Monday, June 22, 2009

What the therapist said...

Way before I ever started this blog, I saw a therapist for awhile. I wanted to talk about my childhood and my depression and "deal with" everything that happened when I was a kid. But we always ended up talking about my weight. I didn't like that. Buuuuut...I'm pretty sure I know why I didn't like it. It's because everything she wanted me to do was so hard! She wanted me to exercise, for crying out loud!! She wanted me to not make excuses!! She wanted me to take responsibility for my weight and didn't hand me some grand diagnosis that I could hide behind for the rest of my life.

We talked about how I have avoidance issues. I don't try new things because I don't want to fail. And if I do try something new and it's too hard, I just stick my head in the sand and avoid it. I pretend it's not there. And it doesn't even have to be something really hard...just something that I can't immediately do. Even if I know that it's something I really do have to do (a work project or homework for this correspondence course I'm taking, for instance) I'll pretend it doesn't exist if I encounter even the slightest bit of resistance. As long as I'm skating along, not having to put any effort in, I'm good. As soon as I hit a snag, though, I'm out.

I think it's fairly obvious why I haven't been here for so long. I'd love to say that I've been doing great and that I'm down another 10 pounds since the last time I posted. But I haven't been doing great. And I'm not down another 10 pounds. I'm up a bunch. I think my total loss is now at 13 pounds or so. And when I pick up the proverbial 10 lb bag of potatoes I do realize that it's still significant. And the fact that I haven't had to go back to an XL belt at work is significant. But I'm still disappointed in myself.

But I'm not a quitter. I'm an avoider ;-) And in the end, even if I go in kicking and screaming, I always do what needs to be done. That's where I am right now.


Kelly said...

welcome back

Fat Jeans said...

I can so relate to everything that you wrote. Know that you are not alone out there in this journey. Please stay with us... I enjoy reading what you write!