Tuesday, September 30, 2008


Upper body workout - Check!

I'm so tired! I worked until 1:30, was in bed by 2:30 and then had to get up at 7:30 to get Bones ready for school. Luckily, my husband is coming home at noon and I may be able to get in a nap before I have to go back to work.

My knees are so sore today. I have an appointment with my doctor on Thursday. I'm sure he's just going to tell me that it's not surprising that my knees are sore, given that I'm 100 pounds overweight but I'll tell him anyway. *sigh*

I'm on the phone with my mom right this second...she drains the life out of me. I know she's not well and I try to be compassionate but it's hard. I have mommy issues. I think I may have said that before.

I have to go and make lunch for the girls.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

My heart hurts

Bonsie started school last week. Today is her 4th day. The first few days she enjoyed it. She didn't cry when we dropped her off, she liked her teacher, all was good. Then, today, she tells me she's not going to school. I asked her why and she told me that there was too much sitting around at school. I chuckled and didn't think it was going to be a problem. Then, as we were leaving for the school she started crying. At first she said it was because she didn't get a chance to give her sister a kiss and a hug. I convinced her that she could do that at lunch. Then she reiterated her complaint about the fact that she had to do so much sitting at school. By the time we got to the school yard, she was stopping every few steps and begging me to turn around. She was crying and yelling, "Mommy, PLEASE, let's turn back! I don't want to go there! I don't want to go there!"

I have to tell you it was all I could do not to pick her up, hold her close and turn around right then and there for home.

When I was little there were many times (too many to count) when I didn't feel like I was on solid ground. Times when I didn't feel safe and secure. When I didn't feel like I was my parents' priority. And when I had Bones, I knew right then and there that I would do anything to make sure that she NEVER felt that way. I make sure that she takes it for granted that her world is secure.

In my head, I know that school is what's best for her and that she'll get used to it. In my head, I know that she'll learn and excel there. In my head, I know that they can teach her better than I could.

But in my heart, I feel like I just want to bring her home and keep her here and never let her out of my sight.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Can't sleep

I went to bed at around 11:40 last night. I lay there for about a half an hour before I finally fell asleep. My mind just goes and goes. It won't shut off. And it's not necessarily deep thoughts, either. Last night one of the things I was thinking of was Bonsie's snack.

This morning I woke up at 5:40. I started thinking (oddly enough, about school lunches again) and before I knew it, I'd been awake for 15 minutes. The alarm was going to go off at 6:45 and so I debated for 5 minutes on whether or not it was worth it to try and go back to sleep. I decided not.

The bright side, is that this gives me plenty of time to eat breakfast and make myself some healthy snacks and a lunch (what the heck is it with me and my obsession with snacks and lunches today??) since I'll be at work all day.

P.S. My knees are STILL sore.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

What we have here is a failure to communicate.

Ugh. My husband and I are having communication problems. It makes me sad. It seems like every day we're misunderstanding each other...sniping at each other...arguing with each other. It's frustrating and tiring and scary. We're not the same people we used to be and we're not making time to make sure we get to know the people we've become.

The only thing I know for sure is that we love each other very much. I hope that's enough to help us weather this phase.

And to my husband (he reads this blog sometimes...), at first read this post might not seem weight related but it is. Everything is. I'm not saying anything here that I haven't already said to you. I love you.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Why do I need to be in better shape, again?

We went to my hometown this weekend for my grandmother's burial. We got there Friday afternoon, checked into the hotel and then headed over to Dad's for dinner. Afterwards we all went outside and the kids started playing. Berio was playing hide and seek with her big boy cousins. I was keeping a close eye on her, she is only two after all, but I wasn't within grabbing distance - that would have given away her hiding place. Suddenly, she turned from the yard and bolted for the road. Now, my Dad lives in a small town on a quiet street, but even still when your two year old is running for the road something happens to you. I started running after her (no easy feat for someone of my size) and as I was running towards her I saw cars coming down the street from both sides! I screamed, "STOP!!!!" and kept running after her...she's fast! Luckily, all oncoming traffic saw her and stopped with plenty of room to spare. She was giggling away (GIGGLING!!) until I grabbed her, spun her around and yelled, "Don't you EVER run on the road again! When I tell you to stop, YOU STOP!!" I don't think that would have fazed her much, actually, except for the fact that somewhere in the middle of all this I began to dissolve into a crying mess which scared the crap out of her! Good!

My husband was right behind me and he yelled at her too...by then the poor thing was crying hard - snot and tears and hitched breath, the whole nine yards.

For the rest of the day I replayed that scene in my head over and over, thinking about what could have happened. It makes me want to throw up. If I were lighter and healthier, I would have caught her sooner. I know, I know...nothing happened to her. But still, the FACT is, if I were lighter and healthier, I would have caught her sooner.

My knees are still sore from the beating they took in that short run across the yard.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Sad day for me

My grandmother passed away last night. She was nearing 90 years old. Her death was not unexpected; she was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia several months ago and while she was there the doctors discovered that she had bone cancer.

I'm sorry to say I didn't know her well. In fact, I probably only met her ten or so times in my 37 years. Still, she was my Dad's mother and I'm very sad for him. I also realized that in mourning her passing, I mourn the loss of my last surviving grandparent and, in essence, my last chance to have the kind of relationship with a grandparent that I've only ever heard about. Sadly, the only grandparent I was ever around for any length of time was a child molester. Another story for another day, I guess.

Like I said, I didn't know her well, but here are some things that I do know. She was a caring woman who took in many foster children when she was a young married woman. In fact, she adopted four of them. She was really tiny, probably not even a hundred pounds and for most of her life she smoked like a chimney. I can picture her sitting at the kitchen table with her legs crossed (well, not crossed exactly...she did this weird thing where she wrapped on leg completely around the other) with streams of smoke rising around her. Complaining. Yeah, she was a big complainer. I'm not being disrespectful. I loved the fact that she was cranky! Well, I actually prefer to think of her as spirited. I always said that if I lived to be her age I would be the same way.

I'll miss you, Granny.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Couch to 5K

So, it is even possible for someone as heavy as I am to try this? We'll soon find out!! I have a perfectly good treadmill in my family room, a brand new pair of shoes, and (at this moment) the belief that if I start REALLY slowly, I just might do it.

I'll keep you posted. It's going to be pretty exciting in a watching-paint-dry kind of way!

Sunday, September 7, 2008


What the hell is up with my stomach lately???? Sheesh! Usually it starts cramping up soon after I've eaten, but not every time. And this time, there was no eating involved at all. I just went for a walk on my treadmill and it started about halfway through.

This sucks.