Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Weigh in

Unexplainably down 3.2 at WW tonight.

And I think I pulled a muscle in my stomach doing Wii Boxing. I feel kind of pathetic even typing that. :-)

It's 10:20 and I just sat down. And now I have to go and figure out the points for the lasagna that I just made.

17/83

Monday, November 24, 2008

Give me strength

A message board that I frequent has a thread going on about plane fares and how obese people should pay for two seats. My view on the issue isn't important. What's important is that threads like these always bring out the "Quite your whining and just stop eating so much and get off your fat ass" crowd.

I hate that.

Until you've fought this fight you have no idea how hard it is. You have no idea how much more there is to it than just not eating. You have no idea.



EDIT - I think I was the only one getting worked up. It's a dead thread now.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Can I do it?

My mini goal is to make it to 10 lbs this week at WW. That means I'd like to lose 1.8 lbs this week. Totally doable, right? Here's the thing, I've been tracking everything I've been eating and I'm over a bit so far this week. I've used all my FPs. I'm having a hard time drinking my water, getting in my fruits and veggies and making time to exercise. I start the day eating carbs (toast or cereal) without including a fruit in there. My snacks tend to be crackers, cereal bars or WW 1 or 2 point bars instead of raw veggies and fruit (or even lean protein).

I believe this is setting me up to fail. I'm a carb junkie and I would eat nothing but carbs if I had my way. I have to change that. Eating a diet that consists mostly of carbs (even the good ones!) is not a healthy balanced diet. It doesn't provide all of the nutrients that I need to remain healthy. I need to be healthy.

I'll admit, I'm partially doing this for the sake of vanity. I mean, let's face it, who doesn't want to look good? But the fact is, if it were just about looking good...if that were enough...I'd have done this a long time ago. Looking good isn't enough of a motivator for me.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm in a fight for my life here. I really believe that. Obesity increases the risk of heart disease, stroke, diabetes, cancer, liver disease, gallbladder disease, breathing problems, arthritis and on and on and on. And the more overweight you are, the more likely you are to experience one or more of the above. I'm only 37 and I'm already seeing the ill effects of being fat. At the rate I'm going, I may not make it to see my girls graduate from high school, get married or have babies of their own. I'll pass my deathly dangerous habits on to them and they will also die early deaths. This is practically guaranteed if I don't do something about the state of my health.

So. Can I do this? You bet I can. I have to.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Struggling

Someday, will this whole eating right and exercising bit come naturally to me? I hope so. I get so tired of having to fight all the time.

Sigh.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Numbers games

I'm down .8 this week for a total at WW of 8.2. My mini goal for next week is to make it to 10 WW lbs. (for a total of 16).

If I make that goal, I'll only be .8 away from dropping a WW point (for anyone reading this that isn't familiar with WW, that means that I will have dropped into the next lowest ten - e.g. from the 190s to the 180s...I wish!).

According to my own bathroom scale, I'm already there. According to my own bathroom scale the total amount of weight that I've lost so far is already 17 lbs. Obviously, I like that number the best ;-) However, I'm trying not to weigh myself at home because if I fall into that trap...well, let's just say these numbers games that I play with myself have the potential to ruin all of my hard work.

So. Here's what I'm going to do. I know what my highest ever weight is. And I know what WW says I weigh now. And those are the numbers I'll be using. My bathroom scale will catch up soon enough :-)

Numbers games. See what I mean?

14/86

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Blogger slacker

Yeah, I know I've been neglecting my blog for the past few days. But really, there's not a lot going on right now! I'm doing fine on WW. Neither perfect nor blowing it, so there's nothing terribly blog worthy there...

WI is tomorrow evening and I really don't know what to expect. Like I said I haven't been perfect but I've been a million times better than my pre-WW self. I don't know. We'll see. I feel pretty good though, all numbers aside. I do have more energy. My skin looks better, too. Must be all that water :-)

I'm also going to have to start mentally preparing myself. I'm going to get to a point where I look great in clothes...but I may never look good naked. At least not without some kind of surgery. I got tons of stretch marks when I was pregnant and I just know that I'm going to have a lot of loose skin. I think I'm just genetically wired that way. But let's face it, I don't look that great naked now, so I might as well be healthy. Right? Oh, how I wish I hadn't have done this to myself. Oh well...can't change the past.

On with the day!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Just so you know

Yesterday went well. Really well. I struggled all stinkin' day long but I didn't give in and ended up within points and with 40 minutes on the treadmill for the day.

Oh yeah.

Friday, November 14, 2008

What the hell??

Everything was going fine yesterday. Really, it was. I was rushed by the time I was getting ready for work and so I didn't have time to make my dinner. No big deal. I grabbed some fruit and a cereal bar to have for snacks and figured I'd just grab something healthy for dinner from Wendy's or Subway or something. I love chili and a baked potato from Wendy's and it's SO filling. And you really can't go wrong with a sub loaded with veggies. That was the plan.

I got to work and I was fine.

Then my boss' assistant (AA) asked me to help him with something that is 100% his job. I'd helped him before, you see. I was noncommittal - I didn't say I wouldn't do it...didn't say I would but after the office cleared out and there was just my partner and myself left, I started to think about it and I realized that AA was seriously taking advantage of the fact that I'd done something nice for him in the past. If I helped him again now, would he keep asking? He actually asked me on Friday, if I had time on the weekend to do it. And then 3 out of the past 4 evenings, he's reminded me at shift change that this task was still waiting for me. I like AA, I do. And I like to help others, really. But this rubbed me the wrong way.

I had a couple of donut holes.

I called my husband to chat and suddenly, I realized that I was close to tears. He wasn't saying anything upsetting. But, you know how, when you're upset and trying to hold back the tears and someone gives you a hug and the flood gates open and you simply can't stop yourself from crying? It was like that. I didn't tell him what was bothering me on the phone.

I ate a donut.

I decided to email my husband about what happened. His reply didn't really address my problem. I completely understood why. Bones has had diarrhea for a couple of weeks (no other symptoms) and he was talking about that. But that didn't help me at that moment.

I started to plan what I was going to have for dinner. At first, I was looking in my WW Restaurant Guide, checking the points of everything. But my mood was dropping by degrees. And quickly.

I ordered Chinese food.

When I went out to pick up my food, there was a war going on inside my head. A voice was yelling, "STOP! You're never going to get anywhere if you keep doing the same things over and over!" "Why can't you just stick to something for once?" "Why do you even try?"

I stopped and picked up some chips and a chocolate bar.

I'd love to tell you that I came to my senses and cancelled my food order and didn't eat the junk food. I'd love to tell you that, but I can't.

The battle is on again today. It started first thing this morning. So far I'm winning. But I don't for how much longer. I'm so tired of this. So tired, period.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Oh yeah!

I almost forgot. I was down 1.6 at WI yesterday.

13/87

Some thoughts on being fat

I'm embarrassed to tell people that I'm trying to lose weight. I know I need to lose weight. They know I need to lose weight. What's the big deal about telling people I'm trying? I think it's because there might be someone out there that isn't aware of the fact that I'm more than a hundred pounds overweight and if I mention that I'm on a diet they might suddenly realize that I'm fat! What's that expression about the elephant in the room? Hardy har har.

The same goes for exercise. I don't like to talk about the exercise that I do. Same reason, I think...or maybe I think people are judging me. "Yeah...okay there Lisa, it really looks like you've been spending a lot of time on that treadmill of yours" as they inwardly roll their eyes at me.

This is such an issue for me that I don't even like bringing salads to work because I think that people are thinking I'm some kind of fake.

The thing is, in every other area of my life, I really am that person that just doesn't care what people think. Don't like my clothes? Don't look. Don't like my hair? Good thing it's not yours. Don't like the way I parent my girls? I don't like the way you parent either...deal with it.

I had an ex-boyfriend that I was with for 7.5 years. He never knew how much I weighed (um..but it was 70 - 80 lbs less than I am now) and he once said to me, "I know the size of your body and I like it. Do you think I'm suddenly going to stop loving you if I know the actual number?" As a matter of fact, that IS what I thought. Strange.

My husband knows how much I weigh. How else could I share every last gain or loss of every last ounce with him? I'm quite sure he appreciates it. ;-) And he loves me very much.

Another thing...I mentioned this to my husband in an email the other day. I have two daughters, ages 2.5 and 4.5 (he knows that part). Before I got pregnant with Bones, I weighed around 35 lbs less than I do now. During the past five years, including pregnancies, I gained and lost that 35 lbs a couple of times. Then after Berio was born, I had a particularly difficult time with PPD and increased meds and such, and the 35 lbs came back for the last time. And it stayed. Until now. But now, even though I've lost 13 lbs altogether, and I think that's great, for some reason I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything. I feel like I'm not even getting started until I get back to where I was pre-babies. It's tricky because it's difficult to maintain motivation when you feel like you don't even get to start the journey for another 22 lbs.! I'm working on changing my thinking there but it's hard.

Weird huh?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

My dream job

I'm not sure, but I think I'd really enjoy being a nutritionist or a personal trainer or something. Although, if I had a lot of clients that were like me - someone who didn't listen and didn't listen and didn't listen and just didn't get it for 20 years - I might lose it!!! But, the ones where it just clicked and they got it...that would make it all worthwhile, right?

What would you do if you could anything in the world?

Note to self

I have more energy for those crappy evening shifts if I eat right and exercise.

Also, tonight is weigh in. It hasn't even been a full week since I weighed in last time, I just started AF and I'll be weighing in in the evening instead of the morning. All of these things have the potential to cause the scale to either not move or move in the wrong direction but I've been doing everything right...so if that happens REMEMBER!! It's only temporary!!! DO NOT PANIC!!!

Do. Not. Panic.


P.S. Do this, or you could literally die. Think about that for a minute.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Weight Watchers Workout

So when I joined WW 4 weeks ago, I bought the deluxe member kit that comes with some books, a 3 month tracker, some coupons and a dvd. The DVD is called "Start Getting Healthy" and it has three sections. Eat Well, Move Smart and Work Out. I haven't watched the first two sections yet, but I decided to do the workout today. It's a 30 minute, medium intensity workout (although if you added extra hand weights and made bigger movements it could easily be more of a med/high workout) and since I just had to follow along there was not a lot of thinking involved! That's a good thing when I'm coming off evening shift.

I liked it. It was 3 circuit workouts, meaning that you start off with one movement and then add others to it and by the end of the circuit you're doing sort of a short routine. It almost feels like dancing, in a way. I guess they're about 10 minutes each plus a short warm up and cool down.

I calculated my APs and it was right on the line between two and three. I think I'm supposed to count it as two when that happens but as a reward to myself for 1) working out, 2) working out with the girls (literally at some points) hanging off my legs and 3)working out two days in a row, I'm going to count it as three.

I'm a rebel like that. ;-)

2:24

This is probably what does me in the most. I'm heading to bed now and I'll likely have to be up in 6 hours (if I'm lucky). And if I'm really lucky, Berio won't wake up and start singing for an hour at 3 in the morning...

Not enough sleep sucks ass.

Monday, November 10, 2008

NSV!

One of the reasons I struggle so badly on evening shifts is because my day is so full that it's hard to find the time to exercise. On day shifts, I can go and walk on my treadmill or play Wii Fit after Berio is in bed. Hubs will watch a movie with Bones or something until it's time for her to go to bed and if I'm not done working out, will put her to bed. It's not hard to find time.

When I'm working evenings, from the time I get up until the time I go to work, I'm with the girls. I can't go downstairs to the treadmill and/or Wii because the girls are 2 and 4 and I can't just tell them to look after themselves! I can't take them with me...the downstairs is not exactly kid proof. Bones would be fine, but Berio? Well, let's just say my workout would consist of chasing her around! It's too cold to bike. I could bundle everyone up and take them for a walk, but they don't like riding in the stroller for any length of time these days. And letting them walk means I'd have to walk for hours for it to do much good. It's hard. And I don't like things that are hard.

So, today...I had all of these same challenges and yet I managed to get in a 20 minute lower body/ab workout! Yay! That's 2 APs today :-)

What did I do? Well, my computer is in the living room. So I logged onto Youtube and searched for Sparkpeople workouts. They have quite a few on there. I did two lower body ones and one ab one. Bones joined me for part of one and then the girls went to jump on Berio's bed (it's still just a mattress on the floor - it's practically not even dangerous!) while I finished. Ta Daaaa!

Now I just need to figure out how to nap with both of them here ;-)

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Evenings

I've got four evening shifts coming up starting tomorrow. I hate these shifts! I'm always tired and cranky and I don't eat right. Yuck.

One day at a time. Plan. Plan. Plan. It'll be okay.

P.S. So, uh, I'm working on the second tenth of my 100 pounds...Cool, huh?

Friday, November 7, 2008

Well, what do you know?

So, I decided to get on the scale today. Face the music. Be accountable. All that jazz. I talked it over with my husband and I told him that I was afraid to get on the scale because when I saw that I had gained weight, it would throw me into a tailspin (mainly because I'm already emotional due to PMS) and it wouldn't help anything. And he suggested that I probably needed to learn some new coping skills and it might be a good idea to get weighed and see if I could start to figure it out. I agreed. I made sure that I was wearing my lightest clothing (my weigh-in clothes!) and off I went. I stepped on the scale and waited.

"You're down 2.8." the receptionist said.

WHAT???? Down 2.8? Are you serious? Alright...I'll take it. But I assure you, after the few days I've had, I don't deserve it. I have some theories. Last week I was only down .8 and I think maybe I was retaining water. So some of this is actually weight that I lost the previous week. And, this is going to catch up with me next week! Especially since I weighed in late this week and my regular meeting is on Wednesday. That's only 5 days. But, I'm hoping I'll be more emotionally equipped to deal with any less than stellar results then!

So. I'm more than one tenth of the way there. Imagine that.

12/88

Two things

1. Thank heavens for the free pass. I will be using it today.

2. AF (Aunt Flo, my read haired aunt, T.O.M, whatever you want to call it) better get here soon or I'm gonna freakin' LOSE IT!!!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Conversations with a four year old

Bones came into the kitchen yesterday while I was making supper.

Bones: Mom, can I have a cookie?
Mom: No sweetie, supper is in 15 minutes.
B: Pleeeeeeeze!
M: I said no.
B: How about an apple...can I have an apple?
M: Dinner is in 15 minutes. You can wait.
B: (Making the crying face) Just ONE apple?
M: Sigh! No. You can wait until supper. I don't want you to spoil your appetite.
B: What's an appetite?
M: It's when you feel like eating. If I give you an apple now, you won't feel like eating your supper.
B: Yes, I will!!!
M: No. Wait 15 minutes and then you can eat as much supper as you want, okay?
B: Listen, Mom. I'm going to go pee and while I'm gone you get an apple and cut it up. I'll eat it when I come back and then I'll run around and use it up and then at supper time I'll still have an appetite!
M: I'm not going to talk about this any more! Go pee if you have to go.
B: Do it, Mom!
M: No...go pee.
B: YES...DO IT!!
M: No!

And this carried on for a few minutes until 15 minutes had actually gone by and supper was ready.

You want to know something? My relationship with food is so messed up, that I don't even know if I was being reasonable or not. I know the "experts" say that you should let your children decide when they're hungry and let them eat what they want (provided it's something nutritious) and believe me, this is what's going through my head when I'm telling Bonsie that she can't eat. And I'm feeling this weird irrational guilt for making the poor child go for 15 minutes without food. But I just want her to eat her supper!! Is that so bad?

I'm terrified of passing my food crazy on to her and Berio. I don't want them to grow up and have to fight this stupid battle! I want their bodies to be healthy and fit and their minds and hearts to be free and happy. We haven't banned any food from their plates. They get treats (sometimes too many, if my husband has anything to say about it!) but they also love their fruits and veggies. They're probably not as active as they should be...simply because I'm not as active as I should be - but I'm working on that. I don't know.

I just hope I don't mess them up too badly! :-)

Sunday, November 2, 2008

p.s.

Do you have any idea how much I'm going to have to exercise when I really start to lose weight so that I can continue to eat as much as I do now? How can a person even live off of 18 - 20 points per day???

This is where someone tells me we'll cross that bridge when we get there....anyone??

Working on it

I was on my way home from work today and I was thinking about something I learned when I was seeing a therapist (one of the many things I've tried in my struggle to lose weight). I was thinking about how when the going gets tough, Lisa gets going...and not in a good way! What I mean is, I don't like to do things that I'm not already good at because, as cliche as it sounds, I'm afraid of failure. I get out of doing things that I'm not naturally good at by procrastinating and avoiding. If it's too hard, I give up. I start finding excuses to get out of doing whatever it is that I'm trying to avoid. Or, as you can see from this blog, when things start to go bad I don't come around. I avoid.

Weight loss is my biggest challenge to date. And it's HAAAAARD!! And when I start to slip, instead of increasing my efforts I just give up. I stop blogging, stop tracking my food, stop trying. I make excuses.

I'm not a natural when it comes to weight loss and when I get to my goal, I won't be a natural at keeping it off. That's just the way it is. I'm going to have work at this. I'm going to have to work hard at this. And when I start to slip - and I will - I have to remind myself that I don't have to be perfect at this. A slip up is not a failure, the only failure is giving up. And I will not give up.

Never. Give. Up.