Monday, October 26, 2009

A poem

My Play
by Bonsie, age 5

Make a choice
for your voice.
Cuz you're going to be
in my story.
The frog that lives
in the log.
The bee that lives
in the tree.
The sky up high.




I'm not sure what it means. But I love it anyway :-)

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I'm going back to school!

I'm taking a correspondence course towards my BA in English. The plan was that I'd do the online learning thing and work part time for as long as it took to get my degree. I do have a college diploma...but I've always felt like something was missing and have wanted to go back to school for years! Anyway, this plan would work if I didn't mind it taking me 10 years to get my degree! I'm not a young woman, for cripes sakes. So, I talked it over with hubby and he agreed that if I can get the funding, I will enroll in the three year program at our local university. I'll still have to work three days a week but I'll be done school a lot sooner. I'm excited. And scared. As anyone who reads this blog can attest, I can barely form coherent sentences sometimes!

Yikes!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

NaNoWriMo

Ever heard of this? November is National Novel Writing Month and the idea is everybody who signs up writes a novel of at least 50,000 words in November! It's crazy! Could be fun...

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Let's talk about something else for awhile.

Next year, Bones and Berio will both be in school full time. I work part time and that part time work includes evenings and weekends. So, there may be entire weeks that go by where I will be alone in the house for the whole day. I know I'm not supposed to wish time away, but can I just say, I'm reeeeeally looking forward to that? I have visions of me dropping the girls off at school and taking a morning walk or bike ride. Coming home, having a shower without someone knocking on the door because they have to pee (even though we do have another bathroom...), cleaning and organizing my house, working on my correspondence courses, and maybe developing one of the many hobbies I have.

Maybe I'm imagining it will be better than it actually will. Probably, I am. But this little dream keeps me going on the days where it feels like everybody wants a piece of me.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Still here...kind of.

My husband was out of town for a month. My daughters are acting like rowdy little boys lately. I've been working. I'm taking a correspondence course towards my degree. I'm busy. I'm tired.

I'll be back.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Nothing to see here...

Shy Girl commented yesterday "the day doesn't end at lunch." Let me tell you, it would have better if if it had!

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Plumbing and Pizza Pops

So...we had a flood in the basement this morning. The hot water tank started leaking. Badly. And I spent a good part of the morning cleaning it up. And now we're without hot water until tomorrow evening (at the earliest...).

And in the midst of all the commotion I forgot I was supposed to be eating better today. And I had Pizza Pops for lunch. And I feel like a jerk for not even making it half a day.

One day

I need one day to get me back on track. Just one day where I don't mindlessly eat chocolate or chips or frozen pizza or ice cream.

I woke up with a headache today. I'm sure poor eating and even poorer hydration are the culprit.

I need to get out and do something. Maybe I'll go and take some pictures today. Bones and Berio will enjoy an outing, I think. Busy is good.

An old friend contacted me on Facebook. Once again, I'm too busy being worried about what she'll think of how fat I am to really enjoy being in touch with an old friend. Sad.

Anyway. One day.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Random

My older sister, who I haven't seen in about 7 years, is in town. On the way over to see her all I could think about is that she's going to see how fat I've gotten. I have some issues :P

Bones finished her first ever year of school yesterday! I'm so proud. I can't believe how quickly this year went. Next year will do the same and before I know it, both of the girls will be in school. I'm looking forward to that and dreading it at the same time. When did I get so old!?

I'm off work for a week. Woo hoo! Then I go back for a few days and I'm off for another ten days :-)

The girls are in the tub right now. I'm sitting on the bathroom counter on my laptop. I love my laptop.

I guess it's time to wash their hair...

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Oh...

And it's even worse than I thought.

10/90

I'm cleaning house!

Literally. My house is a bit of a mess. And all of those things I've been avoiding? Well, they are even harder to get started on when the house is messy. My desk is probably the worst of it and it's my desk that I really need right now! I mentioned a correspondence course in my last post...well, I have GOT to get going on that. It's not a hard course. It's a university level introductory English course. It's actually something that I enjoy! But for some reason, I put it off and put it off and while I'm not actually behind yet, I'm heading that way fast!

Anyway, this was just a short break. I'm more than halfway through today's 'to do' list and I want to get back at it before I lose all the momentum I have going here.

Later!

Monday, June 22, 2009

What the therapist said...

Way before I ever started this blog, I saw a therapist for awhile. I wanted to talk about my childhood and my depression and "deal with" everything that happened when I was a kid. But we always ended up talking about my weight. I didn't like that. Buuuuut...I'm pretty sure I know why I didn't like it. It's because everything she wanted me to do was so hard! She wanted me to exercise, for crying out loud!! She wanted me to not make excuses!! She wanted me to take responsibility for my weight and didn't hand me some grand diagnosis that I could hide behind for the rest of my life.

We talked about how I have avoidance issues. I don't try new things because I don't want to fail. And if I do try something new and it's too hard, I just stick my head in the sand and avoid it. I pretend it's not there. And it doesn't even have to be something really hard...just something that I can't immediately do. Even if I know that it's something I really do have to do (a work project or homework for this correspondence course I'm taking, for instance) I'll pretend it doesn't exist if I encounter even the slightest bit of resistance. As long as I'm skating along, not having to put any effort in, I'm good. As soon as I hit a snag, though, I'm out.

I think it's fairly obvious why I haven't been here for so long. I'd love to say that I've been doing great and that I'm down another 10 pounds since the last time I posted. But I haven't been doing great. And I'm not down another 10 pounds. I'm up a bunch. I think my total loss is now at 13 pounds or so. And when I pick up the proverbial 10 lb bag of potatoes I do realize that it's still significant. And the fact that I haven't had to go back to an XL belt at work is significant. But I'm still disappointed in myself.

But I'm not a quitter. I'm an avoider ;-) And in the end, even if I go in kicking and screaming, I always do what needs to be done. That's where I am right now.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I love...

When Beario says, "You know, Mommy...I love you!"
Knowing that my girls feel safe and loved.
My husband. And feeling the lines of communication crackling to life.
Feeling like I'm slowly, but surely, waking up.
Taking the girls for walks.
A tidy house.
Homemade soup.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

A break from the usual - photo post


This is Peggy's Cove in Nova Scotia. Some co-trainees and I went there on my recent trip to Halifax. I don't have much to say right now, so I thought I'd at least post a picture to look at. It was not exactly the height of tourist season while we were there so it seemed very deserted. And it was really windy and COLD! Just looking at this picture makes me shiver! It was a little sad, actually. Peggy's Cove is the site of the Swissair Flight 111 crash in which 229 people died. Even though it happened more than 10 years ago you can't help but quietly reflect on all of those people when you're there. There is also a monument not far from the site of this picture.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Weigh in

Down .2

18/82

Sometimes

I feel like I'm invisible.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Update

Several posts ago, I mentioned that I wasn't updating my progress because I was in denial. Well, I can't stay in the land of denial forever! I weighed in yesterday and I'm up 4 lbs. I've been doing alright for the past week or so but before that it wasn't pretty! So...here it is.

17/83

I'll be back at 21/79 before you know it!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Aside from the 4:00 am ice cream...

I've been doing well. I think that having the advantages of losing weight always in the back of my mind is helping. I am afraid, though, that I will always feel like I'm struggling. I tell myself it's like when I quit smoking. At first, I thought about/craved/NEEDED a cigarette all the time. All. The. Time. But day by day, it got easier. The times during the day when I really struggled started to decrease. And soon, I hardly ever thought about smoking. I've been smoke free for going on 4 years now. And I think about enjoying a cigarette, maybe, once every six months or so. I hope that if I can just be strong, the battle against junk food will be the same.

Of course, when I quit smoking the Mister also quit. He's not really on board with the whole eating right thing. He's overweight too. Not 100 lbs overweight...but his weight is affecting his health more than my weight affects mine. He has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, bad knees, depression, trouble sleeping...etc. And last night he felt like having ice cream and chips. So he asked me if I would go to the store for him. I said no - I've told him before that I can't do it...it's too hard. He decided to go himself. He asked me if I wanted anything. I said no. And I felt the stirrings of anger and resentment. On his way out he asked again if I wanted anything. I said no...again. He said, "Just one small bag?" I said NO.

The entire time I was saying no it was a struggle. I wanted to say yes! It's not like I just decided I wasn't going to eat crap and POOF! suddenly I didn't want crap! I WANTED chips and chocolate and ice cream! When I had to say no I felt angry...completely pissed that I couldn't eat what I want. Completely pissed that he was going to get to each junk while I "suffered".

Later, while we watched t.v., he mentioned that there were some chips left if I wanted them. I'd had enough. I turned to him and told him, "Look...I said no! This is REALLY hard for me. I'm trying REALLY hard to do this right..." I was on the verge of crying and not being able to say anything at all. He said he was sorry and that he'd stop. And he did.

I did end up standing at the kitchen sink at 4:00 a.m. eating ice cream straight out of the container. A bad habit to be sure but I counted the points and since I slept in today and wasn't hungry until going on lunch time, I'm calling it breakfast. I made sure to have a low point but filling lunch and I'm back on track for the day.

All for the reasons listed previously. :-)

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Friends

I don't have any friends. Mostly it's not a problem but lately I've been thinking about how this affects my daughters. I want them to have large support systems that include both family and friends. So...I'm making an effort to have some friends. Children learn from our example, right? So, I went for coffee the other night with an old school friend. We had a nice time although I was conscious the ENTIRE time about the fact that I'm much heavier now than I was in high school. I can't wait until that doesn't happen anymore.

Day one

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Well...I did it again!

I bought another "diet" book. I think I'm mentally ill. For real. Why do I think that a new book (or magazine or workout dvd or piece of fitness equipment etc. etc. etc.) will suddenly provide me with magic fat burning powers? After all I've learned, why do I still look for that magic pill to take it all away?

Anyhow...it's a book about cognitive behavior therapy. It's called The Beck Diet. It's not a diet at all though. It's more of a book about how to stay on a diet. And it's got some good points. But it's also requiring me to put in effort. And I'm kind of avoiding that right now.

Thanks to my blog buddies for checking up on me. I'm still here. Still struggling but hoping to surface soon!

Saturday, March 21, 2009

So far today...

Not too bad. Not perfect. Not great. But not horrible. :-)

I have a nice pot of chili on the stove. I made lots so I'll be freezing some. I'm drinking water right this minute. It's my first glass of the day...but I'm drinking it! It's finally starting to look like spring out there, so I may take the girls for a walk after dinner.

Things are looking up.

Okay then...

Let's try this again.

Friday, March 20, 2009

In a rut...

I just can't seem to get my head back in this game!

The decisions that I make now will determine whether I will succeed or fail at this. If I decide to stay on this course of eating poorly and not exercising, I will stay fat. I will get fatter. I will continue to have low energy levels. I will continue to be self-conscious in public. My knees will get sore again and I'll likely end up like my father, requiring knee surgery just to be able to walk. Depression will take over and I'll end up mostly bed-ridden, like my mother. My body will rebel, and rightly so, if I don't keep this commitment I've made to lose weight and be healthier. My body will rebel.

I decided awhile back that my motto here was going to be "Never. Give. Up." because I know full well that if I give up, I will fail. That's all there is to it. So my only chance at success is to never give up. There is no other option.

Now...let's see if that helps.

Friday, March 13, 2009

EEEK!

My comment from OSB...

Not good! I was away from home for three weeks (I only WISH it was a cruise!) and I had a gain of 3.2. So, a pound a week. I'm not happy, but I also don't believe it's a real gain...salty food the day before weigh in, PMS, etc. Still, I'm going to try to be extra conscientious this week!

Too lazy (and too in denial??) to update my progress. :P

18/82

Monday, March 9, 2009

Lisa, it's your birthday! Happy Birthday, Lisa!

I survived. I think we all knew I would. Anyway, it's good to be home. I'll be going to my first WW meeting in a month this Wednesday. Yeah, I could have gone in Halifax...but I didn't. So, we'll see.

And yes, it actually is my birthday today. I've been telling everyone that I'm turning 39 when, as my husband pointed out yesterday, I'm actually turning 38! Score! And I've got the Happy Birthday, Lisa song from the Simpson's stuck in my head. It happens every year. Ever since I saw the episode of the Simpson's where Bart collaborates with "Michael Jackson" (actually it was some guy that either thought he was the real MJ or he just happened to have MJ's name...) I've heard that song in my head on my birthday all. day. long.

I wonder if this happens to all Lisas?

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Tomorrow is the day!

I'm heading home. This has been a LOOOOONG three weeks. I'm not looking forward to Wednesday's weigh in, but maybe it won't be so bad.

I'm going to sleep now.

Monday, March 2, 2009

I hate being crazy

There's really not much more I can say about that right now.

:-(

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Six more sleeps

Last week went by very quickly. If this coming week goes by as fast, I'll be home before I know it. I cannot wait until Friday. I REALLY can't wait until Saturday! I already told my husband that he could sleep in on Saturday because I'm going to want to get up with the girls.

I'm quite interested to see if I've lost any weight. I feel like I have. But who knows. We'll see next Wednesday, I guess.

Six more sleeps.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Comfort food

Whenever I'm sick, all I want to eat are Mr. Noodles ramen noodles. I don't know if it's because it's easy or what but anyway...that's what I've been eating for the past couple of days. I know they are points killers. But I'm sick and I'm away from home and there's nobody here to baby me...so I'm eating noodles.

The upside (?? I guess ??) is that I was on my feel all day today going from one end of a ship to the other. And I'll be doing the same tomorrow. And the next day. And actually, for all of next week. So when I say my exercise level has increased I'm not kidding around! Will it be enough? Quite frankly, for the next 10 days I don't care. That doesn't mean I'll be hanging out in my room eating chocolate bars and french fries...but I'm not counting points. I'm willing to take any negative consequences that arise from this decision.

Today was not fun. My chest hurts a lot and the cold air made it feel like someone was stabbing me in the throat with every breath. I was gasping for air and people kept asking me if I was alright. I'm not. But there's really no point in getting into it every 15 minutes. Especially since I have to be here and there's nothing anyone can do about my health...I just have to suck it up.

This post is making me sound quite miserable when actually, I feel better than I have since I got here. Emotionally speaking, that is. And so, even though I'm sick, I'm okay. For now.

;-)

Monday, February 23, 2009

Oh, for Pete's sake!

Now I'm sick. Chest congestion, upset and sore stomach, body aches and I must admit...crankiness. Directed in particular to the young ladies in class who are so very proud of the fact that they aren't sick because they're from here and are used to the weather.

Because we all know that wind and rain are what really cause colds and flu.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Halifax, NS

I've been away from home for a week now. Only two weeks to go. I really thought I'd be updating more but even when we're not actually in training we're keeping fairly busy. Not only that, I don't want three weeks worth of posts talking about how I'm not making the best food choices but I'm getting more exercise. And how much I miss my family. My girls, mostly. I mean, I miss my husband too...but he and I have had periods of separation as long and longer than this one pretty much since we started dating 13 years ago. We're used to it. But the girls..my gosh...I never knew I could miss someone this much.

There's a storm coming, here in Halifax. I'm sort of looking forward to it. Is that weird? I mean, I don't want to see hurricane winds or anything! But I do love a storm! Maybe.

It does affect the training I'm on, though. And if I have to be here, I'd prefer to just get it done and not miss anything because of the weather. We've already missed half a day because of weather. Oh well. It's not like there's anything that I can do about it.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Insomnia

I'm tired. It's after midnight and I can't sleep. I'm exhausted. But when I shut everything down and get into bed sleep seems so far away. Sigh.

I'm eating more junk than I'd like. Snacking. It's because I'm bored. Bored and sad. I want to go home.

I'm so tired.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Freaking out just a little

I'm going away for three weeks. I'm going to to be almost 3,000 km from home. From my family. I wouldn't go if I didn't have to...but I have to. I've never left the girls for this long and though I know they'll be well cared for, I'm going to miss them so stinking much.

Being away from home is either going to be really good for the weight loss effort or it's going to be really bad! I'll have some challenges because I'll be eating out a lot for the next three weeks...but on the other hand I'll have plenty of time to plan my meals and exercise since I'll be all alone. And I'm staying in a room with a fridge, stove and microwave.

Ah well...we'll see. I'm not going to stress about it tooooooo much. But it would be nice to come back and find that I'd lost another pound or two.

I'll keep you posted.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

I messed up

Down 1 today. And I (FINALLY!!) got my 15 lb star at WW. With the 6 I lost before, that puts me at -21. Which is what I said I was last week. But I remembered tonight that I don't round up or down. I just go with the whole number. So last week I was still down 20. This week....

21 lost/79 to go

Friday, February 6, 2009

Wednesday weigh in

Down .8 (Again!!!! Am I really going to lose this weight .8 pounds at a time!?)

So, due to rounding...

21 lost/79 to go

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Untitled

Yesterday went well and today is off to a great start! I kept my points at 21 yesterday. That's considerably lower than my target. Today I'm going to try and do the same. I'm also going to get some exercise. I am SERIOUSLY lacking in that department. I just don't feel like doing it. And I know that it's good for me and it'll help me lose weight faster but the get up and go is just not there...

I made some yummy cabbage and sausage this morning and will be having that for lunch. It was easy. I had about a half of a LARGE bag of coleslaw mix in the fridge that had been there for awhile and I didn't want it to go bad so I chopped an onion and cooked it in 3 teaspoons of olive oil. I added a chopped lean sausage (3 points per) and then threw in the rest of the coleslaw mix. Cooked it until it was all soft then put a bit of salt and a lot of pepper on it and presto! Lunch (times 4, actually...there was a lot of cabbage!) at 2 points per serving! I'll have that with a glass of milk and a Kashi granola bar for "dessert".

I also tried to make the oatmeal "cookies" that were in one of my WW books. The idea is you take one packet of instant oatmeal, add some water, let it stand until thickened and then bake it into 4 cookies. Sounded good. Sounded easy. Actually, it sounded too good to be true...and you know what they say about things that sound too good to be true!! Well, this is NOT the exception to the rule, let me tell you! You know that fake, rubber food that dietitians use to show portion sizes? Yeah...that's what these "cookies" were like. Not impressed. Perhaps the fault lies with me. I may have done something wrong. The instructions were pretty simple though...not sure how I could have messed that up! Oh well. I guess I'll just bake. I've been wanting to make some kind of breakfast cookie anyway. I never have time for breakfast so a cookie, full of yummy, healthy goodness to have with my morning Tim Horton's coffee will be just the ticket!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Super Bowl XLIII

What a blow out! And I'm not talking about the game, ladies and gents!

We had a little party at our place yesterday. Just the four of us...it was fun! My husband made some delicious ribs and (deep fried) chicken wings. And Bones decided we needed a cake so I got one of those. And we couldn't have a party without beer and snacks! No, siree! I made a small effort and cut up some veggies and put them out with some light dip...for the girls. *blush* I didn't have any of the veggies (unless you count the fries...yeah, we made fries too!). I ate WAY too much. I was feeling sick by the time I went to bed and acid reflux was kicking in. YUCK!

The day before wasn't much better, either. My husband took me on a date! We went OUT to a movie...that's a pretty big deal around here. We don't get out a lot! So of course, because I'm an all or nothing kind of gal, knowing that it was a "special" day put me in a celebratory mindset and I ended up eating crap for a good part of the day. Yay.

The good news is...it was two days, not two weeks. I started out today with some fruit. Then for a snack I had some of those cut veggies with that light dip. It's almost lunch time and I think I may make an egg-white omelet or have some tuna or something. I plan on eating super healthy and maybe just a bit below my normal points range to compensate for the weekend.

Chili is on the menu for dinner tonight.

I'm working evenings so that will be an added challenge...but I'm going to walk the stairs for a bit and get some APs in there tonight and tomorrow too.

I feel good. I feel in control.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

About yesterday

So, I was down .8 yesterday. And I shouldn't complain about that...if I'm being honest I really didn't follow the plan. But I have to admit, when Janet said "Good, you're down .8." I almost collapsed into a puddle of tears. I was feeling pretty defeated yesterday, truth be known. I didn't participate during the meeting. I just sulked. And every once in awhile the reasonable person that lives inside of me would pipe up and say something meant to be comforting and uplifting and I'd shoot her down. Miserable.

But that's not really going to get me anywhere, is it?

Yeah, I'd be doing better if I was following all the rules all the time. But I'd be doing worse if I wasn't following any rules at all. Yeah, I'd love for this weight to be coming off faster but the fact is, if I continue to lose weight at the pace I am (if I'm lucky...a pound a week) I'll be down another 52 pounds by this time next year. 52 pounds!! Add that to what I've already lost and we're talking about more than 70 pounds!!

Compare that to what I'll weigh in a year if I do nothing...

That .8 loss put me at 14 pounds lost at WW. For a grand total of 20 pounds. I'm finding it really hard to get excited about this even though I KNOW what 20 pounds feels like (I picked up four 5-pound bags of carrots at the grocery store...it's a lot!) and I KNOW my clothes feel better and I have more energy and I KNOW I'm moving in the right direction! In fact, as of yesterday's weigh in...

I'm two tenths of the way to my BIG goal! That's great, right?! I'm officially working on a new set of pounds... ;-)

I'm trying to convince myself. I really am.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I want some ice cream

And if we had some here or if it wasn't midnight and too late to go out and get some, I'd be eating a big bowl right now. I suppose I should consider myself lucky!

Tomorrow is weigh in and I haven't worked out at all. And I'm over my points a bit. But not really by a lot, in the grand scheme of things. I have to focus on the fact that even if I ate more than I was supposed to, I still ate WAY, WAY, WAY, WAY less than I used to. So...I may not go down as much as I'd like to, but I shouldn't go up as much as I fear. ;-)

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I need a better plan (a vent)

I haven't exercised consistently in two weeks. The day just gets away from me. I know that I should take time for myself...make time for myself. But when?

I don't know how some women do it and when I try to wrap my head around it I just feel so stinking inadequate! I have a never ending mountain of laundry. There are toys everywhere. Menu planning, grocery shopping and cooking take up so much time and for what? Meals that rarely get eaten as a family...that the girls won't eat anyway, for the most part. And by the time things get cleaned up after dinner I have only a small window before it's time to put Berio to bed. Once she's in bed there's another small window before Bones goes to bed. Sometimes I have nothing to do during those times but usually I'm cleaning the kitchen or making school snacks and lunches or picking up toys. By the time they're both in bed and settled it's 9 p.m. (or later sometimes!). And by then I'm just too tired. Budgeting and paying bills take up my time too. And I do everything online...heaven help me if I ever had to pay bills the "old fashioned" way! And even with all the planning that I do, I feel like my finances are out of my control. There's a bleed somewhere and I can't find it! We're not struggling financially. We're very lucky. We have enough. More than enough, really. We just can't seem to get ahead. And every year we get closer to the day when we retire and closer to the day when our girls are going to leave for University. Something I've always wanted to be able to pay for.

I feel like I don't have the time to spend on things I enjoy (and would like to get better at!) like photography and maybe even knitting never mind something that I don't really love! I admit it...I don't LOVE to exercise. I am beginning to realize, though, that not everyone does. It's great if you can find something that you enjoy but even if you don't, exercise is like medicine...you just have to do it if you want to be healthy.

Meh...I'm done with this post.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Are YOU going to do it?

I was reading some other weight loss blogs last night. There are a lot of them! Some people are just starting out, some have already met their goals. Some only journal their food, some their exercise and some write about their day to day life - that just happens to include a weight loss component. Some started for accountability, some started simply to record and some started in the hopes of helping others. There are a lot of them.

I wish that the writer of every blog I've ever read was guaranteed to meet and maintain their weight loss goals. That would be awesome! But the reality is, most of them won't. That may include me. I might be one of the people who, despite my best efforts, will not succeed in losing weight and keeping it off. I mean, the statistics say that 95% percent of people who lose weight will NOT keep it off. Yikes! It's almost like winning the lottery (okay...a small one!), isn't it? And I've never been very lucky.

So how does one keep plugging away in the face of almost certain failure? If I really believe that only 5% of us will achieve and maintain our goals...well...why do I think that will include me? Should I just give up? Focus on accepting myself the way I am? Save myself a few dollars by not continuing my WW membership? Obviously, the answer to those questions is no.

The thing is, I have to believe that I'm ultimately going to succeed. I have to believe that while I may have set backs, I will succeed because I'm changing my whole life. I'm changing the way I look at food and I'm changing the way I look at exercise. I realize now that this is not an all-or-nothing venture that's not worth doing unless I can do it perfectly. I believe that with time and patience and hard work I will be one hundred pounds lighter than I was when I started. I really believe it. I know that all the "research" I've done on how to lose weight (I have read every book, you know!) and all the work I'm doing now to overcome this perfectionist attitude to weight loss along with a little dose of tough love are going to pay off.

So, I am going to be in that 5%. Will I see you at the finish line?

Friday, January 23, 2009

Confession time

I made it until 11:00 p.m. last night before I went to the fridge and had leftover pizza. So I did go over. It's not a big deal. I counted my points and everything which for me is the real battle...counting no matter what!

I just don't love starting the week like that. The WW week, that is!

Anyhow, that's not the confession I'm referring to in the title of this post! Here goes. I've been really good about going to my meetings. I've only missed one since October and that was at Christmas time. I've been getting the new materials along with everyone else, a new book every week. Wednesday evening, the leader was talking about something from book three and I had no clue what she was talking about. Because....well....I haven't been reading the books!!!! They give them to me and I put them in my bag and never look at them again! Not the most effective way to "work the program", wouldn't you say?

So, that's my goal for this week. I want to read the books. Get in the game. See what can happen when I put some effort into this little adventure! :-)

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Well this should be interesting...

I had a cinnamon raisin bagel with butter for breakfast, a coffee with cream and two chocolate covered marshmallow things this morning. So far, I calculate 14 points...and I haven't eaten lunch or planned dinner.

What the heck...the great thing about still being fat is that I get more points than my skinnier counterparts! So, if I add in some exercise I should easily get through this day without having to dip into the Flex Points!

I'm up for the challenge!

I'll be back tomorrow with the update!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Weekly OSB Update

Down 1.8 for a WW total of 13.2 and overall total of 19.2. On the move again!!

Monday, January 19, 2009

I need to get my butt in gear

But I'm so very lazy today!!

I'm making White Bean and Spinach Ravioli for dinner - from Clean Eating Magazine (which I LOVE) and I need to vacuum. And I should exercise.

But I want to go to bed. Seems like that's all I want to do this week! Maybe I'm coming down with something.

YAWN!!!!!!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

What have you learned?

Whenever my WW leader gives out a five pound star, she asks us to share something that we learned with the other WW members. Something that just might help the new people coming in or provide inspiration for the regulars. Well, in anticipation of the day I get my 15 lb star (if not this week, surely next!!) I've been thinking about it. What have I learned? What's keeping me in line this time around?

I've finally figured out that the cold, hard truth is that if I want to lose weight I need to eat less and move more. I mean, we all know this...but we don't really know, if you know what I mean. I realize now that watching my portion sizes and choosing healthy foods is NOT THE SAME as being on a diet. It's just what healthy people do. I've made a conscious decision to never give up. Never. Give. Up.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Today sucks

No reason, really. I'm just tired. I worked until midnight, came home watched Grey's and went to bed going on 2 a.m. I suppose I could have gone to bed a little earlier, but the fact is, I'm just not sleepy when I come home from work! As it was, I was in bed for awhile before I was able to fall asleep. And then Bones had school today, so I was up at 7:30. Sigh...

Lack of sleep messes with everything. I walked up the stairs this morning and I felt like I'd just run a marathon! Everything takes so. much. effort. I want to work out but I can barely summon the energy to wash my dishes and make Berio's lunch!

My food choices are typically pretty bad when I'm tired. So far, so good today. I made sure to have a hearty breakfast and I think that's helping. But the day is young.

And I get to do it all again tonight. Yay.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

It's a long one!

Now then, first things first. I didn’t post my gain last week. It was just so bad that I didn’t dare admit to it. Now, I’m coming clean. I was up 4.8 lbs!! There were some factors that made it partially an artificial gain. But it wasn’t completely due to the fact that I wasn’t wearing my proper weigh in clothes, let me tell you! Anyhow…I didn’t freak out. I recommitted myself and I had a PERFECT week. That’s right! I did it!! In fact, as of right now (and there are still a few hours in the day) I still have 18 flex points left! AND I even used some for some chocolate! I got the good stuff too; a Lindt 70% Cacao with Caramel. Oh yes, gone are the days of wasting precious flex points on anything less than excellence!

And now for the question of the day. Did it pay off? Well, I was down 4.4 this week and am almost back to pre-holiday weight…so I’m going to say YES! And in keeping with my plan to focus only on small, small goals, I need to lose 3.6 lbs to (finally!) get that 15 lb star at WW. Now…I know that 3.6 lbs is more than the recommended loss for one week…but, I need to lose almost (oh yeah! ALMOST!!) 100 lbs and I’m pretty sure that us bigger folk can lose a little more than the recommended amount and not be in danger of starving…so I’m shooting for 3.6 this week!

I think I can do it. If I have another perfect week (pretty easy if I plan ahead) and I step up the exercise just a notch, I’ll bet I can.

And finally, I’d like to share a couple of tidbits from tonight’s meeting. My leader, let’s call her Janet (because that’s her name….hardy har har), is fantastic! She’s quite inspirational and has no problem telling it like it is. She likes to “rattle our cages” every now and again and she really challenges me to think differently.

Tonight she was talking about “Flexible Restraint”, which sounds like an oxymoron, but really isn’t. WW offers you the flexibility to make decisions about what you eat, where you eat, when you eat and, to an extent, how much you eat BUT also teaches restraint. And let’s face it, as much as we would all love to truly eat whatever we want, some restraint is required if it turns out that pizza, ice cream and chips is all you want. We talked about how food most definitely can be considered a “treat” but how it should never be considered a “reward”. A treat is something you indulge in once in awhile because…well, because it’s fun! Because it tastes good! Because you can! A reward…well, that’s completely different, isn’t it? A reward is something you get when you’ve been “good” and something you lose for being “bad”. Eating is not about being good or bad. Eating is about sustaining life.

She also said, now get ready for this, the food will still be there the next time we’re hungry!!! I know this seems really basic but it’s something that struck a chord with me. I sometimes eat to the point of discomfort, to put it mildly, and I’m not really sure why. But the fact is, if I stopped before that point I could always have more to eat later. I don’t have to eat like it’s the last meal I’m going to have for a month! Crazy, I tell you.

Crazy.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Plugging away...

One more day and it will have been a perfect week. Except I didn't work out today. But I will tomorrow. And that will make it 4 days out of 7 with APs. Not bad...not bad at all.

:-)

Monday, January 12, 2009

I don't want to jinx anything but...

Five good days down, two to go! And I've already earned APs on three of those days. Not only that, but I already have a plan for tomorrow's APs!

I'm feeling pretty good!

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Yesterday...

was a good day too. I'm going to shoot for one perfect week. So that's two down, five to go!

And I think I figured out what my problem was for the past couple of weeks. I mean, aside from the fact that it was the holidays! I started looking at "THE BIG PICTURE" instead of focusing on my small 2 - 5 pound goals. So, I'm back to that. First goal is to get my 15 lb star at WW (for a total of 21 lbs lost). That should only be a couple of pounds away. Easy peasy.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

If I go to bed right now...

I will have had a pretty good day. I stayed within points, wrote every bite and even forced myself to get on the treadmill while Grey's Anatomy was on.

Aside - Izzie better be certifiably insane and on the road to a serious mental breakdown. Her entire story line is ridiculous otherwise.

Um...where was I? Oh, right the treadmill. I stayed on it for 20 minutes. I only got about four hours sleep last night, so today was not exactly a high energy day for me.

But I'm good with it. And now I'm going to bed. And I'm hoping the nightmares (not mine) stay away tonight!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Time for some tough love

I weighed in. I'm up. I just can't bring myself to post how much right now. Next week, when I'm back to normal, I'll post it. But not now.

I will say this, though. Now is not the time to get sad and depressed and all "poor me, poor fat me, I'll never lose this weight, blah, blah, blah." Now is the time to kick things up. Now is the time to prove that I don't stop at 18 or 20 lbs. No, no, no, no, no...I keep going. I'm like the freakin' energizer bunny. You come back in a week or two weeks or two months and I'll still be here. AND I'll still be losing. Losing like a freak!

I had a good day today. The first good one in awhile. And all it takes is one good day and a plan for the days to follow (which I have thanks to some menu/grocery shopping planning today!) to get me back on track. And I'm back.

Let's get this show on the road, kids!

What's going on?

I'm not sure why, but I've been having the hardest time getting back on track. I start each day with good intentions but by late afternoon, I'm eating crap and blowing it for another day. I feel like the effort I have to put into losing weight is just too much, but the funny thing is, I haven't been working all that hard. Since I've joined WW, I don't think I've had one "perfect" week. And I don't mean perfect in the sense that I've eaten nothing but fruits and veggies and lean protien and whole grains and exercised every single day. By perfect, I mean within points, using flex points when I want to indulge and exercising three or four days out of the week.

But that's not what I'm doing. Not even close. The other night I decided to indulge in chips and dip because I'd been craving them for a few days. So I got myself some Ruffles and some onion dip and that evening after the girls were in bed, I read my book and ate...the entire bag!

I've been doing pretty well, only having small gains each week, considering the way I've been eating and NOT exercising. I fear that tonight is the night it all catches up to me. Particularly since I'm going out for dinner at my sister in law's house before my meeting. I usually don't even eat dinner until after my meeting!

I'll be going to my meeting. But I'm not certain I'll be weighing in. And I'm not certain that's the best course of action.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

I stand corrected

Mama H and Coco said tomorrow was actually the New January 1. Evidently, they're right.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Did you know...

January 2nd is the NEW January 1st? Mmm hmm. It is. The new year starts tomorrow. Really.

Tee hee!

I just ate a NINE point piece of cheesecake!! It would have been 10, but Bonsie scammed a couple of bites.

Luckily, I earned 4 APs this morning doing one of my workout DVDs and then earned another 4 (at least!) trudging up and down a hill with the girls for an hour and a half this afternoon. We went sliding...well, they went sliding. I went up and down a hill a bunch of times to fetch the sled and then carried one of them around like a sack of potatoes when she refused to walk any further.

I EARNED that cheesecake! And no...I won't be doing that anymore. Well, not today anyway! ;-)

I am chilled to the bone! I need something warm and low in points for dinner...
BRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Motivation station (and HAPPY NEW YEAR!)

First, Happy New Year! I've got a feeling this is going to be a good year :-)



There's a very good chance that I'm going on a three week training course in mid-Feb. It's pretty physically demanding training at times and I'll be with a bunch of people I've never met. People who are probably in pretty good shape.

You know how when you have body issues you always think that everyone else is smaller than you and healthier than you? And usually it's all in your head? The reality is that you're not the fattest and most out of shape person there? Well, this is nothing like that. My job is the kind of job you usually see fairly fit and healthy people working at. There are no fitness requirements (like you'd have if you were a police officer or pro-athlete, for instance!) but they're probably coming soon.

So, this upcoming training is something that I'm going to be stressing about for the next six weeks (if my boss confirms that I'm going, that is). I believe that if I buckle down I can lose a bit more weight and also up my fitness level enough to make a difference in how I feel there. And in how I perform there. But I really need to buckle down.

So. The plan. I'm going to do my best to follow WW to the letter. I can do that for six weeks. I'm also going to exercise, every day. Hard. Now this I'm not so sure about...I've said it before, I'm strong. Stronger than you'd expect. So working out hard isn't a problem. Working out every day? That might be.

But I'll do my very best. Promise.

Here we go!