I was in a mood this evening. A foul, foul mood. My poor husband. Nothing he could say or do was right, in my mind. I tried not to show it, but I think he was starting to catch on. He's no dummy, that man of mine. Anyway, the second Berio stopped fussing in her room after I'd put her to bed, I started getting ready to go out. I was planning on dropping some books off at work for our mini-library (it's really just a couple of shelves near the back door where a few of us readers drop off our old books) and then, because I was in a foul, foul mood and wanted something to soothe my heart, I was going to drive thru Dairy Queen and get a Blizzard. I was going to drive to the marina, park my van and eat my Blizzard. I wanted the freezing cold ice cream to numb the pain that I'm in today. I wanted the sugar to drive me into a stupor so that I wouldn't have to think about how miserable I've become. And I have become quite miserable...
So, I dragged myself out the door, got into my van and started driving. First stop was supposed to be the office, but as I got closer I realized that I really wasn't in the mood to see anyone so I decided to scrap that idea. Next stop...Dairy Queen. Only I was still pretty full from dinner. Normally that wouldn't stop me. When you're using food to avoid feelings, more is better, you know. But then an almost imperceptible voice in my head said, "um...you know, lisa...that's going to make you feel so much worse." And from that tiny little voice came an idea. Maybe, instead of a Blizzard, I could get something a little healthier. I could still go to the marina and have my alone time. I could still spend the time wallowing in my own misery. I just didn't need to bury myself in ice cream at the same time. Ice cream never solved anyone's problems...at least not anyone over the age of 8. Maybe, I could soothe my sore heart by treating myself nicely. What a concept.
I ended up getting a non-fat decaf latte. I went to the marina. I watched the sailboats come in. I listened to some music.
I'm still sad. But I'm also a little hopeful. Hopeful that if I nurture that tiny voice she'll come around more often. I like her.
My Thought Chain
6 years ago