Friday, January 28, 2011

Hush, Little Babies

Every night when the girls go to bed, provided I am not at work, I go and tuck them in. First I go into Berio's room. I kiss her and hug her and cuddle her. She goes to sleep now the same way she did when she was a baby...fighting it every step of the way. I don't stay in her room long. Staying there would only prolong things and there is a very small window of opportunity to get Berio to sleep before she gets overtired and ends up being awake for hours. She rocks herself to sleep sitting up. More often than not, she ends up slumped over in what must be a most uncomfortable position. I go back into Berio's room and I whisper, "Lie down, Sweetie" she lies down on her side and curls up. She doesn't like blankets, but I cover her up anyway. I don't want her to get cold.

After I leave her room, I go into Bonesie's room. She likes to be held and to have her back scratched. She also likes to be sung to. She, too, goes to sleep the same way she did when she was a baby...fast. Once she settles in, it only takes her a few minutes to get to sleep. And what a sound sleeper she is! I've never seen anything like it. Nothing can wake this kid up. Sometimes, I'll doze off in her bed with her. I'll fall asleep thinking about what they mean to me.

I know that I need to lose weight for myself...for my health. And maybe someday, I'll get to the point where I believe that I'm worth the kind of care and attention that losing this much weight requires. But in the meantime, I have to keep telling myself that these girls need their mother. If I don't lose weight, I will die sooner than than I need to. They're little girls, for crying out loud. They need their mother! Even when they're no longer little girls, they'll need their mother. Someday, they'll get married and have babies of their own and hopefully they'll need (or maybe just really want!) their mother. For now, I'm going to have to do this for them. They really are worth it :)

Monday, January 17, 2011

A year of firsts.

Tomorrow it will be a year to the day since you left us. This past year has been a year of firsts for me. My first birthday without you, the first Father's Day without you. The first time I didn't send a card or call you on your birthday (or, let's face it a day or two after your birthday). We celebrated our first Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year without you. It's been a long, difficult year. We've gone through your things, one by one. You really had a lot stuff! We joked about how pissed you'd be to see us getting rid of it all. And now, we've sold your home. Saying goodbye has been a long, painful process. Things haven't always gone as smoothly as I'm sure you would have wanted but we're doing the best that we can. I think we're all going to be okay. I think you'd be proud. Not a day goes by where I don't think about you, Dad. And tonight into tomorrow, though it hurts so bad, I'll be remembering your last hours. I'll be thinking about how this is yet another first. The first anniversary. I hope you're okay. I hope, wherever you are, you're at peace. I love you. I miss you.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The next step

January is always a time for new beginnings and fresh starts. I'm not immune to the lure of a clean slate although, I've again sworn off dieting so that's not going to be in my list of New Year's Promises (as Bonsie's 1st grade teacher calls them).

The past year has been incredibly hard for me, weight-loss wise. There's nothing like a family tragedy in the first month of the year coupled with a huge increase in stress for the remainder of the year to prove that my propensity for eating my emotions away is alive and well. There were times over this past year when not only did I eat to numb my feelings but that I consciously chose foods for their stupor-inducing properties (Hello, Creamy Bacon Carbonara?!). I knowingly ate so that I would stop hurting. The problem is, it didn't work. No matter how much I ate, I still felt sad and raw and slightly crazy. No matter how much I ate, I couldn't stop the tears from coming. No matter how much I ate, I couldn't forget that my dad was gone. I tried therapy, but it was some weird online therapy that my workplace offered. It didn't help much. But the therapist did recommend some books by Geneen Roth. I decided that my new focus was going to be on changing my head and not my body and I went out and bought some of those recommended books. One, in particular, resonated with me: The Craggy Hole in My Heart and the Cat Who Fixed it. It was beautiful. I laughed, I cried...you know.

I talked to my family doctor and asked him to give me another referral to the Eating Disorders Program. He did and that's where we are right now. Waiting to hear from the program and to find out if they'll take me on as a patient. They did before, so hopefully, they will again.

I'll keep you posted.

I'm thinking of going public!

This blog is already public but nobody in my real life knows about it. I didn't think that I could be really honest about what I was going through if I knew that they were reading. But I'm considering changing that. I want to write about my struggle. I still think that if I can get things under control that what I have to say might help someone. So, yeah, I'm thinking of outing my blog to my family. Maybe.

I used to have a few semi-regular readers but I think they've gone away. I looked back and it seems as though I only wrote seven entries in all of 2010. 2010 sucked ass. I can't promise that the topic of my dad and how I'm dealing with his passing won't come up...but as the year anniversary of his death approaches, I'm starting to feel like it's time to move on. I don't know how I'm going to do that. I guess we'll see.

I wonder if this will be the year?

I turn 40 this year. I weigh more than I ever have in my life. I've been referred (again) to the eating disorders program by my family doctor for treatment of binge eating/compulsive overeating.

I hope to all that's holy that this is my rock bottom. It certainly feels like rock bottom. I'm ready to start the long climb out of this wretched life. I really hope this is the year at all clicks.