Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Twilight Zone weigh in.

I didn't go to WW last week. I should have made the time but I didn't. I haven't been to Weight Watchers in almost two weeks. I haven't counted a point in almost two weeks. I haven't even really been making an effort to eat reasonably. In fact, I've eaten dreadfully. I've had more chocolate than I should have. I've eaten full meals (practically) after getting home from work at 1:00 in the morning. I've had what we call around here, "Truck treats" (that's the crap that I'm in the habit of eating when I'm out running errands). Other than shoveling the driveway, I haven't done any exercise.

So I was prepared for a gain of at least four or five pounds. And I debated about waiting until after the holidays to go back to WW. I figured I'd let myself have free reign for another couple of days. But I decided against that. I decided that facing the music would have to be the kick in the pants that I needed to get back on track. I worried that a gain would make me give up. But I KNEW that not going to weigh in and being accountable for my actions would be more likely to make me give up. So, I went.

I was up. We all knew that was coming. I was up .2 ...

I'm beginning to think that the medication I was on was having more of an effect on my weight than I thought. It's really the only explanation.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Random Stuff

Christmas was nice :-) I ate too much, of course. But it's Boxing Day and Christmas is officially over so there are no excuses now! We don't really celebrate New Years (especially since I'm working New Years Eve!) so I don't have to worry about that.

My Dad is visiting. He hasn't been anywhere for Christmas in 40 years! So this was a big change for him! He seems to be enjoying himself and I'm happy about that.

We were talking about step mom's new boyfriend (remember him?) and Dad told me that they weren't together anymore because the guy's WIFE was moving back in with him. He was a married man. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I know it's wrong...but it made me a little bit happy. I'm petty and childish, I know.

Bones and Berio were really good this year. Although, Bones broke my heart a little bit yesterday. Quick back story...from the time Bones was 1 until she was 2, we put her in a home daycare. The daycare provider was my younger sister's boyfriend's mother, so I was as comfortable as I could be leaving her there. That's not saying much. I don't trust people easily. My own childhood experiences taught me that you can't always count on people...even the people who are supposed to protect you the most. So, it was hard.

Shortly after I went on maternity leave the second time, Bones (who was only just over two at the time) was talking to one of her dolls and said, "Do you want to go to bed? Do you want to go to bed? Well, SHUT UP!" I was shocked. Completely shocked. We don't talk like that to each other in my house so I had no clue where that had come from. I asked who said that word and she told me, "Daycare provider (DCP from now on) did." I was upset but figured it wouldn't be worth it to make a big deal about it. Bones was only two and wouldn't remember it, especially since she was never going back there again. And DCP was practically my sister's mother in law. I didn't want to rock the boat, I guess.

DCP's name comes up every now and then and Bones will bring up the "Shut up" thing sometimes. We've never mentioned it again, except to let her know when she brings it up that DCP shouldn't have said that because it wasn't nice.

Yesterday, my sister was over. She's still with DCP's son. She had to leave since she was going to DCP's for dinner. After she left, Bones, who is almost five now, and I had the following conversation.

Bones - Where did Auntie K go?
Me - She went to DCP's house.
B - DCP's house?
M - Yep.
B - I hope DCP doesn't yell at Auntie K.
M - (small fake chuckle here) Why would DCP yell at Auntie K?
B - Well, she yelled at me.
M - silent
B - She said, "Stop crying...there's nothing to cry about. Shut up!" But there WAS something to cry about!
M - What was there to cry about?
B - Because I didn't like her!

At this point, I sort of apologized for having to send her there...but I didn't want to get all dramatic about it and freak her out so we just dropped it at that point.

I felt sick to my stomach, though. In the grand scheme of things, someone telling my daughter to shut up is not that bad. I know that. There are children out there that are enduring unspeakable things. This just isn't that bad.

But it is. Because I remember her crying and crying as we were leaving her there. And I hated every second of it. It felt like I was being torn apart. But I left her there anyway. Because I thought she was just being a normal baby that didn't want to be separated from her parents. And I understood that. But I felt like I had no choice. I had to go back to work. So I left her there. And something bad happened to her. Something that, although small in the grand scheme, still stays with her almost three years later. It makes me sad.

Enough about that. I have to go and clean. What a mess!

Hope everyone had a nice Christmas :-)

Peace.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Silent Night

It's just after 11:00 p.m. My house is quiet except for the ticking of the dining room clock and the drone of the fan in the bedroom downstairs. It's dark except for the lights on the Christmas tree. And I feel peaceful. My husband is asleep. My girls are cozy and warm and safe in their beds. The cats are sleeping under the tree.

We have everything we need and more. I'm so thankful.

This is the life I've made for myself.

I love it.

Is it the holidays or is it something else?

I've been struggling the past couple of weeks. The past few days in particular. More than struggling, really. It's like I just curled up into a ball and am letting old habits have their way with me.

I've only had a couple of holiday type events so far, so I'm not sure that's what the problem is.

A year or so (or two?) ago I was seeing a therapist and we talked about how I've been able to lose weight in the past but how I never seem to make it past the 15 - 18 lb. mark. Which is where I am right now. We never really came to any sort of conclusions about that. Maybe I should have stayed in therapy! I just got sick of her telling me that my problem was that I was bored.

I'm too tired to think about this right now, though.

Just so you know, I'm not giving up. I may be backsliding a bit right now...but I'm not giving up.

Never give up.

Friday, December 19, 2008

I can see clearly now...

why people gain an average of 11 pounds over the holidays! I'm getting to point where I don't even care if I lose any weight. I just don't want to gain any!

I need to make time to exercise. I MUST. It will make all the difference. I'm very overweight, but I'm still quite healthy and strong so I can exercise at a high intensity. I'm lucky that way. I know people who are less overweight than I am but are unable to walk around the block without taking a break. I'm pretty tough...

So, there's that.

Also...holy smokes, lady! Plan a menu, why don't you???? I didn't plan my menus for this week and never did make it to the grocery store.. Fail to plan? Plan to fail. I'm not even going to go into detail on why that applies on so many levels this week! Suffice it to say, I will be hitting the grocery store sometime TODAY!

Phew! Feels good to get that out there.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Falling back (emotionally) on this morning's numbers

I was up .8 today. But I know that the reason I am up is because I ate over my points this week. And I didn't exercise as much as I should have. So a gain is not at all unexpected. I have to work at this. There is no way around it. I WANT to work at this. I'm doing really well. REALLY well. And I'm not stopping; I'm just getting warmed up!

NSV (much needed today!) - I had to order an XL work belt in April of 2008 because my large belt didn't fit anymore. It was embarrassing. Today, I officially switched back to a large! How funny...I'm excited about wearing a large!

I can't wait until it's a medium!

18/82

Tis the season

I have a work pot-luck Christmas luncheon today. I was worried about it until I remembered that tonight is weigh in at Weight Watchers. If that's not motivation, I don't know what is!

I know I shouldn't, but I weigh myself at home every Wednesday morning. Just so that I can have an idea of which way the scale is going to go that evening. Today was a good number. So even if, for some reason, the numbers are not what I'd like to see this evening, I know that I'm still moving in the right direction. It's like, if I happen to gain tonight at WW, I can always (emotionally) fall back on this morning's number. Weird, I know!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

My Own Worst Enemy (It's a t.v. show too!)

Yesterday went well. Except for the salt and vinegar chips that my husband gave me that may or may not have put me a point or two over for the day. But I'll take it! Today is going well, also. It's almost dinner, we're having homemade pizza, and I'm doing just fine for points.

I have to say, last night I very nearly blew it. I was downstairs watching "My Own Worst Enemy", it was getting late and I was the only one still up. There was a voice...not a voice exactly, but a feeling...that I should just go upstairs and find something to eat. Something bad. And a lot of it! I started to feel like it really didn't matter what I did. I started to feel like I didn't want to fight anymore. Like I wanted to give up.

I feel like that a lot. But more and more I'm able to pep talk myself out of it and when I can't talk myself out of it I'm more and more likely to say, "Well, tough luck buddy! The answer is no and that's it. Quit even thinking about it!" Which is what I had to do last night. I looked in my WW book for a 0 point snack and had that before I went to bed. It was all good. :-)

So, there you go. If you're struggling and a pep talk won't work, pretend you're talking to a 4 year old! And put your foot down!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Oatmeal raisin cookies

I had to make some cookies for a tea party the girls are going to tomorrow. The recipe I had made WAY too many. So I've been eating a lot of them...

They're good...and so bad!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Holy crap!

The new dvd I mentioned the other day? It's Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred...and holy crap! The workouts are only 20 minutes long but they are HARD. I just finished the easiest level, doing the modifications for beginners and both my arms and legs are still shaking! Yikes! I'm going to be sore tomorrow!

I have absolutely no doubt that this is classified as HIGH intensity.

Ouch.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

What's different?

If this blog is ever going to help anyone else, a couple of things have to be present. First, I'm going to have to be successful. That's a no brainer. But I think I'm also going to have to articulate why this time was different.

Is it different? I hope so. I'm staying positive, that's the main thing. I'm not making excuses. I'm medicated! I think that's made a big difference.

But I don't know. I always feel hopeful in the beginning. Then again, this is the most weight I've lost in a long time. And I still feel like I'm going strong. I'm trying to follow the advice I've read in several places over the past couple of weeks. Christmas is a holiDAY not a holiWEEK. Cheesy? Yeah...but pretty true nonetheless. Usually by now I'd have already started. I would have had my annual cookie exchange party and then my husband and I would have eaten all the cookies by ourselves before Christmas! I decided not to have the party this year. Sure, it's fun. But would it have been worth it? I don't think so. Do I feel deprived? Not at all.

So, what's different? Is it just because this time I'm truly NOT looking for the magic book, article, recipe or plan? Maybe. Is it because I came to the realization that there is only one thing that will work and that is to eat less, eat right and move more? I really think that's it. That and my vow to never give up.

Never give up.

Plan for today

Today I have to clean out my fridge. I have some leftovers in there that need to be thrown out. I'm also going to plan dinners for the next couple of weeks and make my shopping list. Then, maybe, I'll make some beef barley soup. Mmmm...beef barley. It's cold and snowy and windy here and a nice hot bowl of soup would probably feel pretty good. I really hope I have barley!

I should probably also organize my desk.

Time to get cracking!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

My first gain

And I can live with it. Mainly because I don't even have to change my pounds lost/pounds to go thingy.

Up .2

Now it's a fresh start with a whole new Weight Watchers program. Momentum, they call it. I love it when things are fresh and new and we got some fresh new materials tonight. Not much has changed...but I'm all about a clean slate. And this time, there was only a gain of .2 before the slate was wiped instead of a gain of 35.

I also bought a new workout dvd. Fresh and new.

So. I'm making gains all around, wouldn't you say?

19/81

Hey...self!

You are probably going to have a gain this week. It's okay. It's partly water...you've been drinking a fair amount today and nothing is coming out. Your monthly visitor is here. You've been sick. Please, don't do anything crazy like giving up over one gain. You've worked really hard and have come a long way. If you work at it, it'll be gone by next week. Just breathe.

We shall see...

I really don't know what to expect tonight. If it's good, I'm going to be grateful. If it's not good, I'm not going to freak out.

I haven't exercised at all this week due to the cold. And my eating habits have been about the same...not perfect, not nearly as bad as before.

So. I don't know.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Yuck

I'm sick. And moving into the hurting chest, painful coughing, gross phlegm portion of the show. And I'm supposed to go with Bonsie's class on her very first ever field trip to a farm. I'm not missing that.

That's all for now.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Sometimes it's not as bad as you think

Tracking your food/points is a big part of WW. It's important to track. It helps keep you on the right path. But even when you're not exactly on the right track, journalling your food intake is important. It's important so that you can look back and see where you went wrong so that you can plan and prepare so that it doesn't happen again. So that when you don't see the numbers you want at weigh-in, you know why.

But here's another reason to do it.

Sometimes it's not as bad you think. For the past couple of days I haven't been keeping track of my food. I haven't been keeping track in my journal, that is. I've been keeping track in my head. Now, granted, I've been known to forget eating entire meals...but I don't think I have this time. But I do remember eating jelly beans ( a lot of them ) and gingerbread ( I made gingerbread men from a kit with the girls today...why, oh why, didn't I check the points value of those evil suckers before we made them??) and pizza. It sounds bad, doesn't it? And I'll admit it wasn't great. But I'm only over for the two days by 5 points. I still may want a snack later on (the plan is popcorn) so I'll be using a few more Flex Points. But if you'd have asked me to guess, I would have told you that I was about 20 points into my Flex. And I was feeling the same old feelings of failure. And I wasn't planning on counting. I was planning on throwing caution to the wind and eating even more! But I made a commitment this time to keep at it, no matter what. So, I decided to count. And now that I know it wasn't so bad, that I haven't done any damage, I'm able to stay on track. It's all head games with me. But it is what it is.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. It makes sense to me. But I'm tired and the middle of a stupid cold...so I may not be making tons of sense.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Are you ready for it?

Success stories all seem to have some things in common. The one that gets to me the most is when they say, "I was just ready to do it. You have to be ready and when you're ready the weight will come off."

Pardon? Oh, I'm ready! I've been ready for a long time! I was born ready. Seriously, I used to wonder what the heck that meant. But I get it now. I was equating readiness with wanting. I wanted it. I wanted it bad. I wanted to be thin more than anything. I really thought that I'd be happier if I was thinner. If wanting badly was enough, I'd have been thin a long time ago. Wanting does not equal readiness.

So what does it mean, then, to be ready?

I believe my "turning point" came one day when I was out for a walk on my lunch break. I blogged about it, actually. I didn't go into a lot of detail in my post, but the thing I remember the most about that walk is the realization that there is no magic pill. Nobody is going to do this for me. I can buy every diet book, magazine and pill there is and none of it will work because the only that works is, well, work. I came to the conclusion that I needed to eat less and move more. And that it was going to suck. It wasn't going to be fun. And it would come off so slowly and I would get so frustrated.

But at the same time, I felt optimistic. Because for the first time in a long time, I thought I just might be able to do it. For the first time in a long time, I had hope.

Now I'm not saying this is what ready means for everyone. I can (and did!) list many other reasons why I'm motivated to lose weight and possibly it's the combination of all of those things that keeps me going. I don't know. I don't have the answer. And I have a long way to go, yet. I'm sure I'll stumble. But it feels right this time.

I do know one thing that all of the people who have successfully lost weight have in common, though. They never gave up.

Never give up.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Yesterday's Pity Party

So, I usually don't like to get all, "Wah wah, my childhood sucked, poor me." But it was late, I was tired and sick and I guess my defenses were down. The fact is, my childhood was mostly okay. There were a couple of years when it super-sucked!! And those years have caused me issues I'm sure I'm not even aware of, but I'm okay. I'm a reasonably intelligent, well-liked, mostly happy kind of person. So...yeah. We won't go there again for awhile!

Down 1.6

That's a total at WW of 13, overall total of 19. :-)

19/81

From work

I don’t have high hopes for tomorrow’s WI. I know, I say that every week! I mean it every week, too. But this week for sure, I’m not expecting anything. I had the food frenzy days right in the middle of the week (the WW week, that is…), I’ve only worked out twice this week and I’m sick. I don’t really know what being sick has to do with it. I just know it makes me feel crappy and fat! I suppose if I work out tomorrow that’ll be three days this week, which is not horrible. It’s not the five days of exercise that I had planned but it’s more than I used to get.

Am I really going to feel like working out tomorrow, though? I’ll likely still be sick. And I’m coming off an evening shift. Conditions are not exactly conducive to an early workout. We’ll see. I’d love to use the fact that I’m sick as an excuse to let it slide but I’ve heard that exercise can actually boost immunity, even in the short term. In fact, I just read this on about.com “During moderate exercise immune cells circulate through the body more quickly, and are better able to kill bacteria and viruses.” The benefits of exercise on the immune system increase when exercise is regular over a long period of time. So…want the cold to hurry up and go away? Do some moderate exercise.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Tonight...

went well. It's going on 2 a.m. and I'm heading to bed. Well within points for today, I might add. Tomorrow is the real test. Bonsie has school so there's no sleeping in for me! I'll be up in five and a half hours. I'll just have to keep busy and try to get Berio to nap in the afternoon (so I can steal a couple of zzzzz).

Yawn!!!

Monday, December 1, 2008

It all started with a hot chocolate

I am so cranky! My poor girls are well aware, too. Although I do try to keep it in check.

Anyway...I was trying to remember what triggered my downward spiral into old habits and I have to say, I think it was the hot chocolate!

Tim Horton's has a special candy cane hot chocolate on during the holidays. I'm not really a hot chocolate person, but it sounded so festive! I was going out shopping on Saturday and I thought I might indulge while I was out by myself. Then I figured out the points. SIX! Six points for some hot chocolate. No way was I going to do that! Not worth it by a long shot.

So, I'm driving to the mall and I'm thinking about what I'd already eaten that day. I'd had WW pancakes for breakfast and a salad for lunch. I was doing really well on points and figured I'd go ahead and treat myself. Even using 6 points, I should have had plenty of points left for dinner. And if not, well, that's what those Flex points are for...right?

But here's something I forget again and again. Sugar makes me crave. It makes me crave more sugar in any form. Chocolate, candy, pasta, bread...you name it. And I lose control. And that's exactly what happened.

And here's the kicker. The candy cane hot chocolate? Not that hot...not six points hot, anyway. It was in a SMALL cup (8 oz, I think) and I guess they'd put whipped cream on it but it dissolved by the time it got to me and so all that was left was empty space in my cup! I'll bet I actually only had about 6 oz of hot chocolate. At one point per oz! Actually, I'm pretty sure it was 6 points for the medium...but when I got home and checked it was still 5 points for the small. Ridiculous!

Something to note for next time.

I need a plan today.

The past couple of days have not been great. I haven't exercised and I bet (if I counted!!) that I've eaten enough points to last me until weigh in. I don't even think I'm exaggerating. I'm not here to whine about that, though! I'm here because I need a plan for today. If I try to wing it I'm more likely to give in to cravings...which I will definitely have after the couple of days that I've had.

So, here's the plan.

The first thing I'm going to do is fill up my water bottle.

And heres the menu:
Breakfast: Oatmeal sounds good for today. I like the steel cut kind.
Snack: 1 apple with tbsp peanut butter.
Lunch: Spinach and mushroom salad with grilled chicken. (I keep some chicken, already grilled, in the freezer)
Snack: Fruit of some kind.
Dinner: Not 100% sure about this yet. Dh printed a WW recipe and I'm not sure if that was for today or not. It's a 10 pt recipe. So it's either that or chicken and dumplings (also a WW recipe).
Snack: I'm working tonight so I MUST have a snack before I leave work. I'm thinking popcorn. And a yogurt just before I come home at 1:00.

I'm also going to do 2 of the 20 minute workouts from the new WW dvd.

Okay. So that's it. That will get me back in the right frame of mind. By the end of today, I'll be ready for some smooth sailing. Here we go!



P.S. I went grocery shopping the other day and I grabbed three 5 lb bags of carrots to see how heavy it was. It was heavy! I've lost 2 lbs more than that! Yay me!