Thursday, November 13, 2008

Some thoughts on being fat

I'm embarrassed to tell people that I'm trying to lose weight. I know I need to lose weight. They know I need to lose weight. What's the big deal about telling people I'm trying? I think it's because there might be someone out there that isn't aware of the fact that I'm more than a hundred pounds overweight and if I mention that I'm on a diet they might suddenly realize that I'm fat! What's that expression about the elephant in the room? Hardy har har.

The same goes for exercise. I don't like to talk about the exercise that I do. Same reason, I think...or maybe I think people are judging me. "Yeah...okay there Lisa, it really looks like you've been spending a lot of time on that treadmill of yours" as they inwardly roll their eyes at me.

This is such an issue for me that I don't even like bringing salads to work because I think that people are thinking I'm some kind of fake.

The thing is, in every other area of my life, I really am that person that just doesn't care what people think. Don't like my clothes? Don't look. Don't like my hair? Good thing it's not yours. Don't like the way I parent my girls? I don't like the way you parent with it.

I had an ex-boyfriend that I was with for 7.5 years. He never knew how much I weighed (um..but it was 70 - 80 lbs less than I am now) and he once said to me, "I know the size of your body and I like it. Do you think I'm suddenly going to stop loving you if I know the actual number?" As a matter of fact, that IS what I thought. Strange.

My husband knows how much I weigh. How else could I share every last gain or loss of every last ounce with him? I'm quite sure he appreciates it. ;-) And he loves me very much.

Another thing...I mentioned this to my husband in an email the other day. I have two daughters, ages 2.5 and 4.5 (he knows that part). Before I got pregnant with Bones, I weighed around 35 lbs less than I do now. During the past five years, including pregnancies, I gained and lost that 35 lbs a couple of times. Then after Berio was born, I had a particularly difficult time with PPD and increased meds and such, and the 35 lbs came back for the last time. And it stayed. Until now. But now, even though I've lost 13 lbs altogether, and I think that's great, for some reason I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything. I feel like I'm not even getting started until I get back to where I was pre-babies. It's tricky because it's difficult to maintain motivation when you feel like you don't even get to start the journey for another 22 lbs.! I'm working on changing my thinking there but it's hard.

Weird huh?


Fat Jeans said...

I can totally relate to what you are saying. I haven't told many people that I'm trying to lose weight. I think the reason for me is I don't want them to see me as a failure if I don't succeed. And my husband does not know what I weigh. I even made him cover his ears when I had to tell the nurse the number when I was in labor.

Aimee said...

Not weird! I totally understand this! I am always afraid when I am at the gym that the "gym rats" will think "oh there is another chubby girl...I wonder how long she'll last here".

But the good news is that we are all in this, blogging about it together!

Jessica said...

I feel the exact same way you just described. I feel embarrassed eating healthy foods in front of others because I think they are saying the same things. I actually feel so self conscious walking down our street with my boys because I hear people saying (in my head) "yeah that won't do her any good". What a beast!