Friday, October 31, 2008

Well, that was ugly

Yesterday was a bad food day. I couldn't even tell you how many points I had because I didn't count. But, I was in a rush in the morning so I had a couple of sweet and salty granola bars for breakfast...3 points each. Then I had a 1 point WW chocolate bar. Then on the way home from Bones' Halloween party I ate a few of her mini chocolate bars - 2 points each. And this is where it gets scary! I was feeling so tired and not in a I-didn't-get-enough-sleep-last-night kind of way. It was more of a my-whole-entire-body-feels-like-lead thing. I've had this feeling before. It's the feeling I get when I've eaten crap all day and I'm depressed (what comes first the binge or the depression?) All I want to do is crawl into my bed and sleep.

In an effort to stop the madness, I reheated some chicken and whole wheat pasta that we'd had for dinner the day before and ate that just before lunch. But for some reason, when it was time to pick Bones up at lunch time, I decided to drive to get her and then take the girls to McDonald's. And I was planning on getting myself some LARGE combo since I already felt like crap. We were in the drive thru when I came to my senses and I ordered a kid's meal for the girls to share with an extra order of nuggets (also for them to share since they couldn't decide between a cheeseburger and nuggets) and for myself...a coffee. I still felt like crap, though. We got home and I ended up eating part of their lunch. I wasn't doing it mindfully. I was back in out of control mode.

In the afternoon I ate more mini chocolate bars. I probably ate ten or so. And wouldn't you know it, there were four kinds in the box, and I only ate the ones that were 2 points instead of the ones that were 1 point!

We were making pita pizzas for dinner but we were out of olives so I said I'd go to the store. And of course, I battled the urge to get food to eat in my van...a quick burger, an order of the delicious (deep fried) spring rolls from the restaurant in the mini-mall that I was at or something from the grocery store bakery. I did none of that. I did buy a small bag of chips and ate most of those. I came home and had a couple of pita pizzas and finally at around 11:00 pm I had a skinny cow chocolate popsicle thing.

I think that about covers it.

I'm not sure what that was all about. I think I'm back in control today. I hope so. We'll see.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

.8 down

I was feeling down because it wasn't enough but I gave myself a stern talking to on the way home (literally...I hope people in the other vehicles didn't notice!) . I've lost three pounds in the two weeks that I've been in WW and I've lost 9 pounds in total. That's almost 10 pounds! That's only 1 pound away from being one tenth of the way to my goal! That's GREAT!!!

And if I keep saying it, maybe my incredibly stubborn brain will start to believe it!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Apprehensive

I'm worried about tonight's weigh in. I was within points every day this week except for the baby shower day. I didn't even count that day :o And I know that might not even make a difference (this week!) but I still feel heavy today. And I'm sure that even if I didn't lose this week, I'll probably lose next week as long as I keep at it but I'm scared. Scared that if I don't see results I'll quit. And only two weeks in...that'll be such a blow to my self-esteem. Because even worse than not losing weight is failing at yet another try at this weight loss thing...

I wish I knew how to fix my stupid head.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Yikes!

I'm hosting a baby shower tomorrow. There are going to be some yummy high point foods there. I'm trying the Olive Cheese Bread recipe from the Pioneer Woman. That alone is dangerous :D

The plan is to have a good helping of the fresh veggies that will be here and then to use good judgement for the rest. I'll let you know how it goes!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

So far, so good

I have one evening shift left and so far, I've done pretty good. I lost control a couple of times after work, but didn't do any damage. I used some of my weekly points allowance and am still well within my limits.

And my uniform is definitely fitting better :D

Friday, October 24, 2008

A test

I've said it before and I'll say it again...the evening shift (4 p.m. to 1 a.m.) kicks my butt! We ended up working a little late last night so by the time I actually left work it was after 1:30. I live close to work so I was home by 1:50ish but it wasn't until 2:40 that I went to bed. Then...do you think I could sleep??? If you said no, you're right! I refused to look at the clock but I'm sure I was awake (or half awake) for at least an hour after that. And then up for the day at about 7:40. I'm so tired I can barely think. I'm not even exaggerating.

So, the test. Normally when I'm this tired all of my resistance is down. I have no energy or desire to plan and prepare healthy food. Normally, I binge on days like this. And the binge makes me feel even more tired and sluggish. And guilty and like a failure. But not today. Today, I recognize that I'm tired and that this is a dangerous place for me to be, diet-wise. Today, I'm going to make extra certain to take my meds, drink my water and journal every bite. I'm going to plan my meals and snacks right now and I'm going to prepare as much of them as I can right now. And this afternoon, if I can, I'm going to try and sneak in a power nap (contingent on the cooperation of my 2 and a half year old!) to help me get through the day.

I'd love to say that I'll make it an early night, but sadly, I'm working this evening too. I'll get in a good nap tomorrow, hopefully!

*YAWN!!*

My uniform...

Is feeling a little less snug today. Still tighter than I'd like, but less than before. All in my head? Perhaps. But if so, it's about time my head played tricks in my favour! ;-)

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

2.2 pounds

That's how much I lost my first week back at WW. That puts me at 8 down, 92 to go altogether.

I have to say, I was expecting a much bigger loss. Usually that's the case on your first weigh in, no? But I'm going to take it. I'll tell you why...before I would have dwelled on the fact that it was "just" two pounds. I would have gotten frustrated with the fact that I had worked so hard, and for what? A measly two pounds! I would have stopped at the nearest fast food burger joint on the way home and would have tried my damnedest to undo what I had accomplished. I wouldn't have let myself celebrate the victory of losing those two pounds.

But guess what? That was me two pounds ago. The new me, the lighter me, realizes that every victory - whether it has to do with the scale or not - is a reason to celebrate! This two-pound-lighter version of me is not listening to that ridiculous negative voice in my head.

Instead, I'm feeling pretty stoked by the fact that I'm down two pounds! I'm thrilled by the fact that my WW leader is great! I love her...today she said, "When things aren't going your way, you can be miserable or you can be motivated!" That right there is WW gold, people. Gold. I'm loving that I haven't felt like I was starving at any point this week because I'm filling myself up with fresh fruits and vegetables and because I'm drinking my water. This is doable.

My biggest hurdle is my head. And knowing that is the biggest part of this battle.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Mmmmmm......

Pear slices with a vanilla yogurt "dip" = goooooooood snack!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Can I just say...

I'm not a fan of not being able to eat whatever the hell I want? Or rather, as much as I want...I eat too much junk, for sure. But I could live without it. My biggest problem is that I eat too much of everything else. I don't have a couple of pancakes for breakfast, I have four loaded with lots of butter and syrup. I don't have a salad for lunch, I have the big taco salad from Wendy's with taco chips, sour cream and cheese. For dinner, I make nutritious, healthy food and then I eat way too much. And then I eat it again in the evening. Just too much.

I know all the health rules. I know that eating five or six small meals per day is better than one big eat-fest from dinner until bedtime. I know what the so-called super foods are and why. I know that a balanced diet that's not too high in fat (but that includes the healthy fats found in nuts, avocado and fish) and contains adequate amounts of carbohydrates (the good whole grain stuff) and protein (lean cuts...and don't forget about the beans!) is the way to go. And I've changed a lot of things in my own kitchen. I do buy only lean ground beef and chicken. I buy whole wheat pasta, brown rice and multigrain bread. I make my own jam and sweeten it with honey. I buy peanuts only peanut butter. I try to limit foods with HFCS and buy trans fat free foods whenever I can.

I know the rules.

What I have a problem with is portion control. Even when I'm satisfied - no, make that FULL - I eat and eat. That's why I chose WW. With WW I can eat whatever I want. I'm not restricted in any way except for in the amount that I eat. And that's the part I need help with. It's only been a few days and already I'm struggling. I don't know. I expect perfection. I expect it to be easy. Logically I know that I'm not perfect and that two steps forward and one step back is still movement in the right direction but for some reason I still beat myself up when I "fail".

I'm not really done right now...but I can't concentrate. Berio is throwing a fit because it's bedtime and she's overtired.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Today's the day

My first WW meeting is today. I'm kind of excited. My husband is being so supportive and is sure that this is going to be it! I'm not so sure, but like I said before, I'm going to keep trying until I get it right.

It's like quitting smoking. I used to smoke. I started when I was around 17. At one time, I was smoking more than a pack a day! And I tried quitting many, many times. When I got pregnant with Bones, I quit but when she was born I started again. Not as much as before, but I was more than a casual smoker. Then I got pregnant with Berio. And, of course, I quit again. And when she was born I tried to take up smoking again, once...but it almost made me throw up! And when I even think of smoking too much, it makes me want to throw up! Yay!!! I just didn't quit quitting. That's what I'm going to do about this weight.

Never give up.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Waiting...

As you may have guessed by my previous post, I joined Weight Watchers. I don't know if this is the answer or not, but what I do know is that I can never give up. I need to try and try and try again until it clicks. And it will. In the meantime, I can only focus on my head and making sure that I realize that change takes time. And that there is no failure here only victories that are not always immediately apparent. I am moving forward.

However, I registered online and my first WW meeting isn't until tomorrow evening. I am not a patient person. But now, I wait.

Who knows, practicing patience might be a good thing.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Success Story

I've been having a difficult time lately. My life is not turning out as I thought it would. But as an exercise in positive thinking, I'm going to write my success story (a short version).

Cue wavy blur and dream sequence music.

Hi. My name is Lisa. I joined Weight Watchers for the last time in October 2008. It was Thanksgiving weekend, actually. I was at my all time highest weight, my relationship with my husband was strained, I didn't have the energy to look after my house or play with my kids. My work was suffering too. I was miserable. I felt that joining anything would be a waste of time and money but at the same time I knew I needed help. So, at the urging of my husband, I decided to keep trying and I joined WW. The difference this time was that I knew that it wasn't going to be smooth sailing all the time. The difference this time was that I knew that my very life was at stake. The difference this time was that I decided that no matter what I would never give up. Never. Give. Up.

I lost the first 20 pounds pretty quickly but then my weight loss evened out to a pretty steady two pounds per week. By the time my high school reunion came around late the following summer, I'd lost 80 pounds. I went to my reunion feeling beautiful and confident.

I noticed that people (both coworkers and the public) started taking me more seriously at work, too. I was offered my dream job that fall. It meant more money and more flexible hours. I love being able to tailor my schedule to make more time for my family and myself.

Most importantly, my relationship with my husband has never been better. We've reclaimed our energy and our zest for life. Our favourite thing to do these days is to relax in the hot tub with a glass of wine after a long day of playing outside with our girls.

I want to tell everyone that if I can do it, you can do it. I know the desperation that comes after years of trying and failing but the truth is you will succeed if you simply never give up.

Peace.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Still here...

But I'm in training this week for work. So no time for updates!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

3 days in a row

Yesterday I walked for 35 minutes on my dinner break at work.

Today, I did my lower body/ab workout.

I ate like crap, but meh! I'm so tired today (worked evenings and Bonsie had school this morning...) and I ALWAYS make bad choices when I'm this tired.

Saw my doctor today. He said the stomach cramps I've been having (that have been tapering off, actually) are likely the result of stopping Celexa. I'm to monitor the symptoms for awhile. He also explained that the sudden soreness in my knees is also probably due to stopping Celexa. It is a drug that is sometimes used for people with fibromyalgia so it does have some pain relief/anti-inflammatory properties (I guess??). Anyhow, I'm fat...so my knees are going to hurt. And now I don't have the Celexa to help with the pain. I'll live. That's just another motivator for me to lose weight.

Time to put Berio to bed!