Tuesday, February 26, 2008

4:50 AM

Another late night. I'm in the process of weaning Berio. She'll be two in two months and she's still not sleeping through the night. I'm hoping that if we wean she'll realize there's no point in waking me up in the middle of the night. Last night she woke up and called for me at around 5:00 AM but went right back to sleep. Tonight she was calling and calling and calling. I went to make sure everything was okay but did not nurse her. She was PISSED! It was sad because it would have been so easy to just give in, nurse her and then get back to bed.

It's five in the morning. I'm rambling. I'm stopping now before this turns into some crazy post about how sad I am that my baby isn't a baby anymore.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Has it been a week already?

Wow. Time flies. So much has happened since my last post. Not much of it very interesting...but stuff happened.

There is one incident that is particularly relevant to this blog, though. One day last week some coworkers were making derogatory comments about our overweight boss while I was standing right there. Okay. Am I wrong here? Isn't it a little insensitive to make fun of a fat person when there is another fat person standing right there? Because either I am WAY wrong or they are REALLY insensitive. I mean, I need to lose over one hundred pounds so I'm pretty sure it's not that they don't see me "that way."

I did tell them, in an offhand way, that I thought they were being mean but didn't get into just how hurt I was. And I was hurt. In fact, when I went back to my desk I cried a little. And I was pretty cranky for the rest of the day. Wow. I thought I was over this but just typing this is making me cry again. What difference does it make what a person weighs? Sure, it might make me less likely to run a marathon than you but it doesn't make me less intelligent than you.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Don't be shy!

Leave a comment! Tell me what YOU had for breakfast. Seriously, I've often wondered what "normal" people do. I've always been angry and resentful about dieting because I just want to be able to eat what ever I want, like everyone else does. Lately, I've been thinking that maybe people who are not overweight actually do have to watch what they eat to stay that way. They're actually NOT having a half a bag of cookies and a big bowl of ice cream for breakfast! What?! I know..crazy. But I'm thinking that's the case.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

P.S.

I walked for 30 minutes on my treadmill last night.

1/4 cup does NOT equal 1/4 cup....WTF?

One of the reasons I get frustrated while "dieting" is that it seems to be such an all or nothing prospect. As soon as I do something "wrong" I feel like a failure and end up throwing in the towel. Now, this time around I'm not following a strict diet so it's kind of hard to fail but still...situations like the following scenario still have the power to wreck everything.

I bought some whole wheat pancake mix last week - I'm trying to incorporate high grain, low processed foods where ever I can. So the cooking instructions say to use 1/4 cup of pancake batter for 1 pancake. Right. The nutritional info is 140 calories and 3 grams of fiber for 1/4 cup or TWO pancakes! So is 1/4 cup 1 pancake or 2? I'll go with two...but I don't know WHY! I mean, there's not a lot that gets cooked off in the few short minutes the pancakes are in the pan. And the pancakes don't get smaller, they get bigger! So you would think the reverse would happen...one pancake starts off as 1/4 cup but ends up as 1/2 cup...you know? I know it's weird that this has the potential to throw me off track for the day, but it does. Because then I start to think "This is stupid! It's too hard! And I don't want to be doing freakin' math that doesn't make sense at every meal!" And I get angry and resentful that I have to even be doing this in the first place.

The funny thing is, one extra pancake for breakfast on Saturday mornings is not what made me fat in the first place.

Friday, February 15, 2008

The Spotlight Effect in effect.

It's winter. And for the past couple of weeks we've been having windchill warnings of -40C every other day, it seems. It's just not possible to have the girls play outside. So today I decided to take them to McDonalds Playland. I get coffee, they get to run around and burn some pent up energy without having to freeze...everybody's happy.

We're playing there today and this little boy comes in and starts playing one of the driving video games (which I don't really like in there, but nobody asked me!). S goes over and tries to grab the wheel, so I tell her "No, no, sweetie. The little boy is playing" at the same time this little bugger pushes her hand away :-) Really, it wasn't a big deal. He didn't hurt her and she didn't care and I could totally see his point. But his Mom, who had been watching through the window, comes in and before she gets a chance to say anything to him she looks at me with surprise and says, "Hi Lisa!"

My first thought, is that I look terrible. At least I'm not in my sweats today...but that's about all I have going for me. And then, I realize that this isn't someone I know right now. It's someone from my past. From high school. Someone I played volleyball with. And all of a sudden all I can think of is how she's seeing me. Not that she's glad to see and old friend. Or amazed by my beautiful girls. But that she's thinking about how fat I've become. We're standing about two feet apart and I find myself trying to hide. I cross my arms, because we all know that will easily hide an extra hundred pounds, and I wish the floor would just swallow me up. Of course, it didn't. We chatted for a bit and then she and her son went back to eat some more of their food. I got the girls ready and we went and had some lunch too. The whole time, I was hyper aware of where she was in the restaurant. And if I was in her line of sight, I was very conscious of my posture and keeping my stomach sucked in so if she happened to look my way I wouldn't look like such a blob. Finally, they left. And I exhaled.

Here's the thing. I remember this girl as being a nice person. And during the course of our short conversation, I learned that she was still married to her high school sweetheart, she has three kids and she's in her last (or second last?) year of med school and is living apart from her family for the next few months. So, is she really thinking about my weight gain right now? Hmmmmmm.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Go, Oscar! Go!

So...the turtle is to remind me that slow and steady will win this race. And the grass, well that just seemed like the best place to put the turtle. I'm calling him Oscar.


Who's looking at you?

I go to a local weight loss support group on Wednesday evenings. It's not a diet; it's just a group of people (mostly women) trying to lose weight. I've been going for about five weeks now (well, I missed two weeks but I've been in the group for five) and I have to say that I'm liking it so far. You get weighed, there are "stars" given out for milestone pounds lost and every week there's a new guest speaker. They bring in doctors, nurses, personal trainers, dietitians...you name it. Last night's speaker was a psychologist who spoke about the Spotlight Effect. The essence of this talk was that even though you think everyone is looking at you and judging you, they're more than likely not. They don't care. They're just not that into you! I have to admit I'm guilty of this. I think people at work are looking at me every day thinking about my size. And while they might think about it once in awhile, they're hardly thinking, "Oh, here comes FATTY FATTY TWO BY FOUR!" every time I walk in the door. At least I hope not.

So anyway, I was down a total of 4.2 yesterday. I'm happy, but I'm trying not to focus too much on the numbers. Although, I think I'm going to look online for a charm bracelet, the dangly kind, and some charms for a reward system for myself. I've always wanted one of those things and I figure if I reward myself with a new charm for every five pounds lost, I'll have quite the bracelet by the time I get to 100 lbs.

I'm going to go and find a ticker too.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

5:12 AM

Did you know they say that proper sleep is critical to successful weight loss? Well, they do. Of course, "they" say a lot of things. I've been sleep deprived since Berio was born almost two years ago. We're still BFing and she likes to have a snack anywhere between 3 and 6 in the morning. YAWN! It takes her awhile to get back to sleep and I can't sleep until she does, so you can usually find me at my desk in the middle of the night illuminated by the glow of my Macbook. I vow, here and now, never to be one of those parents who complains about their kids sleeping in until all hours. I'm hoping I'll be sleeping too!

All is quiet now.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

The beginning.

I don't know how it happened. It seems strange to say that it snuck up on me, but it really did. I was an athlete in high school. I was in good shape. Although I didn't participate in organized sports in my twenties, I still thought of myself as athletic, if not an athlete. Even now, in my head, I'm in better shape than your average person who needs to lose a hundred pounds - it's actually more than that, but we'll start with a hundred. Obviously there's some denial at work because I just have no idea how I got here.

But...here I am. I need to lose 100 pounds. So, journalling is supposed to be good, right? Being held accountable by someone - also good. I figure here I can kill at least those two birds with one stone.

I don't know what this blog will actually consist of; progress pictures, what I've eaten (maybe, but really who wants to read that?), exercise I've done, daily bitching about how I hate dieting, my dieting and not-dieting to date. In general, figuring it out.

So. Here I go. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Who wants to go for a walk?