Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Grande non-fat decaf latte?

I was in a mood this evening. A foul, foul mood. My poor husband. Nothing he could say or do was right, in my mind. I tried not to show it, but I think he was starting to catch on. He's no dummy, that man of mine. Anyway, the second Berio stopped fussing in her room after I'd put her to bed, I started getting ready to go out. I was planning on dropping some books off at work for our mini-library (it's really just a couple of shelves near the back door where a few of us readers drop off our old books) and then, because I was in a foul, foul mood and wanted something to soothe my heart, I was going to drive thru Dairy Queen and get a Blizzard. I was going to drive to the marina, park my van and eat my Blizzard. I wanted the freezing cold ice cream to numb the pain that I'm in today. I wanted the sugar to drive me into a stupor so that I wouldn't have to think about how miserable I've become. And I have become quite miserable...

So, I dragged myself out the door, got into my van and started driving. First stop was supposed to be the office, but as I got closer I realized that I really wasn't in the mood to see anyone so I decided to scrap that idea. Next stop...Dairy Queen. Only I was still pretty full from dinner. Normally that wouldn't stop me. When you're using food to avoid feelings, more is better, you know. But then an almost imperceptible voice in my head said, "um...you know, lisa...that's going to make you feel so much worse." And from that tiny little voice came an idea. Maybe, instead of a Blizzard, I could get something a little healthier. I could still go to the marina and have my alone time. I could still spend the time wallowing in my own misery. I just didn't need to bury myself in ice cream at the same time. Ice cream never solved anyone's problems...at least not anyone over the age of 8. Maybe, I could soothe my sore heart by treating myself nicely. What a concept.

I ended up getting a non-fat decaf latte. I went to the marina. I watched the sailboats come in. I listened to some music.

I'm still sad. But I'm also a little hopeful. Hopeful that if I nurture that tiny voice she'll come around more often. I like her.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Do I need a new job?

My job is pretty interesting. I really like it, mostly. But it's shift work and that's really hard on me. My worst days, emotionally and physically, are the days after I'm scheduled to work until 1:30 a.m. I come home and it's 2:30 before I get to bed and usually 3 before I'm asleep. The girls are usually up by 8:00. That's five hours.

I used to do just fine on five hours sleep. Not anymore. I come home hungry at 1:30 in the morning, so I eat. I'll usually have leftovers from dinner and/or something snacky...cookies, cake, whatever is handy. Then, after my whole five hours of sleep, I wake up hungry again. And because I've had an insufficient amount of sleep, the next day I'm cranky, depressed, too tired to exercise and very likely to make poor food choices.

I only work part time but it feels like so much more! Partly because I don't work the same days or shifts each week. It varies greatly from week to week and that's difficult in itself. Other people don't seem to have a problem with it and most of them work full time. I can only say that I'm older than most of the people I work with and I'm one of only a couple of people that have families with small children to look after. Before I had children, I would have thought that was just an excuse...but now, I know different!

I've made a request to have my schedule normalized somewhat. Hopefully, something will come of it. If not, I really don't know what I'll do. This is too hard.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Deja vu

I really dislike the "Okay, I'm getting back on track now" portion of the weight loss show. I feel like I'm saying it all the time and it's gotten to the point where I'm sick of hearing myself say it. I mean, it wouldn't be so bad if I said it and then actually made some progress before backsliding and then having to start over again but it seems that I'm not making progress.

I know I need to turn this type of thinking around. Yes! I'm back on track! Two steps forward and one step back is still movement in the right direction! I'm not going to let myself down...I will do this

I think I'll take the girls for a bike ride...

My Girl

My sister's wedding was beautiful. Bonsie was the most perfect flower girl I've ever seen. She's four and her day started with a hair appointment at 10:00 am and she didn't stop until 10:30 that night, which was when I was finally able to tear her away from the reception! She handled it all like a champ. I'm so proud.

My husband and youngest daughter weren't able to make it. That made me really, really sad. But I'm trying to see it as a blessing in disguise. Because it was just the two of us, I was able to devote my full attention to Bonsie and to making sure that she was fed and well hydrated all day long, that she had sun block and bug spray on (outdoor wedding), and that she knew exactly what was coming next. We really made the best of it. We had a great time together.

Everyone commented on how beautiful and well behaved she was. Again, I'm so proud. And I'm very lucky!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Frankly, my dear...

I don't believe I'm going to figure this out. I know that to figure it out, I have to believe I can. But I'm caught here, in this place where I don't care enough to save my own life. It's exactly like that episode of Grey's Anatomy where Meredith gets knocked into the river and doesn't swim. Only I'm not already rail thin, or a doctor, or dating Patrick Dempsey...but other than that, it's the same.

I guess the trick now, is to make myself give a damn. How do I do that?

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Apathy

1. Lack of interest or concern, especially regarding matters of general importance or appeal; indifference.
2. Lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness.

That pretty much sums it up.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Raise your hand if you're an emotional eater

My husband just told me that he has to be on call next weekend. The weekend that my younger sister is getting married. The weekend that our daughter is going to be a flower girl. Wouldn't be such a big deal if the wedding wasn't three and a half hours away! This means he won't be going. This also means that our youngest daughter won't be going...because there's no way I can keep her happy while doing everything with Bonsie that needs to be done. We have to go to the rehearsal and then the rehearsal dinner, Bones has a hair appointment the morning of the wedding, I'd like to be able to enjoy the wedding dinner and dance afterward instead of fighting with Berio the whole time and then having to leave really early, etc., etc.

I'm super bummed about this. We've all been looking forward to this for a long time. And now, it might not happen as we planned.

So, how am I coping? Well, my husband took Bonsie to go and rent a movie and as soon as they left, I started trolling the kitchen. Dinner is as soon as they get back, so it's not like I need to eat right now. And it's not as though I'm consciously doing it in response to this bad news. I just feel angry and disappointed and sad. And I guess I've trained myself to soothe those feelings away with snacks. The problem is, if I'm not soothing myself with food, then I guess the alternative is to just feel these feelings. And I don't want to feel angry and disappointed and sad.

So now what?

Onward!

I've been doing this blog since, what? February? And I've been going back and forth with the same 7 lbs for all that time. Not cool. But it's okay. I'm pretty sure we're on the move again. And really, even slow movement in the right direction, is movement in the right direction, yes? Yes. I think so too.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Do it or die

I was just browsing around at Sparkpeople and I came across this quote, "...if you needed kidney dialysis you'd find the time for it or die. If you had cancer you'd make the time for chemo and radiation or die. A virtual gun is to your head in those two scenarios and you respond accordingly, making the other items in your life's agenda secondary. Until you assign optimum physical conditioning a similar level of urgency you'll make convenient excuses as to why you can't (or won't) find or make the time for it. Convince yourself you will literally die unless you do it. Who knows, it may very well be true."

It's a quote that the spark person found somewhere else, so I really don't know gets the credit for saying it. But it's so true, don't you think?