Wednesday, May 28, 2008

2 more days to go.

I finished hour 51 of my insane 68 hour week. And that's just the work that has to be done at work! My household is suffering. Obviously, I have zero time to blog. Check back next week.

Thursday, May 22, 2008


I'm on a tea kick. I went to my weight loss group meeting last night and they had a speaker from a tea shop. When I first heard she was going to be talking about tea I almost got up and left. I mean, come on...tea? But honestly it was a really interesting topic. She told us about the health benefits of tea (the stuff benefits your heart, digestive system and practically prevents cancer among many other things!) and taught how to properly prepare it and store it and she explained the difference between loose leaf tea and tea that comes in tea bags at the grocery store. There's a pretty big difference. She was a very engaging speaker and she handed out free samples! I got the chocolate mint black was pretty tasty. Then today, Bonsie and I went to her shop and bought a couple of things. I bought some Strawberry Cream Rooibos (it's not actually "tea" and it's decaf so I'm going to make the girls some sweet iced tea with it) and something called Crime of Passion Green Tea. It's mild and fruity and delicious! I'm trying to get my husband to try some but he seems reluctant.

I'm also thinking of taking a Sunrise Yoga class after the summer is over. I very zen of me!

The thing is, in addition to being fat, I'm depressed. And the depression is not just the result of being fat. I'm pretty sure I've been depressed since my teen years and I wasn't really fat then. And I don't want to be on the dosage of medication that I'm on now for much longer. I don't have a problem taking medicine. I understand that sometimes medicine is the answer. But I'd like to try some alternative therapies too. Like tea and yoga.

I mean, it can't hurt, right?


My baby sister is getting married. She's 23 and is marrying her high school sweetheart. They're having an outdoor wedding in my hometown. It's going to be beautiful. It'll be the first time in years that most of my family will be together.

My daughter is going to be the flower girl. I'm so excited for her. She just turned four and has a tendency to be shy in front of strangers so I'm still not entirely convinced that she'll manage the walk down the aisle, but I can't wait for her to try. We haven't purchased her dress yet. She's been growing so fast lately and I want to make sure we don't have to make any last minute alterations because of a growth spurt! She's going to be beautiful.

I'm looking forward to it...sort of.

Most of me is dreading the middle of August. This day should be all about my sister (and to a lesser extent my daughter - for my husband and I, that is!) and all I can think about is how I'm going to be fat at this wedding and how I'm going to be ashamed to be seen in my hometown. Ten years and about 60 pounds ago I went to my brother's wedding. I thought I looked pretty good - until the pictures came back. Four years or so after that, I went to my sister-in-law's wedding. I took great care to find a nice dress so that I would fit in and on the night in question I thought I looked pretty nice. Until some old hag came up and told me that I looked like I'd gained a lot of weight since she'd seen me last.

When I think about the wedding and how embarrassed and ashamed I will be, it makes me want to cry. And eat. I wish I was a better writer so that I could explain.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Raking and bike riding

I'm so glad winter is finally gone for the year. Today we went outside and did a little bit of raking (and by raking I mean chasing the girls all over the non-kid proofed backyard) and then I got my bike and the bike trailer out from under the deck and we went for a little spin around the block. It was nice. My bum is going to have to get used to the seat all over again (how long does that take?) and I'm going to have to look into whether or not it's normal for my hands to go numb...but I hope to get out with the girls more often this year than I have in years past.

Two steps forward, one step back

I weighed in last night and was up a pound. I'm not surprised and actually am happy that it wasn't more. I didn't get here overnight and I'm not going to lose all the weight overnight.

I'm so tired. I worked late last night and didn't get home until 2:30! I was in bed by 3ish and luckily my husband didn't have to go into work right away this morning so I was able to sleep until 9:30. I need more sleep than that!!!! You'd think I'd be used to sleep deprivation what with Berio only just recently beginning to sleep through the night. Speaking of my baby, Berio, she turned TWO yesterday! Wow. Time flies. It's so fun to watch her personality emerge. She's SO her father's daughter it's not even funny! She gets is so easily frustrated and when she loses her temper she really loses it :-) That makes my husband seem like a big, mean baby! He's not. He's got a pretty long fuse, but when it's lit it burns quickly.

I really need to go grocery shopping. Sticking with any weight loss program really is dependent on being prepared. When I have my meals planned out and my kitchen is stocked with healthy foods, healthy eating is easy. I'm less likely to finish the box of Kraft Dinner that I made for the girls for lunch, I'm less likely to eat the chocolate that's always out at work and I'm less likely to go on a fast food run. Planning is very important. So, that's my plan for today. I plan to plan. I'm going to go through my cookbooks and find some healthy recipes, I'm going to get them together and make up a shopping list and I'm going to take two steps forward.

P.S. You may notice that I've changed my short term goal to 10lbs instead of 26. I decided to do that because I think my short term goals need to be even smaller so that I feel like I'm making progress. Plus, dividing the weight up into tenths makes losing a hundred pounds seem more doable. I'm almost one tenth of the way there! See? It works :-)

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Time to buckle down!

I'm scheduled for six evening shifts in a row. I started the first one last night. Usually, a string of evenings will kick my ass in the weight loss department. I don't get enough sleep, I eat late at night and I don't plan out all of my meals. I'm going to change that today.

More later...

Sunday, May 4, 2008

I have avoidance issues!

So, you may have noticed I haven't been around in awhile. Or not.

I was sick last week. Not deathly ill sick, just under the weather and feeling like a big baby sick. And the girls were sick - there was one night with three separate instances of vomiting. And hubby was out of town. And then hubby called from 10 hours away and told me that an ER doc told him he may have liver damage (long story, not going into it now, we still don't know anything) and I felt so helpless. And I don't handle any of those things well. So I resorted to my old habits. I'm not entirely sure of the damage because I missed weigh-in on Wednesday but I know it can't be good.

So, rather than come here and talk about how I'm not doing well and I need some help, I avoid this place like the plague. It's easier that way.

It's done. I'm back. 'Nuff said.