This is Peggy's Cove in Nova Scotia. Some co-trainees and I went there on my recent trip to Halifax. I don't have much to say right now, so I thought I'd at least post a picture to look at. It was not exactly the height of tourist season while we were there so it seemed very deserted. And it was really windy and COLD! Just looking at this picture makes me shiver! It was a little sad, actually. Peggy's Cove is the site of the Swissair Flight 111 crash in which 229 people died. Even though it happened more than 10 years ago you can't help but quietly reflect on all of those people when you're there. There is also a monument not far from the site of this picture.
Several posts ago, I mentioned that I wasn't updating my progress because I was in denial. Well, I can't stay in the land of denial forever! I weighed in yesterday and I'm up 4 lbs. I've been doing alright for the past week or so but before that it wasn't pretty! So...here it is.
I've been doing well. I think that having the advantages of losing weight always in the back of my mind is helping. I am afraid, though, that I will always feel like I'm struggling. I tell myself it's like when I quit smoking. At first, I thought about/craved/NEEDED a cigarette all the time. All. The. Time. But day by day, it got easier. The times during the day when I really struggled started to decrease. And soon, I hardly ever thought about smoking. I've been smoke free for going on 4 years now. And I think about enjoying a cigarette, maybe, once every six months or so. I hope that if I can just be strong, the battle against junk food will be the same.
Of course, when I quit smoking the Mister also quit. He's not really on board with the whole eating right thing. He's overweight too. Not 100 lbs overweight...but his weight is affecting his health more than my weight affects mine. He has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, bad knees, depression, trouble sleeping...etc. And last night he felt like having ice cream and chips. So he asked me if I would go to the store for him. I said no - I've told him before that I can't do it...it's too hard. He decided to go himself. He asked me if I wanted anything. I said no. And I felt the stirrings of anger and resentment. On his way out he asked again if I wanted anything. I said no...again. He said, "Just one small bag?" I said NO.
The entire time I was saying no it was a struggle. I wanted to say yes! It's not like I just decided I wasn't going to eat crap and POOF! suddenly I didn't want crap! I WANTED chips and chocolate and ice cream! When I had to say no I felt angry...completely pissed that I couldn't eat what I want. Completely pissed that he was going to get to each junk while I "suffered".
Later, while we watched t.v., he mentioned that there were some chips left if I wanted them. I'd had enough. I turned to him and told him, "Look...I said no! This is REALLY hard for me. I'm trying REALLY hard to do this right..." I was on the verge of crying and not being able to say anything at all. He said he was sorry and that he'd stop. And he did.
I did end up standing at the kitchen sink at 4:00 a.m. eating ice cream straight out of the container. A bad habit to be sure but I counted the points and since I slept in today and wasn't hungry until going on lunch time, I'm calling it breakfast. I made sure to have a low point but filling lunch and I'm back on track for the day.
I don't have any friends. Mostly it's not a problem but lately I've been thinking about how this affects my daughters. I want them to have large support systems that include both family and friends. So...I'm making an effort to have some friends. Children learn from our example, right? So, I went for coffee the other night with an old school friend. We had a nice time although I was conscious the ENTIRE time about the fact that I'm much heavier now than I was in high school. I can't wait until that doesn't happen anymore.
I bought another "diet" book. I think I'm mentally ill. For real. Why do I think that a new book (or magazine or workout dvd or piece of fitness equipment etc. etc. etc.) will suddenly provide me with magic fat burning powers? After all I've learned, why do I still look for that magic pill to take it all away?
Anyhow...it's a book about cognitive behavior therapy. It's called The Beck Diet. It's not a diet at all though. It's more of a book about how to stay on a diet. And it's got some good points. But it's also requiring me to put in effort. And I'm kind of avoiding that right now.
Thanks to my blog buddies for checking up on me. I'm still here. Still struggling but hoping to surface soon!
I'm a (part-time) working mom to two beautiful girls, Bonsie (7) and Berio (5) and wife to a pretty cool dude. I started this blog to chronicle my journey to lose 100 lbs in the hopes that someday what I have to say here will help someone else. Did I lose the weight? Maybe I did and maybe I didn't. But I did realize along the way that being overweight wasn't the problem. It was a symptom.