Sunday, April 19, 2009

Aside from the 4:00 am ice cream...

I've been doing well. I think that having the advantages of losing weight always in the back of my mind is helping. I am afraid, though, that I will always feel like I'm struggling. I tell myself it's like when I quit smoking. At first, I thought about/craved/NEEDED a cigarette all the time. All. The. Time. But day by day, it got easier. The times during the day when I really struggled started to decrease. And soon, I hardly ever thought about smoking. I've been smoke free for going on 4 years now. And I think about enjoying a cigarette, maybe, once every six months or so. I hope that if I can just be strong, the battle against junk food will be the same.

Of course, when I quit smoking the Mister also quit. He's not really on board with the whole eating right thing. He's overweight too. Not 100 lbs overweight...but his weight is affecting his health more than my weight affects mine. He has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, bad knees, depression, trouble sleeping...etc. And last night he felt like having ice cream and chips. So he asked me if I would go to the store for him. I said no - I've told him before that I can't do it...it's too hard. He decided to go himself. He asked me if I wanted anything. I said no. And I felt the stirrings of anger and resentment. On his way out he asked again if I wanted anything. I said no...again. He said, "Just one small bag?" I said NO.

The entire time I was saying no it was a struggle. I wanted to say yes! It's not like I just decided I wasn't going to eat crap and POOF! suddenly I didn't want crap! I WANTED chips and chocolate and ice cream! When I had to say no I felt angry...completely pissed that I couldn't eat what I want. Completely pissed that he was going to get to each junk while I "suffered".

Later, while we watched t.v., he mentioned that there were some chips left if I wanted them. I'd had enough. I turned to him and told him, "Look...I said no! This is REALLY hard for me. I'm trying REALLY hard to do this right..." I was on the verge of crying and not being able to say anything at all. He said he was sorry and that he'd stop. And he did.

I did end up standing at the kitchen sink at 4:00 a.m. eating ice cream straight out of the container. A bad habit to be sure but I counted the points and since I slept in today and wasn't hungry until going on lunch time, I'm calling it breakfast. I made sure to have a low point but filling lunch and I'm back on track for the day.

All for the reasons listed previously. :-)

2 comments:

Juice said...

Wow - talk about sabotage! Is there something passive aggressive going on with your husband or is he just fearful of losing his eating buddy? Way to go standing up to him!

fatty McButter Pants said...

OUCH! So sorry that happened to you. It broke my heart, cause I could totally relate to eating the damn stuff anyway at 4am. It really helps to have people around you that really want you to succeed. Maybe he was just having a bad day. Hope that's what it was!