Thursday, April 24, 2008

Wish I had more time!

It's 2:00 AM, I just got home and I'm exhausted! I want to update...really I do, but I just can't right now.

I was down 1.5 at weigh in today, which is great! Slow and steady wins the race.

I have to go to bed.

Good night!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Sympathy Post

I'm sick! Whaaaaaaa! I have a cold and I'm working evenings and I'm really, really tired! Feel sorry me, please.

I'm getting weighed tonight at my weight loss group. I'll keep you posted.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Hold on just a second here....

I don't know if you can tell or not, but I'm in a pretty crappy mood today. See the previous post. I've got that whole self-hate thing going on today. Now...look at this.

Check out the dates.

Now I don't normally keep track of my cycle...but I made a comment in the comments, "Maybe it's PMS" so I may have been in or around AF. And it's 30 days later. And AF is here.

Coincidence? Or perhaps something to keep an eye on?


I hate being fat. Or do I? Because really, all I have to do is eat less and move more and this will all go away, right? What's my problem anyway? I must like it. I must actually enjoy when people make comments behind my back and snicker about whether or not I "should be wearing that." It must make me feel really good when I go to work and am uncomfortable in my uniform and am sure that people aren't taking me seriously. Because if I didn't like it...I would just stop stuffing my fat face and do something about it, right? But you know, having people assume that because I'm fat I must also be stupid and lazy actually works in my favour. People's expectations of me are so low that I really don't have to try that hard. And let's face it, when you're fat you really don't have the energy to try to do anything with any kind of effort.

Yeah...I LOVE being depressed and frustrated and bored and angry. And then to be able to deal with those emotions by eating until I'm numb is THE BEST. The lack of energy, moodiness and depression that perpetuates the vicious cycle is just an added bonus!

Okay, I'll admit, every once in awhile when I'm not feeling quite shitty enough about myself I'll go on a diet. Because then, in addition to being a fat ass, I also get to be a failure. Because, after all, it's so freaking easy to lose weight that EVERYBODY can do it. Except the biggest, fattest, dumbest loser in the world.

Oh yeah. I love it, alright.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

That can't be right.

So, I spent four days learning/relearning/practicing self-defense techniques. I have to admit, I didn't eat exactly the way I planned. I missed most of my snacks (no time), had Wendy's for lunch (not the salad!) and got dessert with room service. But I was burning a lot of energy...we started at 7:30 every morning and went until 4:30 every afternoon. We had frequent water breaks but no time for snacks. And we had an hour for lunch. I expected to be down a good five pounds since the last time I weighed myself.

I came home and felt like I was retaining some water. My (newly tightened) belt was a little tight when I went to work on Saturday and my hands just looked swollen. But I got on the scale anyway. And I was down only 3 pounds instead of 7. Argh! To top it off, AF came yesterday. So, really, I had no business being on the scale on Saturday morning. No business at all.

I'm not changing a darn thing on my ticker.

Saturday, April 12, 2008


I'm done the training. I passed. Actually, I kicked butt. Really...self-defense is a lot about using your body weight and I'm kind of expert in that department ;-)

I'm glad it's done, though. I'll post more when I've recovered a bit more!

Thursday, April 10, 2008

It's kinda like being in fat person hell...

So, today I had to practice maintaining control of someone who was unconscious by getting them from a sitting position to their stomachs so that they could be handcuffed. I started off behind them (because I was the one who rendered them unconscious) and had to ROLL ON TOP of them and NOT use my own hands to break my fall. And my partner was a little stick girl. I mean seriously...if she weighed a hundred pounds, I would be surprised. Okay...110, tops. Now. I'm a little self-conscious about my weight (we'll just call that the understatement of the year) and the mere thought of putting all of my weight on Twiggy was horrifying to me. I looked at the trainer and said, "Um...I don't think I can do this without hurting her." He assured me that I wouldn't hurt her. I balked. And he offerred to work with me. Which was better - still not ideal - lets face it, because I have all my weight including that EXTRA 93 lbs lying on some strange man. This torture went on for about an hour and a half this afternoon and is apparently scheduled to continue in the morning. Yay.

Luckily tomorrow is the last day. And once I'm done, I'm done for a few years.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

One day down, three to go.

I'm too exhausted right now to write anything. But I made it through the first day. I think we all knew I would. I'm here now and the worst is over. Three sleeps before I get to see my girls and husband. That's what I'm waiting for now.

Monday, April 7, 2008

I can dream, can't I?

Is it wrong that I'm hoping there'll be either another fat person or someone who is close to retirement in my training? :P

I'm scared.

I'm traveling to a different city tomorrow for four days training. I'm the only one going from my office. It's very physical training. Similar to self defense. And I know that I'm going to be the only fat person there. And I know I'll be judged. But I have to do it. And I'm less confident in my abilities this time around particularly because I'm 30 pounds heavier than I was the last time I took this training. And I'm really feeling that last 30!

The anticipation is usually worse than the reality, right? Right?

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

"I had to smallen my belt today." is what I said to my husband. Yep. That's what I said.

My mother in law has a nasty habit of bringing over cakes and cookies and other treats for the girls when she comes to babysit. I have no problem with her bringing a couple of cookies, but she will sometimes bring over a whole big bag of Chips Ahoy! And let's face it, I'm not in control enough (yet) to have that kind of stuff lying around. And, for a treat, it's fine...but the girls don't NEED to have cookies every day. They are not me! Bonsie's been above the curve on the growth charts since the day she was born! By the time she was two months old she was 18 pounds. Seriously. And that, more than anything is what has convinced me that weight, to a great extent, is determined by genetics. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that my family is destined to be fat forever so we might as well eat whatever we want. No, what I'm saying is that even when we eat healthy foods in normal portion sizes we're going to be bigger than average. We're not ever going to be Twiggy thin. And really, who'd want that anyway? I can't wait until I'm strong and full of energy! But I also enjoy being curvy and soft.

So, back to the cookies. Yesterday my mother-in-law brought over some cookies for the girls. There were some left in a bag on the counter last evening. And I ate one...and then I ate 4 Ritz Bits crackers....and I was about to break into the animal crackers (why did I buy those things!!!!!!!?????) when my husband came upstairs. And saved me from certain disaster! I was hungry because I didn't all my meals and snacks during the day. And it had been a long, busy day and I was tired and feeling like I needed something. And feeling quite out of control, if you want to know the truth. And I was seriously thinking of just saying, "Screw it! I'll start again tomorrow!" But, mostly because my husband was there, I had some homemade soup and some nuts instead of throwing in the towel. And then I went to bed. And today, I'm much better :-)

Last but not least, yesterday at work I was walking down a hallway and I noticed that my shirt was untucked...because my pants were falling down...because my belt was too loose. So I had to adjust it. That's the first time I've had to adjust my belt to make it smaller in a LONG time. Not making too big a deal about it. But there you go. Something's happening.