Okay, so I didn't really think anyone was reading when I posted that last entry. But, apparently at least one person was! Not only was Ambyland kind enough to leave some words of support awhile back but she also came back to see how I was doing. I appreciate that so much! What a world we live in, where a perfect stranger can reach out, and with a few words, make someone feel a little less alone. Thank you, Ambyland!
I really did feel as dark as that last post sounded! It's been a fantastically, yucky year so far. First Dad died. I'm devastated by that. I loved him so, so much.
And the very day he died, we found out that my mom needed a heart bypass in addition to the two valve replacements we already knew about. I've been worried sick about her. I flew to Hamilton with her a couple of weeks ago and she had the surgery. She made it through the surgery...against the odds she had been given. Now she's in the hospital back in our home city. She's taking longer to recover than the average heart patient because she has many, many other health problems. I'm normally a very optimistic person (not really evident in this blog!) but optimism is hard for me right now. I was optimistic about my dad's chances for recovery and he died. So I'm still worried about her.
Then, on Mother's Day, we had to take Berio to the hospital. She was complaining of hip pain. They thought it might be a bladder infection but admitted us anyway, to rule out a hip joint/bone infection - which would require surgery. After two days in the hospital, hip infection was ruled out, bladder infection was ruled out and she was better. Now we have to do more tests. And I'm going to be scared all over again until we know for sure that she's okay.
I'm eating my emotions away. I'm self-medicating with food. I eat until I feel so full that I couldn't imagine eating anything else. I eat until I feel nothing but self-loathing and disgust for my lack of willpower; until there's no room for anything else, like grief and fear. And self-medicating this way is killing me. It is literally killing me. And that starts the sadness and the fear. And that makes me want to have a snack. It's a vicious, vicious circle.
However (yes, there is a however!), I firmly believe that I will get through this all. Because that's what I do. I keep going. I never give up.
My Thought Chain
7 years ago