Thursday, January 29, 2009

About yesterday

So, I was down .8 yesterday. And I shouldn't complain about that...if I'm being honest I really didn't follow the plan. But I have to admit, when Janet said "Good, you're down .8." I almost collapsed into a puddle of tears. I was feeling pretty defeated yesterday, truth be known. I didn't participate during the meeting. I just sulked. And every once in awhile the reasonable person that lives inside of me would pipe up and say something meant to be comforting and uplifting and I'd shoot her down. Miserable.

But that's not really going to get me anywhere, is it?

Yeah, I'd be doing better if I was following all the rules all the time. But I'd be doing worse if I wasn't following any rules at all. Yeah, I'd love for this weight to be coming off faster but the fact is, if I continue to lose weight at the pace I am (if I'm lucky...a pound a week) I'll be down another 52 pounds by this time next year. 52 pounds!! Add that to what I've already lost and we're talking about more than 70 pounds!!

Compare that to what I'll weigh in a year if I do nothing...

That .8 loss put me at 14 pounds lost at WW. For a grand total of 20 pounds. I'm finding it really hard to get excited about this even though I KNOW what 20 pounds feels like (I picked up four 5-pound bags of carrots at the grocery store...it's a lot!) and I KNOW my clothes feel better and I have more energy and I KNOW I'm moving in the right direction! In fact, as of yesterday's weigh in...

I'm two tenths of the way to my BIG goal! That's great, right?! I'm officially working on a new set of pounds... ;-)

I'm trying to convince myself. I really am.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I want some ice cream

And if we had some here or if it wasn't midnight and too late to go out and get some, I'd be eating a big bowl right now. I suppose I should consider myself lucky!

Tomorrow is weigh in and I haven't worked out at all. And I'm over my points a bit. But not really by a lot, in the grand scheme of things. I have to focus on the fact that even if I ate more than I was supposed to, I still ate WAY, WAY, WAY, WAY less than I used to. So...I may not go down as much as I'd like to, but I shouldn't go up as much as I fear. ;-)

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I need a better plan (a vent)

I haven't exercised consistently in two weeks. The day just gets away from me. I know that I should take time for myself...make time for myself. But when?

I don't know how some women do it and when I try to wrap my head around it I just feel so stinking inadequate! I have a never ending mountain of laundry. There are toys everywhere. Menu planning, grocery shopping and cooking take up so much time and for what? Meals that rarely get eaten as a family...that the girls won't eat anyway, for the most part. And by the time things get cleaned up after dinner I have only a small window before it's time to put Berio to bed. Once she's in bed there's another small window before Bones goes to bed. Sometimes I have nothing to do during those times but usually I'm cleaning the kitchen or making school snacks and lunches or picking up toys. By the time they're both in bed and settled it's 9 p.m. (or later sometimes!). And by then I'm just too tired. Budgeting and paying bills take up my time too. And I do everything online...heaven help me if I ever had to pay bills the "old fashioned" way! And even with all the planning that I do, I feel like my finances are out of my control. There's a bleed somewhere and I can't find it! We're not struggling financially. We're very lucky. We have enough. More than enough, really. We just can't seem to get ahead. And every year we get closer to the day when we retire and closer to the day when our girls are going to leave for University. Something I've always wanted to be able to pay for.

I feel like I don't have the time to spend on things I enjoy (and would like to get better at!) like photography and maybe even knitting never mind something that I don't really love! I admit it...I don't LOVE to exercise. I am beginning to realize, though, that not everyone does. It's great if you can find something that you enjoy but even if you don't, exercise is like medicine...you just have to do it if you want to be healthy.

Meh...I'm done with this post.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Are YOU going to do it?

I was reading some other weight loss blogs last night. There are a lot of them! Some people are just starting out, some have already met their goals. Some only journal their food, some their exercise and some write about their day to day life - that just happens to include a weight loss component. Some started for accountability, some started simply to record and some started in the hopes of helping others. There are a lot of them.

I wish that the writer of every blog I've ever read was guaranteed to meet and maintain their weight loss goals. That would be awesome! But the reality is, most of them won't. That may include me. I might be one of the people who, despite my best efforts, will not succeed in losing weight and keeping it off. I mean, the statistics say that 95% percent of people who lose weight will NOT keep it off. Yikes! It's almost like winning the lottery (okay...a small one!), isn't it? And I've never been very lucky.

So how does one keep plugging away in the face of almost certain failure? If I really believe that only 5% of us will achieve and maintain our goals...well...why do I think that will include me? Should I just give up? Focus on accepting myself the way I am? Save myself a few dollars by not continuing my WW membership? Obviously, the answer to those questions is no.

The thing is, I have to believe that I'm ultimately going to succeed. I have to believe that while I may have set backs, I will succeed because I'm changing my whole life. I'm changing the way I look at food and I'm changing the way I look at exercise. I realize now that this is not an all-or-nothing venture that's not worth doing unless I can do it perfectly. I believe that with time and patience and hard work I will be one hundred pounds lighter than I was when I started. I really believe it. I know that all the "research" I've done on how to lose weight (I have read every book, you know!) and all the work I'm doing now to overcome this perfectionist attitude to weight loss along with a little dose of tough love are going to pay off.

So, I am going to be in that 5%. Will I see you at the finish line?

Friday, January 23, 2009

Confession time

I made it until 11:00 p.m. last night before I went to the fridge and had leftover pizza. So I did go over. It's not a big deal. I counted my points and everything which for me is the real battle...counting no matter what!

I just don't love starting the week like that. The WW week, that is!

Anyhow, that's not the confession I'm referring to in the title of this post! Here goes. I've been really good about going to my meetings. I've only missed one since October and that was at Christmas time. I've been getting the new materials along with everyone else, a new book every week. Wednesday evening, the leader was talking about something from book three and I had no clue what she was talking about. Because....well....I haven't been reading the books!!!! They give them to me and I put them in my bag and never look at them again! Not the most effective way to "work the program", wouldn't you say?

So, that's my goal for this week. I want to read the books. Get in the game. See what can happen when I put some effort into this little adventure! :-)

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Well this should be interesting...

I had a cinnamon raisin bagel with butter for breakfast, a coffee with cream and two chocolate covered marshmallow things this morning. So far, I calculate 14 points...and I haven't eaten lunch or planned dinner.

What the heck...the great thing about still being fat is that I get more points than my skinnier counterparts! So, if I add in some exercise I should easily get through this day without having to dip into the Flex Points!

I'm up for the challenge!

I'll be back tomorrow with the update!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Weekly OSB Update

Down 1.8 for a WW total of 13.2 and overall total of 19.2. On the move again!!

Monday, January 19, 2009

I need to get my butt in gear

But I'm so very lazy today!!

I'm making White Bean and Spinach Ravioli for dinner - from Clean Eating Magazine (which I LOVE) and I need to vacuum. And I should exercise.

But I want to go to bed. Seems like that's all I want to do this week! Maybe I'm coming down with something.

YAWN!!!!!!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

What have you learned?

Whenever my WW leader gives out a five pound star, she asks us to share something that we learned with the other WW members. Something that just might help the new people coming in or provide inspiration for the regulars. Well, in anticipation of the day I get my 15 lb star (if not this week, surely next!!) I've been thinking about it. What have I learned? What's keeping me in line this time around?

I've finally figured out that the cold, hard truth is that if I want to lose weight I need to eat less and move more. I mean, we all know this...but we don't really know, if you know what I mean. I realize now that watching my portion sizes and choosing healthy foods is NOT THE SAME as being on a diet. It's just what healthy people do. I've made a conscious decision to never give up. Never. Give. Up.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Today sucks

No reason, really. I'm just tired. I worked until midnight, came home watched Grey's and went to bed going on 2 a.m. I suppose I could have gone to bed a little earlier, but the fact is, I'm just not sleepy when I come home from work! As it was, I was in bed for awhile before I was able to fall asleep. And then Bones had school today, so I was up at 7:30. Sigh...

Lack of sleep messes with everything. I walked up the stairs this morning and I felt like I'd just run a marathon! Everything takes so. much. effort. I want to work out but I can barely summon the energy to wash my dishes and make Berio's lunch!

My food choices are typically pretty bad when I'm tired. So far, so good today. I made sure to have a hearty breakfast and I think that's helping. But the day is young.

And I get to do it all again tonight. Yay.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

It's a long one!

Now then, first things first. I didn’t post my gain last week. It was just so bad that I didn’t dare admit to it. Now, I’m coming clean. I was up 4.8 lbs!! There were some factors that made it partially an artificial gain. But it wasn’t completely due to the fact that I wasn’t wearing my proper weigh in clothes, let me tell you! Anyhow…I didn’t freak out. I recommitted myself and I had a PERFECT week. That’s right! I did it!! In fact, as of right now (and there are still a few hours in the day) I still have 18 flex points left! AND I even used some for some chocolate! I got the good stuff too; a Lindt 70% Cacao with Caramel. Oh yes, gone are the days of wasting precious flex points on anything less than excellence!

And now for the question of the day. Did it pay off? Well, I was down 4.4 this week and am almost back to pre-holiday weight…so I’m going to say YES! And in keeping with my plan to focus only on small, small goals, I need to lose 3.6 lbs to (finally!) get that 15 lb star at WW. Now…I know that 3.6 lbs is more than the recommended loss for one week…but, I need to lose almost (oh yeah! ALMOST!!) 100 lbs and I’m pretty sure that us bigger folk can lose a little more than the recommended amount and not be in danger of starving…so I’m shooting for 3.6 this week!

I think I can do it. If I have another perfect week (pretty easy if I plan ahead) and I step up the exercise just a notch, I’ll bet I can.

And finally, I’d like to share a couple of tidbits from tonight’s meeting. My leader, let’s call her Janet (because that’s her name….hardy har har), is fantastic! She’s quite inspirational and has no problem telling it like it is. She likes to “rattle our cages” every now and again and she really challenges me to think differently.

Tonight she was talking about “Flexible Restraint”, which sounds like an oxymoron, but really isn’t. WW offers you the flexibility to make decisions about what you eat, where you eat, when you eat and, to an extent, how much you eat BUT also teaches restraint. And let’s face it, as much as we would all love to truly eat whatever we want, some restraint is required if it turns out that pizza, ice cream and chips is all you want. We talked about how food most definitely can be considered a “treat” but how it should never be considered a “reward”. A treat is something you indulge in once in awhile because…well, because it’s fun! Because it tastes good! Because you can! A reward…well, that’s completely different, isn’t it? A reward is something you get when you’ve been “good” and something you lose for being “bad”. Eating is not about being good or bad. Eating is about sustaining life.

She also said, now get ready for this, the food will still be there the next time we’re hungry!!! I know this seems really basic but it’s something that struck a chord with me. I sometimes eat to the point of discomfort, to put it mildly, and I’m not really sure why. But the fact is, if I stopped before that point I could always have more to eat later. I don’t have to eat like it’s the last meal I’m going to have for a month! Crazy, I tell you.

Crazy.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Plugging away...

One more day and it will have been a perfect week. Except I didn't work out today. But I will tomorrow. And that will make it 4 days out of 7 with APs. Not bad...not bad at all.

:-)

Monday, January 12, 2009

I don't want to jinx anything but...

Five good days down, two to go! And I've already earned APs on three of those days. Not only that, but I already have a plan for tomorrow's APs!

I'm feeling pretty good!

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Yesterday...

was a good day too. I'm going to shoot for one perfect week. So that's two down, five to go!

And I think I figured out what my problem was for the past couple of weeks. I mean, aside from the fact that it was the holidays! I started looking at "THE BIG PICTURE" instead of focusing on my small 2 - 5 pound goals. So, I'm back to that. First goal is to get my 15 lb star at WW (for a total of 21 lbs lost). That should only be a couple of pounds away. Easy peasy.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

If I go to bed right now...

I will have had a pretty good day. I stayed within points, wrote every bite and even forced myself to get on the treadmill while Grey's Anatomy was on.

Aside - Izzie better be certifiably insane and on the road to a serious mental breakdown. Her entire story line is ridiculous otherwise.

Um...where was I? Oh, right the treadmill. I stayed on it for 20 minutes. I only got about four hours sleep last night, so today was not exactly a high energy day for me.

But I'm good with it. And now I'm going to bed. And I'm hoping the nightmares (not mine) stay away tonight!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Time for some tough love

I weighed in. I'm up. I just can't bring myself to post how much right now. Next week, when I'm back to normal, I'll post it. But not now.

I will say this, though. Now is not the time to get sad and depressed and all "poor me, poor fat me, I'll never lose this weight, blah, blah, blah." Now is the time to kick things up. Now is the time to prove that I don't stop at 18 or 20 lbs. No, no, no, no, no...I keep going. I'm like the freakin' energizer bunny. You come back in a week or two weeks or two months and I'll still be here. AND I'll still be losing. Losing like a freak!

I had a good day today. The first good one in awhile. And all it takes is one good day and a plan for the days to follow (which I have thanks to some menu/grocery shopping planning today!) to get me back on track. And I'm back.

Let's get this show on the road, kids!

What's going on?

I'm not sure why, but I've been having the hardest time getting back on track. I start each day with good intentions but by late afternoon, I'm eating crap and blowing it for another day. I feel like the effort I have to put into losing weight is just too much, but the funny thing is, I haven't been working all that hard. Since I've joined WW, I don't think I've had one "perfect" week. And I don't mean perfect in the sense that I've eaten nothing but fruits and veggies and lean protien and whole grains and exercised every single day. By perfect, I mean within points, using flex points when I want to indulge and exercising three or four days out of the week.

But that's not what I'm doing. Not even close. The other night I decided to indulge in chips and dip because I'd been craving them for a few days. So I got myself some Ruffles and some onion dip and that evening after the girls were in bed, I read my book and ate...the entire bag!

I've been doing pretty well, only having small gains each week, considering the way I've been eating and NOT exercising. I fear that tonight is the night it all catches up to me. Particularly since I'm going out for dinner at my sister in law's house before my meeting. I usually don't even eat dinner until after my meeting!

I'll be going to my meeting. But I'm not certain I'll be weighing in. And I'm not certain that's the best course of action.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

I stand corrected

Mama H and Coco said tomorrow was actually the New January 1. Evidently, they're right.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Did you know...

January 2nd is the NEW January 1st? Mmm hmm. It is. The new year starts tomorrow. Really.

Tee hee!

I just ate a NINE point piece of cheesecake!! It would have been 10, but Bonsie scammed a couple of bites.

Luckily, I earned 4 APs this morning doing one of my workout DVDs and then earned another 4 (at least!) trudging up and down a hill with the girls for an hour and a half this afternoon. We went sliding...well, they went sliding. I went up and down a hill a bunch of times to fetch the sled and then carried one of them around like a sack of potatoes when she refused to walk any further.

I EARNED that cheesecake! And no...I won't be doing that anymore. Well, not today anyway! ;-)

I am chilled to the bone! I need something warm and low in points for dinner...
BRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Motivation station (and HAPPY NEW YEAR!)

First, Happy New Year! I've got a feeling this is going to be a good year :-)



There's a very good chance that I'm going on a three week training course in mid-Feb. It's pretty physically demanding training at times and I'll be with a bunch of people I've never met. People who are probably in pretty good shape.

You know how when you have body issues you always think that everyone else is smaller than you and healthier than you? And usually it's all in your head? The reality is that you're not the fattest and most out of shape person there? Well, this is nothing like that. My job is the kind of job you usually see fairly fit and healthy people working at. There are no fitness requirements (like you'd have if you were a police officer or pro-athlete, for instance!) but they're probably coming soon.

So, this upcoming training is something that I'm going to be stressing about for the next six weeks (if my boss confirms that I'm going, that is). I believe that if I buckle down I can lose a bit more weight and also up my fitness level enough to make a difference in how I feel there. And in how I perform there. But I really need to buckle down.

So. The plan. I'm going to do my best to follow WW to the letter. I can do that for six weeks. I'm also going to exercise, every day. Hard. Now this I'm not so sure about...I've said it before, I'm strong. Stronger than you'd expect. So working out hard isn't a problem. Working out every day? That might be.

But I'll do my very best. Promise.

Here we go!