taking longer to recover than the average heart patient because she has many, many other health problems. I'm normally a very optimistic person (not really evident in this blog!) but optimism is hard for me right now. I was optimistic about my dad's chances for recovery and he died. So I'm still worried about her.

Then, on Mother's Day, we had to take Berio to the hospital. She was complaining of hip pain. They thought it might be a bladder infection but admitted us anyway, to rule out a hip joint/bone infection - which would require surgery. After two days in the hospital, hip infection was ruled out, bladder infection was ruled out and she was better. Now we have to do more tests. And I'm going to be scared all over again until we know for sure that she's okay.

I'm eating my emotions away. I'm self-medicating with food. I eat until I feel so full that I couldn't imagine eating anything else. I eat until I feel nothing but self-loathing and disgust for my lack of willpower; until there's no room for anything else, like grief and fear. And self-medicating this way is killing me. It is literally killing me. And that starts the sadness and the fear. And that makes me want to have a snack. It's a vicious, vicious circle.

However (yes, there is a however!), I firmly believe that I will get through this all. Because that's what I do. I keep going. I never give up.

Drowning...

2010-04-26T18:15:00.002-04:00

I feel like I'm drowning. Or being buried alive. These are dark, dark days. I can see beauty (my girls), I can hear it, but it doesn't touch me. I'm an empty shell. I want to sleep.

An essay

2010-04-09T13:27:00.002-04:00

Results Not Typical

The first time I went on a diet, I was in the seventh grade. I remember being in the locker room at school, talking with my friends. I think the gist of the diet was to eat dry toast and drink lots of water. Some of the other girls were incredulous. “You’re on a diet? You don’t need to be on a diet!!” I thought they were just being nice, although I did appreciate the compliment. I don’t think that particular diet lasted long, but it was the first diet in an almost 30 year (and counting) relationship with the diet and fitness industries.

When I was in the ninth grade, my stepmother joined Weight Watchers. I decided to follow along without actually joining. It worked. I lost nine pounds. But, of course, I gained it all back once I stopped tracking my food. Eventually, I joined Weight Watchers myself, twice. I also did the online version, twice. I tried counting points without actually joining, way more than twice.
Next up was the Cabbage Soup Diet. You know, the one where you eat nothing but cabbage soup and one or two very specific foods per day for a week. I think I lasted until the day I was supposed to eat nothing but cabbage soup and bananas. I hate bananas.

It was all downhill after that. In addition to Weight Watchers and the Cabbage Soup diet, I’ve also tried Atkins, South Beach, Body for Life, the Mayo Clinic Diet, the G.I. Diet and Spark People to name, uh, a few.

In fact, I once calculated that I’ve probably spent in the neighbourhood of ten thousand dollars on trying to lose weight. That sounds crazy, I know. But when you consider that over the course of the past 30 years I’ve purchased books, magazines, videos, treadmills (yes, that’s supposed to be plural), free weights, gym memberships, personal training sessions and memberships to various weight loss groups…well, it adds up.

Have a look at your local bookstore shelves. There is a diet for everyone! They’re written by everyone from doctors to self proclaimed skinny bitches. They promise that if you follow their rules to the letter, and only if you follow the rules to the letter, you will lose weight and be happy. As if being fat and being happy were mutually exclusive. Even the fast food industry is hopping on the bandwagon. Ever heard of a little chain called Subway and their average Joe spokesperson named Jared? Every diet has a face. Jenny, Florine and Tony are everywhere. They develop diets and exercise equipment. They write autobiographies and cook books. They merchandise the hell out of themselves and put their names on everything from t-shirts to stuffed animals. Work out videos are developed for whatever the new exercise craze happens to be. I’ve seen salsa workouts, belly dancing workouts, step workouts, boxing workouts, 10 minute workouts, 30 day workouts, and now there’s Wii. Using your Nintendo console, you can play Wii Fit, My Fitness Coach, Wii Sports, Outdoor Challenge, and Cardio Challenge. I bought most of these, too.

I’d tried everything. And then, one day, I realized that none of it was working. I was still fat. So I decided to try the opposite approach. I stopped dieting. I was referred to an eating disorders clinic and started counselling with a dietitian and a social worker. They applauded me for my decision to eschew diets. I was free! I could eat whatever I wanted, when I wanted it! Well, provided it was healthy. And provided I monitored the portion sizes. And…wait, wouldn’t this be considered dieting? I was confused. I made it to half a dozen sessions, didn’t lose any weight, and never went back. I decided that I could do the ‘not dieting’ thing on my own. I promptly gained another 20 pounds.

The diet and fitness industries are billion dollar industries. And while I’m not enough of a conspiracy theorist to think that there are people in a back room at Jenny Craig working on ways to make us think that they want people to lose weight, when really they’re trying to keep them fat, I do think that these industries have a vested interest in people staying fat. If nobody was overweight, what would they do then? That’s not to say that I blame the diet and fitness industries for the obesity epidemic. I don’t. It’s not their fault and they can hardly be blamed for capitalizing on it. So whose fault is it? That question brings me right back to the diet books. For every diet book that’s out there, there’s a theory as to why obesity is so prevalent today. Some of the theories that I’ve seen include, we eat too much processed foods, we eat too much sugar, we’ve strayed too far from the diet of our ancestors, we don’t obtain all of our food within a hundred miles of our homes, we don’t eat the right combination of foods for our blood type, we don’t eat the right combination of foods period. There are a hundred more books on the shelves that each give their own reason why you’re fat. Who is right?

There’s a website out there that might shed some light on things. It’s called This is Why You’re Fat. Ironically, they’ve also turned that into a book. Although I doubt it’s one you’d find in the diet section of your local bookstore. It shows some of the creations that can be found in homes, and even in some restaurants, in North America. It features dishes called Year of the Triple Bypass, which is described as a “burger filled with Chinese BBQ pork between two pork buns” and the Fat Elvis, “a deep fried peanut butter, jelly, and banana sandwich sprinkled with powdered sugar”. Then there’s my personal favourite. A little something called the Fat Bitch. Does it even matter what’s in that one? Okay, so those dishes are extreme and they aren’t really the reason I’m fat. But obviously, my diet choices leave something to be desired.
As I get older, I’m getting closer and closer to the truth, I think. Or should I say, I’m less and less able to live in denial. The reality is this. In order to lose weight, people need to eat less and move more. Calories in needs to be less than calories out. That’s it folks, that’s the big secret. That is what every single one of those diets out there ultimately advocates. Whether you’re reducing calories by limiting carbohydrates or whether you’re reducing them by limiting fat is secondary. The point is, you’re reducing calories. The trick then, is not to pick the one diet that works, but to pick a diet you can stick to. Or take bits and pieces from each of them and develop your own plan. Be flexible! If you’re a pasta lover then perhaps a low carbohydrate diet is not for you. If you don’t like to keep track of the food you’re eating you might not want to join a weight loss program that tells you to keep a food diary. Also, remember that there’s no point in striving for the unattainable. People come in all shapes and size and there’s a good chance that you won’t ever be 5’ 10” and a size 2. Especially if your raw materials consist of a 5’ 4” frame and genes that tend toward the stocky side. Lastly, and maybe most importantly, is to realize that even the most committed dieter (and even the thinnest thin person!) will occasionally stray from the plan they’ve chosen. You can react to a detour by getting back on track or you can react by giving up and throwing in the towel. The choice is yours.

I’m no expert, unless years of research and personal experience count for something, but I think more focus needs to be placed on getting back to basics. Eat your vegetables. Have an apple a day. Drink your milk. Have your treats too, but make sure they’re just that, treats. Work hard. Play hard. These things will make you healthier and happier. This is what I’m going to try. And who knows, if it works, maybe I’ll write a book!

My Dad Died 2

2010-03-04T09:25:00.002-05:00

When my Dad was in the hospital, I wrote the following journal entry.

Jan 15, 2010

Dad was flown in to the city the day before yesterday. His heart is failing. His feet are swollen and are the size of footballs, his upper body is wasting away, he's got scabs on his arms and chest and an oozing wound on his leg.

He is stable, for now, in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU).

I come into the ICU and from across the nurses' station I can see into his room. He is asleep. I won't wake him. I pull a chair up to his bedside and take out this journal. It's not a new journal. In fact, the first entry was October 2006. Back then, it was mostly a weight loss journal. I guess it still is.

My father is dying. Maybe not today or this week, hopefully not even this year. But as surely as I know anything, I know this. My father is dying. He smoked and drank and ate like crap his whole life. And now, though he does none of these things, he's paying the price.

My mother is dying. Maybe not today or this week, hopefully not even this year. But as surely as I know anything, I know this. My mother is dying. She smokes and drinks and eats like crap. She has no intention of stopping even though she is being sent for heart surgery that she will likely not survive.

I don't drink and I don't smoke (anymore) but I do have a very serious weight problem. I've fought battle after battle in this war and I feel like I'm losing ground. It's serious enough that it will kill me. And I will leave my children, like my parents are leaving me. I can't even be angry with my parents, even though it's their own doing. After all, I know what it's like.

At this point, Dad woke up and I put the journal away.

Dad died three days later.

Death seems so far away, so abstract, until it touches it you. And when it does, the reality of it is crushing.

I have more to say, but I don't have the words right now.

My Dad Died

2010-02-10T11:07:00.003-05:00

I was a Daddy's girl when I was little. I remember visiting my grandmother one time and she noticed me looking at my dad. She said to him, "She smiles every time she looks at you!" And it was true. Dad was my hero. I thought he could do anything and I loved him so much. He was my safe place. Of course, as I grew into a teenager, my relationship with my dad changed. I suddenly thought I knew so much more than he did. I suddenly started resenting the choices he'd made, as if I had any right. I left home and, for reasons I will never understand, my relationship with him became hard. I became nervous when I thought about calling home. I still loved him but I was worried that phone calls would be weird. Maybe it was because we never really told each other that we loved each other and I was anticipating the awkward good-byes. But in time, as I matured, that strangeness went away.

That's all I've got for now....

A poem

2009-10-26T21:39:00.001-04:00

My Play
by Bonsie, age 5

Make a choice
for your voice.
Cuz you're going to be
in my story.
The frog that lives
in the log.
The bee that lives
in the tree.
The sky up high.

I'm not sure what it means. But I love it anyway :-)

I'm going back to school!

2009-10-21T15:56:00.004-04:00

I'm taking a correspondence course towards my BA in English. The plan was that I'd do the online learning thing and work part time for as long as it took to get my degree. I do have a college diploma...but I've always felt like something was missing and have wanted to go back to school for years! Anyway, this plan would work if I didn't mind it taking me 10 years to get my degree! I'm not a young woman, for cripes sakes. So, I talked it over with hubby and he agreed that if I can get the funding, I will enroll in the three year program at our local university. I'll still have to work three days a week but I'll be done school a lot sooner. I'm excited. And scared. As anyone who reads this blog can attest, I can barely form coherent sentences sometimes!

Yikes!

NaNoWriMo

2009-10-20T21:57:00.002-04:00

Ever heard of this? November is National Novel Writing Month and the idea is everybody who signs up writes a novel of at least 50,000 words in November! It's crazy! Could be fun...

Let's talk about something else for awhile.

2009-09-15T08:57:00.002-04:00

Next year, Bones and Berio will both be in school full time. I work part time and that part time work includes evenings and weekends. So, there may be entire weeks that go by where I will be alone in the house for the whole day. I know I'm not supposed to wish time away, but can I just say, I'm reeeeeally looking forward to that? I have visions of me dropping the girls off at school and taking a morning walk or bike ride. Coming home, having a shower without someone knocking on the door because they have to pee (even though we do have another bathroom...), cleaning and organizing my house, working on my correspondence courses, and maybe developing one of the many hobbies I have.

Maybe I'm imagining it will be better than it actually will. Probably, I am. But this little dream keeps me going on the days where it feels like everybody wants a piece of me.

A vent. Don't even read it.

2009-08-29T18:20:00.002-04:00

Deleted.

Still here...kind of.

2009-07-26T03:14:00.003-04:00

My husband was out of town for a month. My daughters are acting like rowdy little boys lately. I've been working. I'm taking a correspondence course towards my degree. I'm busy. I'm tired.

I'll be back.

Nothing to see here...

2009-06-29T08:20:00.003-04:00

Shy Girl commented yesterday "the day doesn't end at lunch." Let me tell you, it would have better if if it had!

Plumbing and Pizza Pops

2009-06-28T12:38:00.002-04:00

So...we had a flood in the basement this morning. The hot water tank started leaking. Badly. And I spent a good part of the morning cleaning it up. And now we're without hot water until tomorrow evening (at the earliest...).

And in the midst of all the commotion I forgot I was supposed to be eating better today. And I had Pizza Pops for lunch. And I feel like a jerk for not even making it half a day.

One day

2009-06-28T08:01:00.002-04:00

I need one day to get me back on track. Just one day where I don't mindlessly eat chocolate or chips or frozen pizza or ice cream.

I woke up with a headache today. I'm sure poor eating and even poorer hydration are the culprit.

I need to get out and do something. Maybe I'll go and take some pictures today. Bones and Berio will enjoy an outing, I think. Busy is good.

An old friend contacted me on Facebook. Once again, I'm too busy being worried about what she'll think of how fat I am to really enjoy being in touch with an old friend. Sad.

Anyway. One day.

Random

2009-06-26T18:59:00.003-04:00

My older sister, who I haven't seen in about 7 years, is in town. On the way over to see her all I could think about is that she's going to see how fat I've gotten. I have some issues :P

Bones finished her first ever year of school yesterday! I'm so proud. I can't believe how quickly this year went. Next year will do the same and before I know it, both of the girls will be in school. I'm looking forward to that and dreading it at the same time. When did I get so old!?

I'm off work for a week. Woo hoo! Then I go back for a few days and I'm off for another ten days :-)

The girls are in the tub right now. I'm sitting on the bathroom counter on my laptop. I love my laptop.

I guess it's time to wash their hair...

Oh...

2009-06-23T13:21:00.000-04:00

And it's even worse than I thought.

10/90

I'm cleaning house!

2009-06-23T13:15:00.002-04:00

Literally. My house is a bit of a mess. And all of those things I've been avoiding? Well, they are even harder to get started on when the house is messy. My desk is probably the worst of it and it's my desk that I really need right now! I mentioned a correspondence course in my last post...well, I have GOT to get going on that. It's not a hard course. It's a university level introductory English course. It's actually something that I enjoy! But for some reason, I put it off and put it off and while I'm not actually behind yet, I'm heading that way fast!

Anyway, this was just a short break. I'm more than halfway through today's 'to do' list and I want to get back at it before I lose all the momentum I have going here.

Later!

What the therapist said...

2009-06-22T09:05:00.003-04:00

Way before I ever started this blog, I saw a therapist for awhile. I wanted to talk about my childhood and my depression and "deal with" everything that happened when I was a kid. But we always ended up talking about my weight. I didn't like that. Buuuuut...I'm pretty sure I know why I didn't like it. It's because everything she wanted me to do was so hard! She wanted me to exercise, for crying out loud!! She wanted me to not make excuses!! She wanted me to take responsibility for my weight and didn't hand me some grand diagnosis that I could hide behind for the rest of my life.

We talked about how I have avoidance issues. I don't try new things because I don't want to fail. And if I do try something new and it's too hard, I just stick my head in the sand and avoid it. I pretend it's not there. And it doesn't even have to be something really hard...just something that I can't immediately do. Even if I know that it's something I really do have to do (a work project or homework for this correspondence course I'm taking, for instance) I'll pretend it doesn't exist if I encounter even the slightest bit of resistance. As long as I'm skating along, not having to put any effort in, I'm good. As soon as I hit a snag, though, I'm out.

I think it's fairly obvious why I haven't been here for so long. I'd love to say that I've been doing great and that I'm down another 10 pounds since the last time I posted. But I haven't been doing great. And I'm not down another 10 pounds. I'm up a bunch. I think my total loss is now at 13 pounds or so. And when I pick up the proverbial 10 lb bag of potatoes I do realize that it's still significant. And the fact that I haven't had to go back to an XL belt at work is significant. But I'm still disappointed in myself.

But I'm not a quitter. I'm an avoider ;-) And in the end, even if I go in kicking and screaming, I always do what needs to be done. That's where I am right now.

I love...

2009-05-06T12:54:00.002-04:00

When Beario says, "You know, Mommy...I love you!"
Knowing that my girls feel safe and loved.
My husband. And feeling the lines of communication crackling to life.
Feeling like I'm slowly, but surely, waking up.
Taking the girls for walks.
A tidy house.
Homemade soup.

A break from the usual - photo post

2009-04-29T12:23:00.002-04:00

This is Peggy's Cove in Nova Scotia. Some co-trainees and I went there on my recent trip to Halifax. I don't have much to say right now, so I thought I'd at least post a picture to look at. It was not exactly the height of tourist season while we were there so it seemed very deserted. And it was really windy and COLD! Just looking at this picture makes me shiver! It was a little sad, actually. Peggy's Cove is the site of the Swissair Flight 111 crash in which 229 people died. Even though it happened more than 10 years ago you can't help but quietly reflect on all of those people when you're there. There is also a monument not far from the site of this picture.

Weigh in

2009-04-28T10:21:00.000-04:00

Down .2

18/82

Sometimes

2009-04-28T01:46:00.001-04:00

I feel like I'm invisible.

Update

2009-04-22T11:17:00.002-04:00

Several posts ago, I mentioned that I wasn't updating my progress because I was in denial. Well, I can't stay in the land of denial forever! I weighed in yesterday and I'm up 4 lbs. I've been doing alright for the past week or so but before that it wasn't pretty! So...here it is.

17/83

I'll be back at 21/79 before you know it!

Aside from the 4:00 am ice cream...

2009-04-19T13:08:00.002-04:00

I've been doing well. I think that having the advantages of losing weight always in the back of my mind is helping. I am afraid, though, that I will always feel like I'm struggling. I tell myself it's like when I quit smoking. At first, I thought about/craved/NEEDED a cigarette all the time. All. The. Time. But day by day, it got easier. The times during the day when I really struggled started to decrease. And soon, I hardly ever thought about smoking. I've been smoke free for going on 4 years now. And I think about enjoying a cigarette, maybe, once every six months or so. I hope that if I can just be strong, the battle against junk food will be the same.

Of course, when I quit smoking the Mister also quit. He's not really on board with the whole eating right thing. He's overweight too. Not 100 lbs overweight...but his weight is affecting his health more than my weight affects mine. He has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, bad knees, depression, trouble sleeping...etc. And last night he felt like having ice cream and chips. So he asked me if I would go to the store for him. I said no - I've told him before that I can't do it...it's too hard. He decided to go himself. He asked me if I wanted anything. I said no. And I felt the stirrings of anger and resentment. On his way out he asked again if I wanted anything. I said no...again. He said, "Just one small bag?" I said NO.

The entire time I was saying no it was a struggle. I wanted to say yes! It's not like I just decided I wasn't going to eat crap and POOF! suddenly I didn't want crap! I WANTED chips and chocolate and ice cream! When I had to say no I felt angry...completely pissed that I couldn't eat what I want. Completely pissed that he was going to get to each junk while I "suffered".

Later, while we watched t.v., he mentioned that there were some chips left if I wanted them. I'd had enough. I turned to him and told him, "Look...I said no! This is REALLY hard for me. I'm trying REALLY hard to do this right..." I was on the verge of crying and not being able to say anything at all. He said he was sorry and that he'd stop. And he did.

I did end up standing at the kitchen sink at 4:00 a.m. eating ice cream straight out of the container. A bad habit to be sure but I counted the points and since I slept in today and wasn't hungry until going on lunch time, I'm calling it breakfast. I made sure to have a low point but filling lunch and I'm back on track for the day.

All for the reasons listed previously. :-)

Friends

2009-04-18T12:22:00.002-04:00

I don't have any friends. Mostly it's not a problem but lately I've been thinking about how this affects my daughters. I want them to have large support systems that include both family and friends. So...I'm making an effort to have some friends. Children learn from our example, right? So, I went for coffee the other night with an old school friend. We had a nice time although I was conscious the ENTIRE time about the fact that I'm much heavier now than I was in high school. I can't wait until that doesn't happen anymore.

Day one

2009-04-18T12:09:00.002-04:00

The Beck Diet Solution is a six week plan of action. You start off on day 1 by thinking about and writing out the advantages, as you see them, of losing weight. Then, you commit to reading them every day, twice a day (and more often if needed). This is supposed to help you to have answers ready when that little (HUGE) voice in your head tells you that you can't do it, or you deserve to splurge, or you NEED to have that cake, or whatever. It's CBT.

I've done this before and if you've been reading along for awhile you've already seen something like this on my blog. But I came up with a whole new list and here it is (reasons are in no particular order)...

- I will be more comfortable in my uniform.
- I will have more energy.
- Increased energy will help me stick with a strength training program - I will be able to do a chin up!
- I will have more self-esteem.
- Clothes will look good on me.
- I will get that new leather jacket!
- I will feel confident at my high school reunion (in four months!)
- My knees will be strong and will support me as I work towards my goal of running 5K.
- I will feel sexy in front of my husband.
- My daughters will love having an active and energetic mom.
- People will take me seriously at work.
- My outside will match my inside.
- I will be a Weight Watchers success story.

So there you have it.

Well...I did it again!

2009-04-12T23:57:00.002-04:00

I bought another "diet" book. I think I'm mentally ill. For real. Why do I think that a new book (or magazine or workout dvd or piece of fitness equipment etc. etc. etc.) will suddenly provide me with magic fat burning powers? After all I've learned, why do I still look for that magic pill to take it all away?

Anyhow...it's a book about cognitive behavior therapy. It's called The Beck Diet. It's not a diet at all though. It's more of a book about how to stay on a diet. And it's got some good points. But it's also requiring me to put in effort. And I'm kind of avoiding that right now.

Thanks to my blog buddies for checking up on me. I'm still here. Still struggling but hoping to surface soon!

So far today...

2009-03-21T17:19:00.002-04:00

Not too bad. Not perfect. Not great. But not horrible. :-)

I have a nice pot of chili on the stove. I made lots so I'll be freezing some. I'm drinking water right this minute. It's my first glass of the day...but I'm drinking it! It's finally starting to look like spring out there, so I may take the girls for a walk after dinner.

Things are looking up.

Okay then...

2009-03-21T08:35:00.000-04:00

Let's try this again.

In a rut...

2009-03-20T12:58:00.002-04:00

I just can't seem to get my head back in this game!

The decisions that I make now will determine whether I will succeed or fail at this. If I decide to stay on this course of eating poorly and not exercising, I will stay fat. I will get fatter. I will continue to have low energy levels. I will continue to be self-conscious in public. My knees will get sore again and I'll likely end up like my father, requiring knee surgery just to be able to walk. Depression will take over and I'll end up mostly bed-ridden, like my mother. My body will rebel, and rightly so, if I don't keep this commitment I've made to lose weight and be healthier. My body will rebel.

I decided awhile back that my motto here was going to be "Never. Give. Up." because I know full well that if I give up, I will fail. That's all there is to it. So my only chance at success is to never give up. There is no other option.

Now...let's see if that helps.

EEEK!

2009-03-13T07:05:00.001-04:00

My comment from OSB...

Not good! I was away from home for three weeks (I only WISH it was a cruise!) and I had a gain of 3.2. So, a pound a week. I'm not happy, but I also don't believe it's a real gain...salty food the day before weigh in, PMS, etc. Still, I'm going to try to be extra conscientious this week!

Too lazy (and too in denial??) to update my progress. :P

18/82

Lisa, it's your birthday! Happy Birthday, Lisa!

2009-03-09T15:27:00.003-04:00

I survived. I think we all knew I would. Anyway, it's good to be home. I'll be going to my first WW meeting in a month this Wednesday. Yeah, I could have gone in Halifax...but I didn't. So, we'll see.

And yes, it actually is my birthday today. I've been telling everyone that I'm turning 39 when, as my husband pointed out yesterday, I'm actually turning 38! Score! And I've got the Happy Birthday, Lisa song from the Simpson's stuck in my head. It happens every year. Ever since I saw the episode of the Simpson's where Bart collaborates with "Michael Jackson" (actually it was some guy that either thought he was the real MJ or he just happened to have MJ's name...) I've heard that song in my head on my birthday all. day. long.

I wonder if this happens to all Lisas?

Tomorrow is the day!

2009-03-05T22:50:00.002-05:00

I'm heading home. This has been a LOOOOONG three weeks. I'm not looking forward to Wednesday's weigh in, but maybe it won't be so bad.

I'm going to sleep now.

I hate being crazy

2009-03-02T14:08:00.001-05:00

There's really not much more I can say about that right now.

:-(

Six more sleeps

2009-02-28T17:49:00.002-05:00

Last week went by very quickly. If this coming week goes by as fast, I'll be home before I know it. I cannot wait until Friday. I REALLY can't wait until Saturday! I already told my husband that he could sleep in on Saturday because I'm going to want to get up with the girls.

I'm quite interested to see if I've lost any weight. I feel like I have. But who knows. We'll see next Wednesday, I guess.

Six more sleeps.

Comfort food

2009-02-25T15:06:00.002-05:00

Whenever I'm sick, all I want to eat are Mr. Noodles ramen noodles. I don't know if it's because it's easy or what but anyway...that's what I've been eating for the past couple of days. I know they are points killers. But I'm sick and I'm away from home and there's nobody here to baby me...so I'm eating noodles.

The upside (?? I guess ??) is that I was on my feel all day today going from one end of a ship to the other. And I'll be doing the same tomorrow. And the next day. And actually, for all of next week. So when I say my exercise level has increased I'm not kidding around! Will it be enough? Quite frankly, for the next 10 days I don't care. That doesn't mean I'll be hanging out in my room eating chocolate bars and french fries...but I'm not counting points. I'm willing to take any negative consequences that arise from this decision.

Today was not fun. My chest hurts a lot and the cold air made it feel like someone was stabbing me in the throat with every breath. I was gasping for air and people kept asking me if I was alright. I'm not. But there's really no point in getting into it every 15 minutes. Especially since I have to be here and there's nothing anyone can do about my health...I just have to suck it up.

This post is making me sound quite miserable when actually, I feel better than I have since I got here. Emotionally speaking, that is. And so, even though I'm sick, I'm okay. For now.

;-)

Oh, for Pete's sake!

2009-02-23T16:56:00.002-05:00

Now I'm sick. Chest congestion, upset and sore stomach, body aches and I must admit...crankiness. Directed in particular to the young ladies in class who are so very proud of the fact that they aren't sick because they're from here and are used to the weather.

Because we all know that wind and rain are what really cause colds and flu.

Halifax, NS

2009-02-22T21:42:00.003-05:00

I've been away from home for a week now. Only two weeks to go. I really thought I'd be updating more but even when we're not actually in training we're keeping fairly busy. Not only that, I don't want three weeks worth of posts talking about how I'm not making the best food choices but I'm getting more exercise. And how much I miss my family. My girls, mostly. I mean, I miss my husband too...but he and I have had periods of separation as long and longer than this one pretty much since we started dating 13 years ago. We're used to it. But the girls..my gosh...I never knew I could miss someone this much.

There's a storm coming, here in Halifax. I'm sort of looking forward to it. Is that weird? I mean, I don't want to see hurricane winds or anything! But I do love a storm! Maybe.

It does affect the training I'm on, though. And if I have to be here, I'd prefer to just get it done and not miss anything because of the weather. We've already missed half a day because of weather. Oh well. It's not like there's anything that I can do about it.

Insomnia

2009-02-19T23:10:00.003-05:00

I'm tired. It's after midnight and I can't sleep. I'm exhausted. But when I shut everything down and get into bed sleep seems so far away. Sigh.

I'm eating more junk than I'd like. Snacking. It's because I'm bored. Bored and sad. I want to go home.

I'm so tired.

Freaking out just a little

2009-02-15T09:56:00.001-05:00

I'm going away for three weeks. I'm going to to be almost 3,000 km from home. From my family. I wouldn't go if I didn't have to...but I have to. I've never left the girls for this long and though I know they'll be well cared for, I'm going to miss them so stinking much.

Being away from home is either going to be really good for the weight loss effort or it's going to be really bad! I'll have some challenges because I'll be eating out a lot for the next three weeks...but on the other hand I'll have plenty of time to plan my meals and exercise since I'll be all alone. And I'm staying in a room with a fridge, stove and microwave.

Ah well...we'll see. I'm not going to stress about it tooooooo much. But it would be nice to come back and find that I'd lost another pound or two.

I'll keep you posted.

I messed up

2009-02-12T01:23:00.004-05:00

Down 1 today. And I (FINALLY!!) got my 15 lb star at WW. With the 6 I lost before, that puts me at -21. Which is what I said I was last week. But I remembered tonight that I don't round up or down. I just go with the whole number. So last week I was still down 20. This week....

21 lost/79 to go

Wednesday weigh in

2009-02-06T10:10:00.001-05:00

Down .8 (Again!!!! Am I really going to lose this weight .8 pounds at a time!?)

So, due to rounding...

21 lost/79 to go

Untitled

2009-02-03T11:02:00.003-05:00

Yesterday went well and today is off to a great start! I kept my points at 21 yesterday. That's considerably lower than my target. Today I'm going to try and do the same. I'm also going to get some exercise. I am SERIOUSLY lacking in that department. I just don't feel like doing it. And I know that it's good for me and it'll help me lose weight faster but the get up and go is just not there...

I made some yummy cabbage and sausage this morning and will be having that for lunch. It was easy. I had about a half of a LARGE bag of coleslaw mix in the fridge that had been there for awhile and I didn't want it to go bad so I chopped an onion and cooked it in 3 teaspoons of olive oil. I added a chopped lean sausage (3 points per) and then threw in the rest of the coleslaw mix. Cooked it until it was all soft then put a bit of salt and a lot of pepper on it and presto! Lunch (times 4, actually...there was a lot of cabbage!) at 2 points per serving! I'll have that with a glass of milk and a Kashi granola bar for "dessert".

I also tried to make the oatmeal "cookies" that were in one of my WW books. The idea is you take one packet of instant oatmeal, add some water, let it stand until thickened and then bake it into 4 cookies. Sounded good. Sounded easy. Actually, it sounded too good to be true...and you know what they say about things that sound too good to be true!! Well, this is NOT the exception to the rule, let me tell you! You know that fake, rubber food that dietitians use to show portion sizes? Yeah...that's what these "cookies" were like. Not impressed. Perhaps the fault lies with me. I may have done something wrong. The instructions were pretty simple though...not sure how I could have messed that up! Oh well. I guess I'll just bake. I've been wanting to make some kind of breakfast cookie anyway. I never have time for breakfast so a cookie, full of yummy, healthy goodness to have with my morning Tim Horton's coffee will be just the ticket!

Super Bowl XLIII

2009-02-02T11:37:00.002-05:00

What a blow out! And I'm not talking about the game, ladies and gents!

We had a little party at our place yesterday. Just the four of us...it was fun! My husband made some delicious ribs and (deep fried) chicken wings. And Bones decided we needed a cake so I got one of those. And we couldn't have a party without beer and snacks! No, siree! I made a small effort and cut up some veggies and put them out with some light dip...for the girls. *blush* I didn't have any of the veggies (unless you count the fries...yeah, we made fries too!). I ate WAY too much. I was feeling sick by the time I went to bed and acid reflux was kicking in. YUCK!

The day before wasn't much better, either. My husband took me on a date! We went OUT to a movie...that's a pretty big deal around here. We don't get out a lot! So of course, because I'm an all or nothing kind of gal, knowing that it was a "special" day put me in a celebratory mindset and I ended up eating crap for a good part of the day. Yay.

The good news is...it was two days, not two weeks. I started out today with some fruit. Then for a snack I had some of those cut veggies with that light dip. It's almost lunch time and I think I may make an egg-white omelet or have some tuna or something. I plan on eating super healthy and maybe just a bit below my normal points range to compensate for the weekend.

Chili is on the menu for dinner tonight.

I'm working evenings so that will be an added challenge...but I'm going to walk the stairs for a bit and get some APs in there tonight and tomorrow too.

I feel good. I feel in control.

About yesterday

2009-01-29T13:19:00.002-05:00

So, I was down .8 yesterday. And I shouldn't complain about that...if I'm being honest I really didn't follow the plan. But I have to admit, when Janet said "Good, you're down .8." I almost collapsed into a puddle of tears. I was feeling pretty defeated yesterday, truth be known. I didn't participate during the meeting. I just sulked. And every once in awhile the reasonable person that lives inside of me would pipe up and say something meant to be comforting and uplifting and I'd shoot her down. Miserable.

But that's not really going to get me anywhere, is it?

Yeah, I'd be doing better if I was following all the rules all the time. But I'd be doing worse if I wasn't following any rules at all. Yeah, I'd love for this weight to be coming off faster but the fact is, if I continue to lose weight at the pace I am (if I'm lucky...a pound a week) I'll be down another 52 pounds by this time next year. 52 pounds!! Add that to what I've already lost and we're talking about more than 70 pounds!!

Compare that to what I'll weigh in a year if I do nothing...

That .8 loss put me at 14 pounds lost at WW. For a grand total of 20 pounds. I'm finding it really hard to get excited about this even though I KNOW what 20 pounds feels like (I picked up four 5-pound bags of carrots at the grocery store...it's a lot!) and I KNOW my clothes feel better and I have more energy and I KNOW I'm moving in the right direction! In fact, as of yesterday's weigh in...

I'm two tenths of the way to my BIG goal! That's great, right?! I'm officially working on a new set of pounds... ;-)

I'm trying to convince myself. I really am.

Down .8

2009-01-28T20:18:00.000-05:00

20/80

I want some ice cream

2009-01-27T23:52:00.002-05:00

And if we had some here or if it wasn't midnight and too late to go out and get some, I'd be eating a big bowl right now. I suppose I should consider myself lucky!

Tomorrow is weigh in and I haven't worked out at all. And I'm over my points a bit. But not really by a lot, in the grand scheme of things. I have to focus on the fact that even if I ate more than I was supposed to, I still ate WAY, WAY, WAY, WAY less than I used to. So...I may not go down as much as I'd like to, but I shouldn't go up as much as I fear. ;-)

I need a better plan (a vent)

2009-01-25T12:21:00.003-05:00

I haven't exercised consistently in two weeks. The day just gets away from me. I know that I should take time for myself...make time for myself. But when?

I don't know how some women do it and when I try to wrap my head around it I just feel so stinking inadequate! I have a never ending mountain of laundry. There are toys everywhere. Menu planning, grocery shopping and cooking take up so much time and for what? Meals that rarely get eaten as a family...that the girls won't eat anyway, for the most part. And by the time things get cleaned up after dinner I have only a small window before it's time to put Berio to bed. Once she's in bed there's another small window before Bones goes to bed. Sometimes I have nothing to do during those times but usually I'm cleaning the kitchen or making school snacks and lunches or picking up toys. By the time they're both in bed and settled it's 9 p.m. (or later sometimes!). And by then I'm just too tired. Budgeting and paying bills take up my time too. And I do everything online...heaven help me if I ever had to pay bills the "old fashioned" way! And even with all the planning that I do, I feel like my finances are out of my control. There's a bleed somewhere and I can't find it! We're not struggling financially. We're very lucky. We have enough. More than enough, really. We just can't seem to get ahead. And every year we get closer to the day when we retire and closer to the day when our girls are going to leave for University. Something I've always wanted to be able to pay for.

I feel like I don't have the time to spend on things I enjoy (and would like to get better at!) like photography and maybe even knitting never mind something that I don't really love! I admit it...I don't LOVE to exercise. I am beginning to realize, though, that not everyone does. It's great if you can find something that you enjoy but even if you don't, exercise is like medicine...you just have to do it if you want to be healthy.

Meh...I'm done with this post.

Are YOU going to do it?

2009-01-24T08:52:00.003-05:00

I was reading some other weight loss blogs last night. There are a lot of them! Some people are just starting out, some have already met their goals. Some only journal their food, some their exercise and some write about their day to day life - that just happens to include a weight loss component. Some started for accountability, some started simply to record and some started in the hopes of helping others. There are a lot of them.

I wish that the writer of every blog I've ever read was guaranteed to meet and maintain their weight loss goals. That would be awesome! But the reality is, most of them won't. That may include me. I might be one of the people who, despite my best efforts, will not succeed in losing weight and keeping it off. I mean, the statistics say that 95% percent of people who lose weight will NOT keep it off. Yikes! It's almost like winning the lottery (okay...a small one!), isn't it? And I've never been very lucky.

So how does one keep plugging away in the face of almost certain failure? If I really believe that only 5% of us will achieve and maintain our goals...well...why do I think that will include me? Should I just give up? Focus on accepting myself the way I am? Save myself a few dollars by not continuing my WW membership? Obviously, the answer to those questions is no.

The thing is, I have to believe that I'm ultimately going to succeed. I have to believe that while I may have set backs, I will succeed because I'm changing my whole life. I'm changing the way I look at food and I'm changing the way I look at exercise. I realize now that this is not an all-or-nothing venture that's not worth doing unless I can do it perfectly. I believe that with time and patience and hard work I will be one hundred pounds lighter than I was when I started. I really believe it. I know that all the "research" I've done on how to lose weight (I have read every book, you know!) and all the work I'm doing now to overcome this perfectionist attitude to weight loss along with a little dose of tough love are going to pay off.

So, I am going to be in that 5%. Will I see you at the finish line?

Confession time

2009-01-23T10:01:00.003-05:00

I made it until 11:00 p.m. last night before I went to the fridge and had leftover pizza. So I did go over. It's not a big deal. I counted my points and everything which for me is the real battle...counting no matter what!

I just don't love starting the week like that. The WW week, that is!

Anyhow, that's not the confession I'm referring to in the title of this post! Here goes. I've been really good about going to my meetings. I've only missed one since October and that was at Christmas time. I've been getting the new materials along with everyone else, a new book every week. Wednesday evening, the leader was talking about something from book three and I had no clue what she was talking about. Because....well....I haven't been reading the books!!!! They give them to me and I put them in my bag and never look at them again! Not the most effective way to "work the program", wouldn't you say?

So, that's my goal for this week. I want to read the books. Get in the game. See what can happen when I put some effort into this little adventure! :-)

Well this should be interesting...

2009-01-22T13:06:00.002-05:00

I had a cinnamon raisin bagel with butter for breakfast, a coffee with cream and two chocolate covered marshmallow things this morning. So far, I calculate 14 points...and I haven't eaten lunch or planned dinner.

What the heck...the great thing about still being fat is that I get more points than my skinnier counterparts! So, if I add in some exercise I should easily get through this day without having to dip into the Flex Points!

I'm up for the challenge!

I'll be back tomorrow with the update!

Weekly OSB Update

2009-01-21T20:49:00.001-05:00

Down 1.8 for a WW total of 13.2 and overall total of 19.2. On the move again!!

I need to get my butt in gear

2009-01-19T13:24:00.002-05:00

But I'm so very lazy today!!

I'm making White Bean and Spinach Ravioli for dinner - from Clean Eating Magazine (which I LOVE) and I need to vacuum. And I should exercise.

But I want to go to bed. Seems like that's all I want to do this week! Maybe I'm coming down with something.

YAWN!!!!!!

What have you learned?

2009-01-17T17:36:00.003-05:00

Whenever my WW leader gives out a five pound star, she asks us to share something that we learned with the other WW members. Something that just might help the new people coming in or provide inspiration for the regulars. Well, in anticipation of the day I get my 15 lb star (if not this week, surely next!!) I've been thinking about it. What have I learned? What's keeping me in line this time around?

I've finally figured out that the cold, hard truth is that if I want to lose weight I need to eat less and move more. I mean, we all know this...but we don't really know, if you know what I mean. I realize now that watching my portion sizes and choosing healthy foods is NOT THE SAME as being on a diet. It's just what healthy people do. I've made a conscious decision to never give up. Never. Give. Up.

Today sucks

2009-01-16T11:39:00.002-05:00

No reason, really. I'm just tired. I worked until midnight, came home watched Grey's and went to bed going on 2 a.m. I suppose I could have gone to bed a little earlier, but the fact is, I'm just not sleepy when I come home from work! As it was, I was in bed for awhile before I was able to fall asleep. And then Bones had school today, so I was up at 7:30. Sigh...

Lack of sleep messes with everything. I walked up the stairs this morning and I felt like I'd just run a marathon! Everything takes so. much. effort. I want to work out but I can barely summon the energy to wash my dishes and make Berio's lunch!

My food choices are typically pretty bad when I'm tired. So far, so good today. I made sure to have a hearty breakfast and I think that's helping. But the day is young.

And I get to do it all again tonight. Yay.

It's a long one!

2009-01-15T01:06:00.001-05:00

Now then, first things first. I didn’t post my gain last week. It was just so bad that I didn’t dare admit to it. Now, I’m coming clean. I was up 4.8 lbs!! There were some factors that made it partially an artificial gain. But it wasn’t completely due to the fact that I wasn’t wearing my proper weigh in clothes, let me tell you! Anyhow…I didn’t freak out. I recommitted myself and I had a PERFECT week. That’s right! I did it!! In fact, as of right now (and there are still a few hours in the day) I still have 18 flex points left! AND I even used some for some chocolate! I got the good stuff too; a Lindt 70% Cacao with Caramel. Oh yes, gone are the days of wasting precious flex points on anything less than excellence!

And now for the question of the day. Did it pay off? Well, I was down 4.4 this week and am almost back to pre-holiday weight…so I’m going to say YES! And in keeping with my plan to focus only on small, small goals, I need to lose 3.6 lbs to (finally!) get that 15 lb star at WW. Now…I know that 3.6 lbs is more than the recommended loss for one week…but, I need to lose almost (oh yeah! ALMOST!!) 100 lbs and I’m pretty sure that us bigger folk can lose a little more than the recommended amount and not be in danger of starving…so I’m shooting for 3.6 this week!

I think I can do it. If I have another perfect week (pretty easy if I plan ahead) and I step up the exercise just a notch, I’ll bet I can.

And finally, I’d like to share a couple of tidbits from tonight’s meeting. My leader, let’s call her Janet (because that’s her name….hardy har har), is fantastic! She’s quite inspirational and has no problem telling it like it is. She likes to “rattle our cages” every now and again and she really challenges me to think differently.

Tonight she was talking about “Flexible Restraint”, which sounds like an oxymoron, but really isn’t. WW offers you the flexibility to make decisions about what you eat, where you eat, when you eat and, to an extent, how much you eat BUT also teaches restraint. And let’s face it, as much as we would all love to truly eat whatever we want, some restraint is required if it turns out that pizza, ice cream and chips is all you want. We talked about how food most definitely can be considered a “treat” but how it should never be considered a “reward”. A treat is something you indulge in once in awhile because…well, because it’s fun! Because it tastes good! Because you can! A reward…well, that’s completely different, isn’t it? A reward is something you get when you’ve been “good” and something you lose for being “bad”. Eating is not about being good or bad. Eating is about sustaining life.

She also said, now get ready for this, the food will still be there the next time we’re hungry!!! I know this seems really basic but it’s something that struck a chord with me. I sometimes eat to the point of discomfort, to put it mildly, and I’m not really sure why. But the fact is, if I stopped before that point I could always have more to eat later. I don’t have to eat like it’s the last meal I’m going to have for a month! Crazy, I tell you.

Crazy.

Plugging away...

2009-01-13T22:36:00.001-05:00

One more day and it will have been a perfect week. Except I didn't work out today. But I will tomorrow. And that will make it 4 days out of 7 with APs. Not bad...not bad at all.

:-)

I don't want to jinx anything but...

2009-01-12T19:58:00.002-05:00

Five good days down, two to go! And I've already earned APs on three of those days. Not only that, but I already have a plan for tomorrow's APs!

I'm feeling pretty good!

Yesterday...

2009-01-10T07:12:00.002-05:00

was a good day too. I'm going to shoot for one perfect week. So that's two down, five to go!

And I think I figured out what my problem was for the past couple of weeks. I mean, aside from the fact that it was the holidays! I started looking at "THE BIG PICTURE" instead of focusing on my small 2 - 5 pound goals. So, I'm back to that. First goal is to get my 15 lb star at WW (for a total of 21 lbs lost). That should only be a couple of pounds away. Easy peasy.

If I go to bed right now...

2009-01-08T23:14:00.002-05:00

I will have had a pretty good day. I stayed within points, wrote every bite and even forced myself to get on the treadmill while Grey's Anatomy was on.

Aside - Izzie better be certifiably insane and on the road to a serious mental breakdown. Her entire story line is ridiculous otherwise.

Um...where was I? Oh, right the treadmill. I stayed on it for 20 minutes. I only got about four hours sleep last night, so today was not exactly a high energy day for me.

But I'm good with it. And now I'm going to bed. And I'm hoping the nightmares (not mine) stay away tonight!

Time for some tough love

2009-01-07T21:10:00.002-05:00

I weighed in. I'm up. I just can't bring myself to post how much right now. Next week, when I'm back to normal, I'll post it. But not now.

I will say this, though. Now is not the time to get sad and depressed and all "poor me, poor fat me, I'll never lose this weight, blah, blah, blah." Now is the time to kick things up. Now is the time to prove that I don't stop at 18 or 20 lbs. No, no, no, no, no...I keep going. I'm like the freakin' energizer bunny. You come back in a week or two weeks or two months and I'll still be here. AND I'll still be losing. Losing like a freak!

I had a good day today. The first good one in awhile. And all it takes is one good day and a plan for the days to follow (which I have thanks to some menu/grocery shopping planning today!) to get me back on track. And I'm back.

Let's get this show on the road, kids!

What's going on?

2009-01-07T14:40:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure why, but I've been having the hardest time getting back on track. I start each day with good intentions but by late afternoon, I'm eating crap and blowing it for another day. I feel like the effort I have to put into losing weight is just too much, but the funny thing is, I haven't been working all that hard. Since I've joined WW, I don't think I've had one "perfect" week. And I don't mean perfect in the sense that I've eaten nothing but fruits and veggies and lean protien and whole grains and exercised every single day. By perfect, I mean within points, using flex points when I want to indulge and exercising three or four days out of the week.

But that's not what I'm doing. Not even close. The other night I decided to indulge in chips and dip because I'd been craving them for a few days. So I got myself some Ruffles and some onion dip and that evening after the girls were in bed, I read my book and ate...the entire bag!

I've been doing pretty well, only having small gains each week, considering the way I've been eating and NOT exercising. I fear that tonight is the night it all catches up to me. Particularly since I'm going out for dinner at my sister in law's house before my meeting. I usually don't even eat dinner until after my meeting!

I'll be going to my meeting. But I'm not certain I'll be weighing in. And I'm not certain that's the best course of action.

I stand corrected

2009-01-04T22:08:00.002-05:00

Mama H and Coco said tomorrow was actually the New January 1. Evidently, they're right.

Did you know...

2009-01-01T23:05:00.001-05:00

January 2nd is the NEW January 1st? Mmm hmm. It is. The new year starts tomorrow. Really.

Tee hee!

2009-01-01T16:04:00.004-05:00

I just ate a NINE point piece of cheesecake!! It would have been 10, but Bonsie scammed a couple of bites.

Luckily, I earned 4 APs this morning doing one of my workout DVDs and then earned another 4 (at least!) trudging up and down a hill with the girls for an hour and a half this afternoon. We went sliding...well, they went sliding. I went up and down a hill a bunch of times to fetch the sled and then carried one of them around like a sack of potatoes when she refused to walk any further.

I EARNED that cheesecake! And no...I won't be doing that anymore. Well, not today anyway! ;-)

I am chilled to the bone! I need something warm and low in points for dinner...
BRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Motivation station (and HAPPY NEW YEAR!)

2009-01-01T10:43:00.003-05:00

First, Happy New Year! I've got a feeling this is going to be a good year :-)

There's a very good chance that I'm going on a three week training course in mid-Feb. It's pretty physically demanding training at times and I'll be with a bunch of people I've never met. People who are probably in pretty good shape.

You know how when you have body issues you always think that everyone else is smaller than you and healthier than you? And usually it's all in your head? The reality is that you're not the fattest and most out of shape person there? Well, this is nothing like that. My job is the kind of job you usually see fairly fit and healthy people working at. There are no fitness requirements (like you'd have if you were a police officer or pro-athlete, for instance!) but they're probably coming soon.

So, this upcoming training is something that I'm going to be stressing about for the next six weeks (if my boss confirms that I'm going, that is). I believe that if I buckle down I can lose a bit more weight and also up my fitness level enough to make a difference in how I feel there. And in how I perform there. But I really need to buckle down.

So. The plan. I'm going to do my best to follow WW to the letter. I can do that for six weeks. I'm also going to exercise, every day. Hard. Now this I'm not so sure about...I've said it before, I'm strong. Stronger than you'd expect. So working out hard isn't a problem. Working out every day? That might be.

But I'll do my very best. Promise.

Here we go!

Twilight Zone weigh in.

2008-12-30T16:09:00.002-05:00

I didn't go to WW last week. I should have made the time but I didn't. I haven't been to Weight Watchers in almost two weeks. I haven't counted a point in almost two weeks. I haven't even really been making an effort to eat reasonably. In fact, I've eaten dreadfully. I've had more chocolate than I should have. I've eaten full meals (practically) after getting home from work at 1:00 in the morning. I've had what we call around here, "Truck treats" (that's the crap that I'm in the habit of eating when I'm out running errands). Other than shoveling the driveway, I haven't done any exercise.

So I was prepared for a gain of at least four or five pounds. And I debated about waiting until after the holidays to go back to WW. I figured I'd let myself have free reign for another couple of days. But I decided against that. I decided that facing the music would have to be the kick in the pants that I needed to get back on track. I worried that a gain would make me give up. But I KNEW that not going to weigh in and being accountable for my actions would be more likely to make me give up. So, I went.

I was up. We all knew that was coming. I was up .2 ...

I'm beginning to think that the medication I was on was having more of an effect on my weight than I thought. It's really the only explanation.

Random Stuff

2008-12-26T09:17:00.002-05:00

Christmas was nice :-) I ate too much, of course. But it's Boxing Day and Christmas is officially over so there are no excuses now! We don't really celebrate New Years (especially since I'm working New Years Eve!) so I don't have to worry about that.

My Dad is visiting. He hasn't been anywhere for Christmas in 40 years! So this was a big change for him! He seems to be enjoying himself and I'm happy about that.

We were talking about step mom's new boyfriend (remember him?) and Dad told me that they weren't together anymore because the guy's WIFE was moving back in with him. He was a married man. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I know it's wrong...but it made me a little bit happy. I'm petty and childish, I know.

Bones and Berio were really good this year. Although, Bones broke my heart a little bit yesterday. Quick back story...from the time Bones was 1 until she was 2, we put her in a home daycare. The daycare provider was my younger sister's boyfriend's mother, so I was as comfortable as I could be leaving her there. That's not saying much. I don't trust people easily. My own childhood experiences taught me that you can't always count on people...even the people who are supposed to protect you the most. So, it was hard.

Shortly after I went on maternity leave the second time, Bones (who was only just over two at the time) was talking to one of her dolls and said, "Do you want to go to bed? Do you want to go to bed? Well, SHUT UP!" I was shocked. Completely shocked. We don't talk like that to each other in my house so I had no clue where that had come from. I asked who said that word and she told me, "Daycare provider (DCP from now on) did." I was upset but figured it wouldn't be worth it to make a big deal about it. Bones was only two and wouldn't remember it, especially since she was never going back there again. And DCP was practically my sister's mother in law. I didn't want to rock the boat, I guess.

DCP's name comes up every now and then and Bones will bring up the "Shut up" thing sometimes. We've never mentioned it again, except to let her know when she brings it up that DCP shouldn't have said that because it wasn't nice.

Yesterday, my sister was over. She's still with DCP's son. She had to leave since she was going to DCP's for dinner. After she left, Bones, who is almost five now, and I had the following conversation.

Bones - Where did Auntie K go?
Me - She went to DCP's house.
B - DCP's house?
M - Yep.
B - I hope DCP doesn't yell at Auntie K.
M - (small fake chuckle here) Why would DCP yell at Auntie K?
B - Well, she yelled at me.
M - silent
B - She said, "Stop crying...there's nothing to cry about. Shut up!" But there WAS something to cry about!
M - What was there to cry about?
B - Because I didn't like her!

At this point, I sort of apologized for having to send her there...but I didn't want to get all dramatic about it and freak her out so we just dropped it at that point.

I felt sick to my stomach, though. In the grand scheme of things, someone telling my daughter to shut up is not that bad. I know that. There are children out there that are enduring unspeakable things. This just isn't that bad.

But it is. Because I remember her crying and crying as we were leaving her there. And I hated every second of it. It felt like I was being torn apart. But I left her there anyway. Because I thought she was just being a normal baby that didn't want to be separated from her parents. And I understood that. But I felt like I had no choice. I had to go back to work. So I left her there. And something bad happened to her. Something that, although small in the grand scheme, still stays with her almost three years later. It makes me sad.

Enough about that. I have to go and clean. What a mess!

Hope everyone had a nice Christmas :-)

Peace.

Silent Night

2008-12-22T23:18:00.003-05:00

It's just after 11:00 p.m. My house is quiet except for the ticking of the dining room clock and the drone of the fan in the bedroom downstairs. It's dark except for the lights on the Christmas tree. And I feel peaceful. My husband is asleep. My girls are cozy and warm and safe in their beds. The cats are sleeping under the tree.

We have everything we need and more. I'm so thankful.

This is the life I've made for myself.

I love it.

Is it the holidays or is it something else?

2008-12-22T00:29:00.002-05:00

I've been struggling the past couple of weeks. The past few days in particular. More than struggling, really. It's like I just curled up into a ball and am letting old habits have their way with me.

I've only had a couple of holiday type events so far, so I'm not sure that's what the problem is.

A year or so (or two?) ago I was seeing a therapist and we talked about how I've been able to lose weight in the past but how I never seem to make it past the 15 - 18 lb. mark. Which is where I am right now. We never really came to any sort of conclusions about that. Maybe I should have stayed in therapy! I just got sick of her telling me that my problem was that I was bored.

I'm too tired to think about this right now, though.

Just so you know, I'm not giving up. I may be backsliding a bit right now...but I'm not giving up.

Never give up.

I can see clearly now...

2008-12-19T09:01:00.002-05:00

why people gain an average of 11 pounds over the holidays! I'm getting to point where I don't even care if I lose any weight. I just don't want to gain any!

I need to make time to exercise. I MUST. It will make all the difference. I'm very overweight, but I'm still quite healthy and strong so I can exercise at a high intensity. I'm lucky that way. I know people who are less overweight than I am but are unable to walk around the block without taking a break. I'm pretty tough...

So, there's that.

Also...holy smokes, lady! Plan a menu, why don't you???? I didn't plan my menus for this week and never did make it to the grocery store.. Fail to plan? Plan to fail. I'm not even going to go into detail on why that applies on so many levels this week! Suffice it to say, I will be hitting the grocery store sometime TODAY!

Phew! Feels good to get that out there.

Falling back (emotionally) on this morning's numbers

2008-12-17T22:29:00.003-05:00

I was up .8 today. But I know that the reason I am up is because I ate over my points this week. And I didn't exercise as much as I should have. So a gain is not at all unexpected. I have to work at this. There is no way around it. I WANT to work at this. I'm doing really well. REALLY well. And I'm not stopping; I'm just getting warmed up!

NSV (much needed today!) - I had to order an XL work belt in April of 2008 because my large belt didn't fit anymore. It was embarrassing. Today, I officially switched back to a large! How funny...I'm excited about wearing a large!

I can't wait until it's a medium!

18/82

Tis the season

2008-12-17T07:11:00.002-05:00

I have a work pot-luck Christmas luncheon today. I was worried about it until I remembered that tonight is weigh in at Weight Watchers. If that's not motivation, I don't know what is!

I know I shouldn't, but I weigh myself at home every Wednesday morning. Just so that I can have an idea of which way the scale is going to go that evening. Today was a good number. So even if, for some reason, the numbers are not what I'd like to see this evening, I know that I'm still moving in the right direction. It's like, if I happen to gain tonight at WW, I can always (emotionally) fall back on this morning's number. Weird, I know!

My Own Worst Enemy (It's a t.v. show too!)

2008-12-16T15:51:00.002-05:00

Yesterday went well. Except for the salt and vinegar chips that my husband gave me that may or may not have put me a point or two over for the day. But I'll take it! Today is going well, also. It's almost dinner, we're having homemade pizza, and I'm doing just fine for points.

I have to say, last night I very nearly blew it. I was downstairs watching "My Own Worst Enemy", it was getting late and I was the only one still up. There was a voice...not a voice exactly, but a feeling...that I should just go upstairs and find something to eat. Something bad. And a lot of it! I started to feel like it really didn't matter what I did. I started to feel like I didn't want to fight anymore. Like I wanted to give up.

I feel like that a lot. But more and more I'm able to pep talk myself out of it and when I can't talk myself out of it I'm more and more likely to say, "Well, tough luck buddy! The answer is no and that's it. Quit even thinking about it!" Which is what I had to do last night. I looked in my WW book for a 0 point snack and had that before I went to bed. It was all good. :-)

So, there you go. If you're struggling and a pep talk won't work, pretend you're talking to a 4 year old! And put your foot down!

I need to get my head in the game!

2008-12-14T12:42:00.001-05:00

That is all.

Oatmeal raisin cookies

2008-12-13T01:08:00.002-05:00

I had to make some cookies for a tea party the girls are going to tomorrow. The recipe I had made WAY too many. So I've been eating a lot of them...

They're good...and so bad!

Holy crap!

2008-12-12T20:16:00.003-05:00

The new dvd I mentioned the other day? It's Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred...and holy crap! The workouts are only 20 minutes long but they are HARD. I just finished the easiest level, doing the modifications for beginners and both my arms and legs are still shaking! Yikes! I'm going to be sore tomorrow!

I have absolutely no doubt that this is classified as HIGH intensity.

Ouch.

What's different?

2008-12-11T21:49:00.003-05:00

If this blog is ever going to help anyone else, a couple of things have to be present. First, I'm going to have to be successful. That's a no brainer. But I think I'm also going to have to articulate why this time was different.

Is it different? I hope so. I'm staying positive, that's the main thing. I'm not making excuses. I'm medicated! I think that's made a big difference.

But I don't know. I always feel hopeful in the beginning. Then again, this is the most weight I've lost in a long time. And I still feel like I'm going strong. I'm trying to follow the advice I've read in several places over the past couple of weeks. Christmas is a holiDAY not a holiWEEK. Cheesy? Yeah...but pretty true nonetheless. Usually by now I'd have already started. I would have had my annual cookie exchange party and then my husband and I would have eaten all the cookies by ourselves before Christmas! I decided not to have the party this year. Sure, it's fun. But would it have been worth it? I don't think so. Do I feel deprived? Not at all.

So, what's different? Is it just because this time I'm truly NOT looking for the magic book, article, recipe or plan? Maybe. Is it because I came to the realization that there is only one thing that will work and that is to eat less, eat right and move more? I really think that's it. That and my vow to never give up.

Never give up.

Plan for today

2008-12-11T08:15:00.002-05:00

Today I have to clean out my fridge. I have some leftovers in there that need to be thrown out. I'm also going to plan dinners for the next couple of weeks and make my shopping list. Then, maybe, I'll make some beef barley soup. Mmmm...beef barley. It's cold and snowy and windy here and a nice hot bowl of soup would probably feel pretty good. I really hope I have barley!

I should probably also organize my desk.

Time to get cracking!

My first gain

2008-12-10T20:50:00.002-05:00

And I can live with it. Mainly because I don't even have to change my pounds lost/pounds to go thingy.

Up .2

Now it's a fresh start with a whole new Weight Watchers program. Momentum, they call it. I love it when things are fresh and new and we got some fresh new materials tonight. Not much has changed...but I'm all about a clean slate. And this time, there was only a gain of .2 before the slate was wiped instead of a gain of 35.

I also bought a new workout dvd. Fresh and new.

So. I'm making gains all around, wouldn't you say?

19/81

Hey...self!

2008-12-10T15:34:00.002-05:00

You are probably going to have a gain this week. It's okay. It's partly water...you've been drinking a fair amount today and nothing is coming out. Your monthly visitor is here. You've been sick. Please, don't do anything crazy like giving up over one gain. You've worked really hard and have come a long way. If you work at it, it'll be gone by next week. Just breathe.

We shall see...

2008-12-10T15:14:00.003-05:00

I really don't know what to expect tonight. If it's good, I'm going to be grateful. If it's not good, I'm not going to freak out.

I haven't exercised at all this week due to the cold. And my eating habits have been about the same...not perfect, not nearly as bad as before.

So. I don't know.

Yuck

2008-12-08T22:59:00.002-05:00

I'm sick. And moving into the hurting chest, painful coughing, gross phlegm portion of the show. And I'm supposed to go with Bonsie's class on her very first ever field trip to a farm. I'm not missing that.

That's all for now.

Sometimes it's not as bad as you think

2008-12-05T18:08:00.003-05:00

Tracking your food/points is a big part of WW. It's important to track. It helps keep you on the right path. But even when you're not exactly on the right track, journalling your food intake is important. It's important so that you can look back and see where you went wrong so that you can plan and prepare so that it doesn't happen again. So that when you don't see the numbers you want at weigh-in, you know why.

But here's another reason to do it.

Sometimes it's not as bad you think. For the past couple of days I haven't been keeping track of my food. I haven't been keeping track in my journal, that is. I've been keeping track in my head. Now, granted, I've been known to forget eating entire meals...but I don't think I have this time. But I do remember eating jelly beans ( a lot of them ) and gingerbread ( I made gingerbread men from a kit with the girls today...why, oh why, didn't I check the points value of those evil suckers before we made them??) and pizza. It sounds bad, doesn't it? And I'll admit it wasn't great. But I'm only over for the two days by 5 points. I still may want a snack later on (the plan is popcorn) so I'll be using a few more Flex Points. But if you'd have asked me to guess, I would have told you that I was about 20 points into my Flex. And I was feeling the same old feelings of failure. And I wasn't planning on counting. I was planning on throwing caution to the wind and eating even more! But I made a commitment this time to keep at it, no matter what. So, I decided to count. And now that I know it wasn't so bad, that I haven't done any damage, I'm able to stay on track. It's all head games with me. But it is what it is.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. It makes sense to me. But I'm tired and the middle of a stupid cold...so I may not be making tons of sense.

Are you ready for it?

2008-12-04T13:30:00.002-05:00

Success stories all seem to have some things in common. The one that gets to me the most is when they say, "I was just ready to do it. You have to be ready and when you're ready the weight will come off."

Pardon? Oh, I'm ready! I've been ready for a long time! I was born ready. Seriously, I used to wonder what the heck that meant. But I get it now. I was equating readiness with wanting. I wanted it. I wanted it bad. I wanted to be thin more than anything. I really thought that I'd be happier if I was thinner. If wanting badly was enough, I'd have been thin a long time ago. Wanting does not equal readiness.

So what does it mean, then, to be ready?

I believe my "turning point" came one day when I was out for a walk on my lunch break. I blogged about it, actually. I didn't go into a lot of detail in my post, but the thing I remember the most about that walk is the realization that there is no magic pill. Nobody is going to do this for me. I can buy every diet book, magazine and pill there is and none of it will work because the only that works is, well, work. I came to the conclusion that I needed to eat less and move more. And that it was going to suck. It wasn't going to be fun. And it would come off so slowly and I would get so frustrated.

But at the same time, I felt optimistic. Because for the first time in a long time, I thought I just might be able to do it. For the first time in a long time, I had hope.

Now I'm not saying this is what ready means for everyone. I can (and did!) list many other reasons why I'm motivated to lose weight and possibly it's the combination of all of those things that keeps me going. I don't know. I don't have the answer. And I have a long way to go, yet. I'm sure I'll stumble. But it feels right this time.

I do know one thing that all of the people who have successfully lost weight have in common, though. They never gave up.

Never give up.

Yesterday's Pity Party

2008-12-03T22:06:00.002-05:00

So, I usually don't like to get all, "Wah wah, my childhood sucked, poor me." But it was late, I was tired and sick and I guess my defenses were down. The fact is, my childhood was mostly okay. There were a couple of years when it super-sucked!! And those years have caused me issues I'm sure I'm not even aware of, but I'm okay. I'm a reasonably intelligent, well-liked, mostly happy kind of person. So...yeah. We won't go there again for awhile!