Thursday, July 31, 2008

My husband, my enabler

My husband and I have a solid marriage. He's a really good man. He loves me and our girls more than anything. But in the area of food, we are toxic for each other. One of us can be doing really well with eating and exercise and inevitably, the other will offer up a heaping serving of temptation.

For instance, I'm not really following any plan right now...just trying to eat healthy foods and get more active. I've been riding my bike to work when I'm on dayshift, I swim after Berio goes to bed, I've taken the girls for a ride in the bike trailer a couple of times and I'm trying to get back into WiiFit...that sort of thing. Nothing really structured or anything but I'm making an effort. And almost every night, my husband sends me to the store (or tries to - sometimes I don't go) to buy him junk food. And on the nights I say no, he'll go and he'll ask me if I want anything. The answer is yes. Yes! Of course I WANT something. I want chips and chocolate and candy and ice cream. It is SO hard to say no. I struggle. Really. I don't want to have to fight this battle every day. And I really wish I didn't have to fight it by myself. But I do.

My husband and I are going to die if we keep on treating ourselves the way we do. Our daughters will watch us eat ourselves into an early grave. Maybe we'll live long enough to see them graduate, get married and start families. There's a very real chance we won't. And it's entirely likely that they'll follow our lead. That they'll make horrible food choices and stay sedentary and that will cut their lives short.

I can't hold anyone responsible for what I eat but me. I need to take responsibility, right now.

Food is love

My house is a mess. Well, it's not that bad...but there's stuff to be done, that's for sure. I've been kind of lazy lately. Not sure what that's all about but I'm starting to feel better, I think. In fact, I already did a 15 minute workout from Sparkpeople and am planning on taking the girls out for a bike ride as soon as I get my arse in gear.

I've been irritated with my mother-in-law lately because she brings over entire bags of cookies (among other things) for the girls practically every time she comes over...and who do you think eats it all?? My husband told her to stop it and I guess she told him, "Just tell yourself to just have one today and one tomorrow, etc." Pretty sure if we could easily do that we wouldn't have close to 200 lbs between the two of us to lose! Don't get me wrong, I love this woman. Love, love, love her. She's great to me and my family and my girls adore her...but she's old school, you know? Food = love. And she REALLY loves us! Anyway, I think she got the point for now. We'll probably go through this again in six months, though.

My own mother hasn't even been to my house in six months or more. That's another story for another day, though.

I'd better get moving. I just told Bonsie that we'd go out for a bike ride, so I guess I'm committed now!

Friday, July 25, 2008

Good days and bad days

I've been off Celexa for about three and a half weeks now. I've noticed that over the past couple of days the dizzy zaps have almost completely receded. That's nice. My stomach still hurts every time I eat, though. Not sure if that's a 'coming off the C' thing or a 'starting on the Wellbutrin' thing. Either way, I hope it lets up soon. I'm still feeling pretty out of control for the most part. I mean, not completely out of control...just out of control for me. My girls get on my nerves about a million times faster than they should. This morning I felt fine. And then I noticed that tight feeling in my chest and my patience level dropped to a fraction of what it normally is. I try not to take it out on the girls but I know they know when I feel like this. And that makes me feel like a piece of shit. I don't call them names or hit them or anything. But I am more likely to lose my temper and yell at them when they don't listen to me right away - and let's face it, they're 2 and 4, they don't listen to me a lot! I feel like I'm yelling all freaking day. I need to practice giving myself a time out when I get like that with them. It's not their fault their mother is a lunatic.

Yesterday was a great day, though. I almost felt like my old self again. I hope that's a sign of things to come.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Yay! (Not)

It's 2 AM and I just got home from work. I'm going to go to bed really soon because I have to get up at 6:30...yep, 4 and a half short hours from now...because I said yes to some training that I probably should have declined. What an idiot.

Oh, but here's a real 'yay' for you. I've been doing really well with increasing my activity levels. I've been swimming, taking my bike to work, doing some online resistance band workouts and today I even loaded up the girls in the bike trailer and took them for a 35 minute ride. I'm trying to act the part of someone who is healthy until I actually become someone who is healthy.

So..yeah.

Good night.


Just for funsies I'm updating this post...I went to bed at 2:30. And watched the clock until about 3:15! At around 3:45 (I really have no idea what time it was) Berio woke up and needed me. Usually she goes back to sleep, but not this time! So I ended up getting about three and a half hours of interrupted sleep. And the training was physical training...I seriously had to stop and think about which was my right and which was my left. Sleep deprivation, it's a trip!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Mmmmmuffins!

I really hope the way I've been feeling lately is the result of the changes in medication. Because otherwise, I got me some problems!

Anyway, I made these muffins today. They're delish. They're so good for you it's a little unbelievable. I make them with whole wheat flour and have tried the recipe as is (great), tried substituting dates for the raisins (great) and substituted a cup of canned pumpkin for the apples (great!). You could probably use zucchini in place of the carrots if you happened to have a bunch of those in your garden...you could use any kind of nut that you wanted or no nuts at all...you could put any dried fruit in there in place of the raisins...well, you get the idea!

These are fantastic for breakfast on the go, especially if you're like me and it's either breakfast on the go or no breakfast at all!

Try them!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Tie a knot - Part 2

Apparently, Celexa withdrawal can take as long as eight weeks. I've been off of it for three. If I'd done my research before I was put on this medication, I most likely would not have taken it. I most likely would have asked for something else.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Heading home

I'm going to my hometown today. My youngest sister is getting married and her bridal shower is tonight. I'm so excited for her but of course, in my mind, I've managed to make it all about me. Everyone is going to be looking at me. Everyone is going to be talking about me. For ages after tonight, everyone at the shower will be consumed with the memory of how fat I've gotten.

C'mon, Lisa. Get a grip.

Yes...people will likely notice that I've put on weight. But so what? If they're the kind of people that would snicker behind my back about it, who needs them? And if they're the kind of people who would spend any more than 5 seconds thinking about this, then they are the ones that are sad.

Fat is not who I am, it's just something that I happen to have more of than I used to. Deep breath.


And on a funny note, just because it makes it makes me smile...yesterday Bonsie and I were swimming. Well, she was doing a pretty shaky dog paddle and I was trying to make sure she didn't drown, and I said, "Sweetie, take your time. We're in here to practice not to race!" To which she replied, "I am practicing mom...I'm practicing WINNING!"

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Shopping for new clothes

I hate it. That is all.

.26 km

I'm going to go for a drive and see what that translates to on the road :-) I mean, so far I've swam more than 1/2 a mile in total! Neat.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

My ass is sore

LOL! Truly it is, though. I rode my bike to work and back for all three days that I was scheduled to work. It's not overly far. It's about a 20 minute ride each way. It's actually kind of a nice way to get going in the morning and then to wind down after work. And it really only takes 10 minutes more than it would if I drove. I doubt I'll be riding when I work evenings...first of all, hubby doesn't even get off work until a half an hour before I start my shift. I just don't have time to ride. Secondly, I could easily ride TO work on an evening shift, but I wouldn't like riding home (at 1:30 a.m.) one bit. So, we'll see. I'm thinking I might ride to work when I work evenings on the weekend and then I could ride home on my break and pick up a vehicle. During the week it wouldn't work because of the time factor.

But seriously...I don't remember my tushie being this sore when I was a kid and I rode my bike all the time! A co-worker assured me that it will go away in a week or so. I hope so!

Monday, July 14, 2008

Proving myself to myself

Have you ever had a friend that was always promising you things but never followed through? You know who I mean...they say you'll have dinner sometime next week and it doesn't happen, they promise to lend you that movie you've been dying to see but never remember to bring it over...that kind of thing. They are perpetual planners but they never follow through with anything. After awhile, you're not really surprised when they don't come through. You stop taking them seriously and you expect nothing from them at all.

It occurred to me the other day that I am that friend to myself. I have big plans. I plan everything... what to eat, what kind of exercise I'm going to do, my future. And I rarely follow through with anything. And now I've come to realize that even when I'm making all these big plans there's a voice in the back of my mind that just says, "WHAT.EVER." I don't even trust myself to follow through with anything. How sad is that? So, I'm going to work on that. For instance, when I tell myself I'm going to ride my bike to work, I'm going to actually do it. No excuses.

For the record, I did tell myself that I was going to ride my bike to work today and I did, in fact, ride my bike to work. Yay me!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

.24 km

22 lengths of a 36 foot pool = 792 feet. Converted to km, that's .241401.

Pretty cool, huh?

Friday, July 11, 2008

Tie a knot and hang on

Med changes suck.

About six years ago, I went to my doctor because I'd had a couple of anxiety attacks that really freaked me out. She explained that the attacks were probably the result of an increase in outside stressors and she said she'd prescribe me some Ativan to get me through any future panic attacks. I asked her if me feeling like my coworkers were suddenly all thinking that I was a complete idiot could be related. I told her that I was suddenly feeling extremely shy with people that I had been working with for years. And I was having a difficult time making even the smallest of small talk with people. And although I had always been kind of a loner I was starting to avoid social situations because of these feelings. She said it sounded like I had Social Anxiety Disorder and prescribed me some Celexa (20 mg/day).

Things improved. Greatly. I got married, got pregnant and got a new job.

Pregnancy really did a number on me. My hormones went all crazy and so did I. The first time wasn't so bad, but the second time was horrible. Seven months after the birth of my second daughter I was back in my doctor's office. I had a new doctor and he knew all my history and he thought it would be best to up my Celexa until I was feeling better. I started taking 40 mg/day.

I never really got better. And a year or so later I actually started to get worse. By the time Berio was two, I was a hot mess. My emotions felt like they were right at the surface and any little thing, good or bad, could make me cry. I started snapping at my husband and then the girls. I was quick to anger and my temper was like a match being lit. I know that's cliche, but there's a reason it's described that way. It's because that's exactly what it's like. I went to talk to Dr. M and he asked me what I wanted to do about it. I told him that the Celexa wasn't working and I wanted to switch meds. He suggested I try Wellbutrin.

He gave me a timeline for weaning off the Celexa and starting the Wellbutrin and told me to come back in six weeks and we'd re-evaluate.

So. Here I am. I took my last Celexa two weeks ago tomorrow and I'm still experiencing some unpleasant withdrawal symptoms. The most annoying one is the "shocks". It's like being zapped with dizziness. It's horrible! But that's not all...no! My sleep is disrupted, my joints ache and to top it all off I'm also experiencing some of the side effects of starting on the Wellbutrin. (sigh)

I guess I'll just hang in there a little longer and hopefully this will all clear up soon.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Was that it?

I went for a walk on my lunch break today at work. It wasn't overly hot out but I was sweating anyway. I wasn't walking fast, but I could feel my heart pounding and my joints started to ache nonetheless. I'm fat and out of shape.

Every once in awhile I'd catch a glimpse of my reflection in a store window. And I'd cringe.

On my way back to work I suddenly realized that I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of being fat and not doing anything about it. I'd explain more but it's the middle of the night and I should get back to bed...maybe tomorrow.

But I thought I'd better get this down. Just in case this was it...the moment it clicked.

Monday, July 7, 2008

1/10 of a mile

That's how far I swam today :-)