Sunday, March 2, 2008

Must. Drink. Coffee.

YAWN! I went to bed at 3:08 AM. It's hubby's turn to get up with the girls but somehow, here I am at just after 8:00 in the morning. I eat horribly on days when I haven't gotten enough sleep. I'm going to try and take today one meal at a time. I made some breakfast cookies the other day so I'll start with a couple of those with my coffee. I WILL be napping later today so that will actually help to keep me out of the snacks!


I'm going to put some coffee on.


Okay. I'm back. I went to put coffee on. Then the girls decided they wanted pancakes for breakfast, so I made pancakes. Fed them and had breakfast myself. Started the dishes. Berio called me wanting to play with a pen. I told her no and distracted her with a drum, a bucket, a Rubbermaid bowl and Henry the Octopus. I also broke up a couple of fights between the girls, emptied the garbage and removed the potential choking hazards (Bonsie's raisins) from Berio's room...I still have some dishes to do. But I'm taking a break for some much needed coffee. MUCH needed.

And while I'm here, I might as well tell you the reason for this blog.

I was a chubby kid. Not take-me-on-Maury-chubby, but for as long as I can remember people have been commenting on my "baby fat". My mom was still commenting on it when I was in my early teens. I've been doing the diet thing for a long time and I've spent a lot of money on losing weight. I've bought diet books, cookbooks, magazines, weight loss club memberships, gym memberships, treadmills (yes, plural), bikes and therapy sessions. I've easily spent more than ten thousand dollars. So, when I say I've tried everything you can believe it.

And here's the kicker...I'm fat! I was going to an eating disorders clinic (yep, tried it) for awhile. Did you know that there's a difference between an eating disorder and disordered eating? Apparently it has something to do with the actual diagnosis. The dietitians and social workers at the clinic couldn't make the diagnosis; only a psychologist could do that. I was seeing a psychologist too. And a personal trainer (Oh yes, tried that too). All at the same time!

I'm getting off track here. What I'm trying to get at here is that I've done it all...really. And I've come to realize something. This is not going to be a popular theory. Believe me, I don't like it myself but that fact is, I can "work" on my "issues" for as long as I like. I can search and search for the reasons why. But I will not lose weight until I stop making excuses and until I stop eating like a fat person. That's it. So when I'm on my way home from working an evening shift and I'm tired and it's been a crappy shift and I had a fight on the phone with my husband and I'm PMSing on top of it all, answering the call of the golden arches may seem like a good idea. But it's not. And I just have to decide not to go. That's it.

I'm not saying it's easy. It's HARD! I know how hard it is. But when you get right down to it and you strip it down to the basics, well, that's it.

This blog is where I'll be reminding myself of that basic fact. And where I'll be coming to sift through and lay down all the garbage that tries to get in my way.

And on that note, I'm going to wake up my husband and steal the bed!

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