Thursday, January 13, 2011

The next step

January is always a time for new beginnings and fresh starts. I'm not immune to the lure of a clean slate although, I've again sworn off dieting so that's not going to be in my list of New Year's Promises (as Bonsie's 1st grade teacher calls them).

The past year has been incredibly hard for me, weight-loss wise. There's nothing like a family tragedy in the first month of the year coupled with a huge increase in stress for the remainder of the year to prove that my propensity for eating my emotions away is alive and well. There were times over this past year when not only did I eat to numb my feelings but that I consciously chose foods for their stupor-inducing properties (Hello, Creamy Bacon Carbonara?!). I knowingly ate so that I would stop hurting. The problem is, it didn't work. No matter how much I ate, I still felt sad and raw and slightly crazy. No matter how much I ate, I couldn't stop the tears from coming. No matter how much I ate, I couldn't forget that my dad was gone. I tried therapy, but it was some weird online therapy that my workplace offered. It didn't help much. But the therapist did recommend some books by Geneen Roth. I decided that my new focus was going to be on changing my head and not my body and I went out and bought some of those recommended books. One, in particular, resonated with me: The Craggy Hole in My Heart and the Cat Who Fixed it. It was beautiful. I laughed, I cried...you know.

I talked to my family doctor and asked him to give me another referral to the Eating Disorders Program. He did and that's where we are right now. Waiting to hear from the program and to find out if they'll take me on as a patient. They did before, so hopefully, they will again.

I'll keep you posted.

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