Sunday, March 30, 2008

Another good day.

My coworker brought me a blueberry muffin this morning. She's so sweet. She's been off sick since before my birthday and when she came back she noticed the "Where's my party??" note on our calendar (kind of a long story...I was joking!). So this morning she brought in a blueberry muffin complete with candle and a book of matches. Then...she sang me Happy Birthday! It was nice :-) However, I didn't eat the muffin. I told her I'd just had breakfast but would save it for later. What I didn't mention was that I was saving it for the girls for later!

It was good (the day, not the muffin - that was accidentally dropped into a sink full of soapy water!).

And can I just remind myself yet again that I have more energy when I'm eating right? Can I? Because I do.

I have to work again in the morning, so I'm off to bed. Nighty night!

Off to work!

I'm heading out for the day. I can't access this page at work but if anything exciting happens I'll be sure to fill you all in when I get home :P

Yesterday was a good day.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Accountability

What a week! I worked evenings on Wednesday. I came home and had some (too many) animal crackers and some of the girls' Easter Chocolate. I decided it wasn't that big a deal...I didn't have much...and I went to bed. The next day I had some more animal crackers (handfuls - several of them) and some more Easter chocolate. This time I wasn't so forgiving. I was beating myself up all day about it. My husband was very sweet. He knows how hard this is for me because he's fighting his own food battle right now. He reminded me that I was further ahead even with this slip up than I would be if I'd not started anything at all. And that I'd had a week of good days and that was nothing to sneeze at! Okay, he didn't actually say, "That's nothing to sneeze at." That would have been weird. But he helped. A lot. Even though I didn't automatically get right back on track I stopped being quite so hard on myself. Whatever...it's a couple of days. No big deal.

So I'm here to confess my transgressions and move on. Really, I was avoiding this place this past week. I just didn't want to come here and do the whole, "I failed again, blah, blah, blah....I'm back on track, blah, blah blah" crap. I hate that. It feels like the story of my life!

But, I'm here. And to be honest, I still don't feel totally back in control of things. But I'm hoping that writing here and possibly having someone read this will give me some accountability. And today, when I feel like eating crap, I think of this place and I'll imagine how much better it will feel to be able to come here and say that I had a good day.

So thanks, to anyone reading this. You're helping :-)

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

I started this post at work the other day...

Don't eat sugar for a few days and then go and walk down the baking isle at the grocery store...wowsers! It smelled so good! I can't remember the last time something smelled sweet. Weird.

I've been feeling pretty awesome lately. I have more energy, my mood seems more stable than it has in awhile and I'm actually enjoying finding ways to eat healthily (healthfully? - great, now they both look wrong). I've been heading towards healthy eating for quite some time. It all started when Bonsie was born, actually. Or more precisely when she started eating solids. I didn't want to put anything that was not healthy into that little body. I made most of her baby food because I wanted to know what was going into it. I'm still doing it. My bread maker, for instance, has gotten more use in the past 6 months than it ever has. I've started making my own jam because I can control the amount of sugar in it. I rarely buy canned soup anymore. I just make a big pot of pea soup, chicken soup or minestrone and freeze it in lunch sized portions.



And that's as far as I got with that one. I just don't feel like finishing it now so it's going in just like that.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Walking in a Winter Wonderland!

I'm pretty sure we've entered the era of eternal winter. I left work about a half hour ago and had to brush the snow off my van. Niiiiiiice.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Yay! for me :-)

Easter dinner was a pretty big success, if I do say so myself. As planned, I had a few nuts and some water just before we left home. By the time it was time to eat I was still feeling in control. I had some sauerkraut, ham, one cabbage roll and a few sauerkraut perogies (they're my favourite!). My in-laws are Polish and they can cook! They'd also made turkey, stuffing, potatoes, gravy, potato salad and a garden salad but I didn't have any of that. Then for dessert, a black forest cake AND and assortment of sweet breads. My MIL cut the biggest piece of cake for Bonsie. I gave some of that to Berio too and there was STILL some left, so I finished it off. I was actually planning on having a whole piece of cake myself but I didn't need to after sharing one with the girls.

I was pretty satisfied with how things went. But, even before we got home I was feeling yucky and shaky and moody and I'm pretty sure it was from the CAKE! It's funny because I'd actually read something recently that described this exact feeling as sugar withdrawal. And I do have blood sugar issues, so I am familiar with this feeling. It was definitely the cake. I will be keeping that in mind the next time I have the cake-or-no-cake choice to make.

I would also like to add that at no time did I feel like I was missing out on anything or like I was depriving myself of the whole Easter dinner experience. I thoroughly enjoyed the food that I did have and was neither still hungry nor overly full at the end of the meal.

It's also worth noting that while I would normally feel like I'd screwed the whole day up by eating some cake and would have proceeded to eat half of the girls' Easter treats, last night when I was feeling a little 'snacky' I ate some edamame beans. They are a recent discovery of mine and I love them!

So...a success and a learning experience all in one.

P.S. In addition to the success above, when we got home from dinner instead of coming in the house I put the girls in their wagon and took them for a walk around the block.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Oh...before I forget!

I've only been off the sugar for a few days now and I'm pretty sure my uniform was not quite as snug at work last night! That's good, huh?

The Plan for Today

So..back to the topic at hand. We're going to my mother in law's house for Easter dinner today. She's a wonderful cook and every time we have a family dinner at her place she goes WAY overboard. There's enough food there to feed several families for several days. I'm practically not even exaggerating there. Anyway, in order to make it through the meal without feeling like I've completely blown it, I've come up with a plan. Instead of not eating all day and going over there starving, I'm going to eat normally all day. I had a small breakfast, a veggie burger on whole wheat english muffin for lunch and now I'm noshing on snap peas (I love these things!). I'll have a bottle of water and a handful of nuts on my way out the door and when we get there, I'll eat only what I REALLY want. I won't just load up my plate with whatever is there. I'll be discriminating and chose the things that I really enjoy. I won't go back for seconds just for the sake of it. I'll try to focus on family instead of food.

So that's the plan. The fact that I started any kind of diet just a few days before Easter is a victory of sorts to begin with. Usually, I'd say, "Well, Easter is coming...I might as well wait until that's over with before I try anything new. I'm just setting myself up for failure if I try to start a diet with a big family dinner on the horizon. Not to mention the chocolate bunnies!" But, even though I say diet, I'm really just trying to change some bad habits...so what difference does it make when I start?

I'll let you know how it works out for me!

I guess you know there's no Easter Bunny now, right?

When I was ten and my little brother was eight, we woke up on Easter morning and ran to the living room to see what the Easter Bunny had brought us. We looked high and low and didn't find a thing. We went into our mom's room to wake her and found her passed out cold. We woke her up and she told us there was no such thing as the Easter Bunny and that our treats were still in the car.

I tell this story (with both a lot more detail and a lot more emotion!) to my husband every year.

It's sad, huh?

Friday, March 21, 2008

YOU on a Diet - Day 2

There's a two week plan in this book that's supposed to help you develop automatic eating. That is, eating using your body as a guide. You know, eat when your actually hungry, eating things your body actually needs...that kind of thing. That's not to say that I'll magically not crave Cadbury Easter Cream Eggs after this two weeks is up! But I guess I'll be more able to see the difference between something I WANT to eat and something my body NEEDS to function optimally. The two are sure to be very different things!

For instance, some of the things I WANT to eat:

Cadbury Easter Cream Eggs - these things are the devil!
Caramilk bars - how DO they get the caramel inside??
Poutine - they're fries with melted cheese curds and gravy and they're GOOOOD! But obviously, REALLY bad!
My mother in law's cabbage rolls - she makes them pretty lean but it doesn't matter how lean they are when you're eating 6 in one sitting.
Perogies - but only if they're smothered in sour cream!
Cool Ranch Doritos!
Pasta Carbonara. Oh my.

Now, indulging in some of this stuff once in awhile wouldn't be so bad. I know that. But I could go for long stretches of time when those were the only things I was eating. Not good. Not good at all. Throw a couple of fast food burgers in there and maybe some ice cream and you've pretty much got my menu for the week any time my husband went out of town for work.

Here's the kicker. I have kids. And there is no way in hell I'd let them eat like that for a day, never mind a week! So, while I'm sneaking around eating chocolate and doritos, I'm also taking the time to make sure that the girls have well balanced, healthy meals and snacks.

Is there something wrong with this picture? Clearly.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

YOU on a Diet

So, I went out and bought another diet book. Yeah, well, like I said before I've already spent $10,000 on trying to lose weight...what's 25 more bucks!

It's actually pretty good. It focuses on the science of the body and finding the right set point weight for your body by eating frequent, whole-food based, balanced meals, drinking water and exercising moderately. It stresses that your waist measurement is more important than your weight.

I haven't read the whole book yet, but I think I like it. And here's something interesting. It mostly seems to be saying things I'd already concluded based on my years and years of "research".

They have a site online too, which seems to have pretty much all of the information that the book does except it's free. Oh well. Even if I'd found the website before I bought the book I would have likely gone and purchased the book anyway. I love books and will use any excuse I can to buy one! Meh. We'll see what happens.

Oh, also...funny story. When I was in the bookstore, there was another lady looking at the "Diet" section at the same time I was. We were both standing there in front of this wall of books, all promising to make us thin and healthy. Both of us had been there before and neither of us had any clue what we were looking for this time (I could just tell...). It struck me as funny and kind of sad at the same time. And just then, we looked at each other and we both started laughing. She said, "I don't know why I even come here." And I replied, "I know...I don't really believe any of it, anyway." And we each went on our way. Books in hand.

Monday, March 17, 2008

How embarrassing!

I have to admit, I'm a little embarrassed by that last post. I'll leave it for now. But it's very likely it won't be around forever!

Anyway......I was just going to say Happy St. Patrick's day, but according to Google, the Catholic Church moved St. Patrick's Day to March 15 because it conflicted with Holy Week. Maybe this is common knowledge. But I didn't know about it until about 30 seconds ago!

Well, enjoy your day anyway!

Sunday, March 16, 2008

I think I'm having an anxiety attack right this second.

I typed the following at work this evening and emailed it to myself to cut and paste into this blog.

I'm a really nice person. I'm a pretty good wife and a great Mom. I'm smart. I have a cool job. I'm pretty too. We do well financially and we have everything we need and almost everything we want. So...you might be wondering about something. If my life is so great and I'm so happy then what's with the fatness?? I'll let you in on a little secret. Well, maybe not such a little secret. It's actually kind of a doozy. Mostly I really am happy. Mostly. But there's a part of me that is so filled with hate and spite and rage and a self-loathing that I'm hard-pressed to even describe. And some days, without warning, that bitter bile takes over. And I HATE everything. That's actually not accurate. I don't hate my kids...I just hate being a Mom, because I SUCK at it. And I don't hate my husband...I hate being a wife, because I SUCK at it. I believe I'm stupid and lazy and fat and ugly. And I hate my job because I've been here for four years and I still SUCK at it. I don't hate everything else - I hate me. And every time I try to lose weight again and I fail, I hate me even more for being such a failure.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is where I am right this minute.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Motivation

I listed some of the excuses that have held me back a few posts ago. Now I'm going to list some of things that are currently motivating me to lose weight.

I have two daughters. I don't want them to battle the way I have. I want to figure this out and set a good example for them. I don't want them to be embarrassed by having the "fat mom".

I don't want to look like a joke at work. I'm in the security business and I wear a uniform to work.

I want to be comfortable doing my job.

I want to stop being in pain. My knees have been really bothering me lately. Same with my back, hips and ankles. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I want to shop in normal sized clothing stores.

I want to stop being embarrassed by my own husband seeing me naked.

I want to have more energy.

I want to look younger and hotter.

I want to live.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Shift Work, Birthdays and Getting Back on Track

I'm a shift worker. There's no third shift so I either work from 8am-5pm or 4:30pm-1:30am. Whenever I work the late shift, I end up blowing whatever eating plan I happen to be following to hell! The "no eating after 8:00pm" thing is particularly difficult when I'm on evenings. So, I've been doing pretty good for the past week or so but I had an evening shift on Friday and I blew it after work. I probably ate enough calories for another entire meal! That sent me into a tailspin for the past couple of days, including today. So...here's the new plan. No eating after 8:00 PM UNLESS I'm working an evening shift. On those days I MUST have a healthy, sustaining snack between 10 and 11 PM. This will hopefully keep me from bingeing when I get home. 'Nuff said about that.

Next up, birthdays! Today is mine! I'm 37 today :-) I've never had a problem with getting older. I get better every year, so why would I have a problem with it? I can't wait for this coming year! I will continue to improve and by this time next year I will be even closer to where I want to be...I'll be EVEN BETTER than I am now...that's pretty awesome!

Yep. Back on track now.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Excuses

I have a million excuses why I gained and/or haven't lost weight. Here are some:

My parents are fat. It's genetic.
I'm nursing. Everyone knows a nursing body won't let go of extra fat!
I'm taking Celexa.
I'm too busy to make time for me.
I just can't eat vegetables...Yuck!
If I lose too much weight my boobs will sag to the floor.
If I lose too much weight I'll have loose skin.
I've had two babies. Of course I have some extra weight.
And while I was pregnant - I'm eating for two!
I'm depressed. Depressed people eat!
My mom has hypothyroidism. I probably do too.
I can't NOT eat, I have blood sugar issues.
I was abused as a child. I keep the extra fat as insulation.
My husband prefers a little meat on his women.

You get the idea. Pretty lame, I know. And although some of the above may make it more difficult for me to lose the weight, none of them really prevent me from doing it.

Let's get real.

2:30 AM - She'll be sleeping through the night when??

I'm very interested in what 'normal' people eat. I made a New Year's Resolution at the beginning of 2007 to stop dieting. My therapist, social worker and dietitian were all so proud of me! I mean, I'd been dieting all my life and look where it had gotten me. They said losing weight was not about dieting. It was about normalizing my eating habits. So I took the year off...and gained about 30 lbs. I guess simply not dieting wasn't the answer after all.

Whenever I try to watch what I'm eating, I do alright for the first little while. But then I get pissy that I can't eat what I want, when I want like everyone else. It's beginning to occur to me that perhaps "everyone else" isn't eating whatever they want. Perhaps thin people, too, would like to eat a pint of ice cream in the middle of the night. But they don't...because who the hell does that? Yep, you got it. Fat people.

So, if there happen to be any non-fat people reading this, let me know what YOU eat. What's a normal lunch? Do you have a night time cut off time for eating or do you naturally just not want to eat at night? Or do you go ahead and eat in the middle of the night if you're hungry? What do you have? Are you all REALLY drinking that much water? Can I keep the double cream in my coffee? It's the best part!

I'm going back to bed now. Posting here has helped me immensely. I'm still hungry, but I've had some water and will just have to have a big (healthy) breakfast in the morning.

Night!

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Pizza Pizza

Normal people order pizza once in awhile, right? And wings?

We ordered in tonight. I had three slices of a medium Multigrain Mediterranean Vegetarian pizza. And I had six lightly breaded chicken wings. Get this...the two items I just mentioned are pretty close in terms of total calories but the fat in the chicken wings (40 grams!!!) is more than twice that in the three slices of pizza!! Is that crazy or what? That's more fat than I should be eating in a whole day, I'm pretty sure. And that was in six measly little wings. Okay, so they were good. But were they worth not fitting into my clothes? Not so much.

Lesson learned. Next time, have the pizza and skip the wings.

Even with the pizza and the wings I'm still pretty much on target for the day in terms of caloric intake.

Victory

One of the things I've decided to do is have a nightly cut off time for eating. This is big for me because I tend to eat a lot at night. Especially when I was still nursing Berio (it's been a week since we weaned...she's doing great). Also, I'm a shift worker so there are nights when I'd come home and have practically a whole meal at 1:30 AM. Not good. My husband and I have agreed to an 8:00 PM cut off time.

Last night by 10:00 I was hungry. But I didn't eat. And then I woke up at 2ish and was tempted to get out of bed and go forage for food. But I stayed in bed.

There you have it. A small victory, but a victory all the same.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Must. Drink. Coffee.

YAWN! I went to bed at 3:08 AM. It's hubby's turn to get up with the girls but somehow, here I am at just after 8:00 in the morning. I eat horribly on days when I haven't gotten enough sleep. I'm going to try and take today one meal at a time. I made some breakfast cookies the other day so I'll start with a couple of those with my coffee. I WILL be napping later today so that will actually help to keep me out of the snacks!


I'm going to put some coffee on.


Okay. I'm back. I went to put coffee on. Then the girls decided they wanted pancakes for breakfast, so I made pancakes. Fed them and had breakfast myself. Started the dishes. Berio called me wanting to play with a pen. I told her no and distracted her with a drum, a bucket, a Rubbermaid bowl and Henry the Octopus. I also broke up a couple of fights between the girls, emptied the garbage and removed the potential choking hazards (Bonsie's raisins) from Berio's room...I still have some dishes to do. But I'm taking a break for some much needed coffee. MUCH needed.

And while I'm here, I might as well tell you the reason for this blog.

I was a chubby kid. Not take-me-on-Maury-chubby, but for as long as I can remember people have been commenting on my "baby fat". My mom was still commenting on it when I was in my early teens. I've been doing the diet thing for a long time and I've spent a lot of money on losing weight. I've bought diet books, cookbooks, magazines, weight loss club memberships, gym memberships, treadmills (yes, plural), bikes and therapy sessions. I've easily spent more than ten thousand dollars. So, when I say I've tried everything you can believe it.

And here's the kicker...I'm fat! I was going to an eating disorders clinic (yep, tried it) for awhile. Did you know that there's a difference between an eating disorder and disordered eating? Apparently it has something to do with the actual diagnosis. The dietitians and social workers at the clinic couldn't make the diagnosis; only a psychologist could do that. I was seeing a psychologist too. And a personal trainer (Oh yes, tried that too). All at the same time!

I'm getting off track here. What I'm trying to get at here is that I've done it all...really. And I've come to realize something. This is not going to be a popular theory. Believe me, I don't like it myself but that fact is, I can "work" on my "issues" for as long as I like. I can search and search for the reasons why. But I will not lose weight until I stop making excuses and until I stop eating like a fat person. That's it. So when I'm on my way home from working an evening shift and I'm tired and it's been a crappy shift and I had a fight on the phone with my husband and I'm PMSing on top of it all, answering the call of the golden arches may seem like a good idea. But it's not. And I just have to decide not to go. That's it.

I'm not saying it's easy. It's HARD! I know how hard it is. But when you get right down to it and you strip it down to the basics, well, that's it.

This blog is where I'll be reminding myself of that basic fact. And where I'll be coming to sift through and lay down all the garbage that tries to get in my way.

And on that note, I'm going to wake up my husband and steal the bed!

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Fair Warning

I know right now it seems like there's not a lot of progress being made here. I haven't updated my little turtle fellow for a couple of weeks, but I don't think he's moved much anyway. But I'll tell you something, losing 100 pounds is a pretty big deal so you're going to want to stick around to see this :-)

I am not giving up this time. I will do this. You don't know me very well but I can tell you this, the person inside me is not a fat, tired, depressed, stupid, slob. Nope. The person inside is awesome. She's smart and funny and fun to be around. And she's really, really nice. People really like her. And she likes to bike and go for walks in the evening. And even though she's getting older (37 in 8 days!), she can still turn heads. Right now she's stuck. But not for long.

You're going to want to stick around to see this.