Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Twilight Zone weigh in.

I didn't go to WW last week. I should have made the time but I didn't. I haven't been to Weight Watchers in almost two weeks. I haven't counted a point in almost two weeks. I haven't even really been making an effort to eat reasonably. In fact, I've eaten dreadfully. I've had more chocolate than I should have. I've eaten full meals (practically) after getting home from work at 1:00 in the morning. I've had what we call around here, "Truck treats" (that's the crap that I'm in the habit of eating when I'm out running errands). Other than shoveling the driveway, I haven't done any exercise.

So I was prepared for a gain of at least four or five pounds. And I debated about waiting until after the holidays to go back to WW. I figured I'd let myself have free reign for another couple of days. But I decided against that. I decided that facing the music would have to be the kick in the pants that I needed to get back on track. I worried that a gain would make me give up. But I KNEW that not going to weigh in and being accountable for my actions would be more likely to make me give up. So, I went.

I was up. We all knew that was coming. I was up .2 ...

I'm beginning to think that the medication I was on was having more of an effect on my weight than I thought. It's really the only explanation.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Random Stuff

Christmas was nice :-) I ate too much, of course. But it's Boxing Day and Christmas is officially over so there are no excuses now! We don't really celebrate New Years (especially since I'm working New Years Eve!) so I don't have to worry about that.

My Dad is visiting. He hasn't been anywhere for Christmas in 40 years! So this was a big change for him! He seems to be enjoying himself and I'm happy about that.

We were talking about step mom's new boyfriend (remember him?) and Dad told me that they weren't together anymore because the guy's WIFE was moving back in with him. He was a married man. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I know it's wrong...but it made me a little bit happy. I'm petty and childish, I know.

Bones and Berio were really good this year. Although, Bones broke my heart a little bit yesterday. Quick back story...from the time Bones was 1 until she was 2, we put her in a home daycare. The daycare provider was my younger sister's boyfriend's mother, so I was as comfortable as I could be leaving her there. That's not saying much. I don't trust people easily. My own childhood experiences taught me that you can't always count on people...even the people who are supposed to protect you the most. So, it was hard.

Shortly after I went on maternity leave the second time, Bones (who was only just over two at the time) was talking to one of her dolls and said, "Do you want to go to bed? Do you want to go to bed? Well, SHUT UP!" I was shocked. Completely shocked. We don't talk like that to each other in my house so I had no clue where that had come from. I asked who said that word and she told me, "Daycare provider (DCP from now on) did." I was upset but figured it wouldn't be worth it to make a big deal about it. Bones was only two and wouldn't remember it, especially since she was never going back there again. And DCP was practically my sister's mother in law. I didn't want to rock the boat, I guess.

DCP's name comes up every now and then and Bones will bring up the "Shut up" thing sometimes. We've never mentioned it again, except to let her know when she brings it up that DCP shouldn't have said that because it wasn't nice.

Yesterday, my sister was over. She's still with DCP's son. She had to leave since she was going to DCP's for dinner. After she left, Bones, who is almost five now, and I had the following conversation.

Bones - Where did Auntie K go?
Me - She went to DCP's house.
B - DCP's house?
M - Yep.
B - I hope DCP doesn't yell at Auntie K.
M - (small fake chuckle here) Why would DCP yell at Auntie K?
B - Well, she yelled at me.
M - silent
B - She said, "Stop crying...there's nothing to cry about. Shut up!" But there WAS something to cry about!
M - What was there to cry about?
B - Because I didn't like her!

At this point, I sort of apologized for having to send her there...but I didn't want to get all dramatic about it and freak her out so we just dropped it at that point.

I felt sick to my stomach, though. In the grand scheme of things, someone telling my daughter to shut up is not that bad. I know that. There are children out there that are enduring unspeakable things. This just isn't that bad.

But it is. Because I remember her crying and crying as we were leaving her there. And I hated every second of it. It felt like I was being torn apart. But I left her there anyway. Because I thought she was just being a normal baby that didn't want to be separated from her parents. And I understood that. But I felt like I had no choice. I had to go back to work. So I left her there. And something bad happened to her. Something that, although small in the grand scheme, still stays with her almost three years later. It makes me sad.

Enough about that. I have to go and clean. What a mess!

Hope everyone had a nice Christmas :-)

Peace.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Silent Night

It's just after 11:00 p.m. My house is quiet except for the ticking of the dining room clock and the drone of the fan in the bedroom downstairs. It's dark except for the lights on the Christmas tree. And I feel peaceful. My husband is asleep. My girls are cozy and warm and safe in their beds. The cats are sleeping under the tree.

We have everything we need and more. I'm so thankful.

This is the life I've made for myself.

I love it.

Is it the holidays or is it something else?

I've been struggling the past couple of weeks. The past few days in particular. More than struggling, really. It's like I just curled up into a ball and am letting old habits have their way with me.

I've only had a couple of holiday type events so far, so I'm not sure that's what the problem is.

A year or so (or two?) ago I was seeing a therapist and we talked about how I've been able to lose weight in the past but how I never seem to make it past the 15 - 18 lb. mark. Which is where I am right now. We never really came to any sort of conclusions about that. Maybe I should have stayed in therapy! I just got sick of her telling me that my problem was that I was bored.

I'm too tired to think about this right now, though.

Just so you know, I'm not giving up. I may be backsliding a bit right now...but I'm not giving up.

Never give up.

Friday, December 19, 2008

I can see clearly now...

why people gain an average of 11 pounds over the holidays! I'm getting to point where I don't even care if I lose any weight. I just don't want to gain any!

I need to make time to exercise. I MUST. It will make all the difference. I'm very overweight, but I'm still quite healthy and strong so I can exercise at a high intensity. I'm lucky that way. I know people who are less overweight than I am but are unable to walk around the block without taking a break. I'm pretty tough...

So, there's that.

Also...holy smokes, lady! Plan a menu, why don't you???? I didn't plan my menus for this week and never did make it to the grocery store.. Fail to plan? Plan to fail. I'm not even going to go into detail on why that applies on so many levels this week! Suffice it to say, I will be hitting the grocery store sometime TODAY!

Phew! Feels good to get that out there.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Falling back (emotionally) on this morning's numbers

I was up .8 today. But I know that the reason I am up is because I ate over my points this week. And I didn't exercise as much as I should have. So a gain is not at all unexpected. I have to work at this. There is no way around it. I WANT to work at this. I'm doing really well. REALLY well. And I'm not stopping; I'm just getting warmed up!

NSV (much needed today!) - I had to order an XL work belt in April of 2008 because my large belt didn't fit anymore. It was embarrassing. Today, I officially switched back to a large! How funny...I'm excited about wearing a large!

I can't wait until it's a medium!

18/82

Tis the season

I have a work pot-luck Christmas luncheon today. I was worried about it until I remembered that tonight is weigh in at Weight Watchers. If that's not motivation, I don't know what is!

I know I shouldn't, but I weigh myself at home every Wednesday morning. Just so that I can have an idea of which way the scale is going to go that evening. Today was a good number. So even if, for some reason, the numbers are not what I'd like to see this evening, I know that I'm still moving in the right direction. It's like, if I happen to gain tonight at WW, I can always (emotionally) fall back on this morning's number. Weird, I know!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

My Own Worst Enemy (It's a t.v. show too!)

Yesterday went well. Except for the salt and vinegar chips that my husband gave me that may or may not have put me a point or two over for the day. But I'll take it! Today is going well, also. It's almost dinner, we're having homemade pizza, and I'm doing just fine for points.

I have to say, last night I very nearly blew it. I was downstairs watching "My Own Worst Enemy", it was getting late and I was the only one still up. There was a voice...not a voice exactly, but a feeling...that I should just go upstairs and find something to eat. Something bad. And a lot of it! I started to feel like it really didn't matter what I did. I started to feel like I didn't want to fight anymore. Like I wanted to give up.

I feel like that a lot. But more and more I'm able to pep talk myself out of it and when I can't talk myself out of it I'm more and more likely to say, "Well, tough luck buddy! The answer is no and that's it. Quit even thinking about it!" Which is what I had to do last night. I looked in my WW book for a 0 point snack and had that before I went to bed. It was all good. :-)

So, there you go. If you're struggling and a pep talk won't work, pretend you're talking to a 4 year old! And put your foot down!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Oatmeal raisin cookies

I had to make some cookies for a tea party the girls are going to tomorrow. The recipe I had made WAY too many. So I've been eating a lot of them...

They're good...and so bad!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Holy crap!

The new dvd I mentioned the other day? It's Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred...and holy crap! The workouts are only 20 minutes long but they are HARD. I just finished the easiest level, doing the modifications for beginners and both my arms and legs are still shaking! Yikes! I'm going to be sore tomorrow!

I have absolutely no doubt that this is classified as HIGH intensity.

Ouch.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

What's different?

If this blog is ever going to help anyone else, a couple of things have to be present. First, I'm going to have to be successful. That's a no brainer. But I think I'm also going to have to articulate why this time was different.

Is it different? I hope so. I'm staying positive, that's the main thing. I'm not making excuses. I'm medicated! I think that's made a big difference.

But I don't know. I always feel hopeful in the beginning. Then again, this is the most weight I've lost in a long time. And I still feel like I'm going strong. I'm trying to follow the advice I've read in several places over the past couple of weeks. Christmas is a holiDAY not a holiWEEK. Cheesy? Yeah...but pretty true nonetheless. Usually by now I'd have already started. I would have had my annual cookie exchange party and then my husband and I would have eaten all the cookies by ourselves before Christmas! I decided not to have the party this year. Sure, it's fun. But would it have been worth it? I don't think so. Do I feel deprived? Not at all.

So, what's different? Is it just because this time I'm truly NOT looking for the magic book, article, recipe or plan? Maybe. Is it because I came to the realization that there is only one thing that will work and that is to eat less, eat right and move more? I really think that's it. That and my vow to never give up.

Never give up.

Plan for today

Today I have to clean out my fridge. I have some leftovers in there that need to be thrown out. I'm also going to plan dinners for the next couple of weeks and make my shopping list. Then, maybe, I'll make some beef barley soup. Mmmm...beef barley. It's cold and snowy and windy here and a nice hot bowl of soup would probably feel pretty good. I really hope I have barley!

I should probably also organize my desk.

Time to get cracking!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

My first gain

And I can live with it. Mainly because I don't even have to change my pounds lost/pounds to go thingy.

Up .2

Now it's a fresh start with a whole new Weight Watchers program. Momentum, they call it. I love it when things are fresh and new and we got some fresh new materials tonight. Not much has changed...but I'm all about a clean slate. And this time, there was only a gain of .2 before the slate was wiped instead of a gain of 35.

I also bought a new workout dvd. Fresh and new.

So. I'm making gains all around, wouldn't you say?

19/81

Hey...self!

You are probably going to have a gain this week. It's okay. It's partly water...you've been drinking a fair amount today and nothing is coming out. Your monthly visitor is here. You've been sick. Please, don't do anything crazy like giving up over one gain. You've worked really hard and have come a long way. If you work at it, it'll be gone by next week. Just breathe.

We shall see...

I really don't know what to expect tonight. If it's good, I'm going to be grateful. If it's not good, I'm not going to freak out.

I haven't exercised at all this week due to the cold. And my eating habits have been about the same...not perfect, not nearly as bad as before.

So. I don't know.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Yuck

I'm sick. And moving into the hurting chest, painful coughing, gross phlegm portion of the show. And I'm supposed to go with Bonsie's class on her very first ever field trip to a farm. I'm not missing that.

That's all for now.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Sometimes it's not as bad as you think

Tracking your food/points is a big part of WW. It's important to track. It helps keep you on the right path. But even when you're not exactly on the right track, journalling your food intake is important. It's important so that you can look back and see where you went wrong so that you can plan and prepare so that it doesn't happen again. So that when you don't see the numbers you want at weigh-in, you know why.

But here's another reason to do it.

Sometimes it's not as bad you think. For the past couple of days I haven't been keeping track of my food. I haven't been keeping track in my journal, that is. I've been keeping track in my head. Now, granted, I've been known to forget eating entire meals...but I don't think I have this time. But I do remember eating jelly beans ( a lot of them ) and gingerbread ( I made gingerbread men from a kit with the girls today...why, oh why, didn't I check the points value of those evil suckers before we made them??) and pizza. It sounds bad, doesn't it? And I'll admit it wasn't great. But I'm only over for the two days by 5 points. I still may want a snack later on (the plan is popcorn) so I'll be using a few more Flex Points. But if you'd have asked me to guess, I would have told you that I was about 20 points into my Flex. And I was feeling the same old feelings of failure. And I wasn't planning on counting. I was planning on throwing caution to the wind and eating even more! But I made a commitment this time to keep at it, no matter what. So, I decided to count. And now that I know it wasn't so bad, that I haven't done any damage, I'm able to stay on track. It's all head games with me. But it is what it is.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. It makes sense to me. But I'm tired and the middle of a stupid cold...so I may not be making tons of sense.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Are you ready for it?

Success stories all seem to have some things in common. The one that gets to me the most is when they say, "I was just ready to do it. You have to be ready and when you're ready the weight will come off."

Pardon? Oh, I'm ready! I've been ready for a long time! I was born ready. Seriously, I used to wonder what the heck that meant. But I get it now. I was equating readiness with wanting. I wanted it. I wanted it bad. I wanted to be thin more than anything. I really thought that I'd be happier if I was thinner. If wanting badly was enough, I'd have been thin a long time ago. Wanting does not equal readiness.

So what does it mean, then, to be ready?

I believe my "turning point" came one day when I was out for a walk on my lunch break. I blogged about it, actually. I didn't go into a lot of detail in my post, but the thing I remember the most about that walk is the realization that there is no magic pill. Nobody is going to do this for me. I can buy every diet book, magazine and pill there is and none of it will work because the only that works is, well, work. I came to the conclusion that I needed to eat less and move more. And that it was going to suck. It wasn't going to be fun. And it would come off so slowly and I would get so frustrated.

But at the same time, I felt optimistic. Because for the first time in a long time, I thought I just might be able to do it. For the first time in a long time, I had hope.

Now I'm not saying this is what ready means for everyone. I can (and did!) list many other reasons why I'm motivated to lose weight and possibly it's the combination of all of those things that keeps me going. I don't know. I don't have the answer. And I have a long way to go, yet. I'm sure I'll stumble. But it feels right this time.

I do know one thing that all of the people who have successfully lost weight have in common, though. They never gave up.

Never give up.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Yesterday's Pity Party

So, I usually don't like to get all, "Wah wah, my childhood sucked, poor me." But it was late, I was tired and sick and I guess my defenses were down. The fact is, my childhood was mostly okay. There were a couple of years when it super-sucked!! And those years have caused me issues I'm sure I'm not even aware of, but I'm okay. I'm a reasonably intelligent, well-liked, mostly happy kind of person. So...yeah. We won't go there again for awhile!

Down 1.6

That's a total at WW of 13, overall total of 19. :-)

19/81

From work

I don’t have high hopes for tomorrow’s WI. I know, I say that every week! I mean it every week, too. But this week for sure, I’m not expecting anything. I had the food frenzy days right in the middle of the week (the WW week, that is…), I’ve only worked out twice this week and I’m sick. I don’t really know what being sick has to do with it. I just know it makes me feel crappy and fat! I suppose if I work out tomorrow that’ll be three days this week, which is not horrible. It’s not the five days of exercise that I had planned but it’s more than I used to get.

Am I really going to feel like working out tomorrow, though? I’ll likely still be sick. And I’m coming off an evening shift. Conditions are not exactly conducive to an early workout. We’ll see. I’d love to use the fact that I’m sick as an excuse to let it slide but I’ve heard that exercise can actually boost immunity, even in the short term. In fact, I just read this on about.com “During moderate exercise immune cells circulate through the body more quickly, and are better able to kill bacteria and viruses.” The benefits of exercise on the immune system increase when exercise is regular over a long period of time. So…want the cold to hurry up and go away? Do some moderate exercise.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Tonight...

went well. It's going on 2 a.m. and I'm heading to bed. Well within points for today, I might add. Tomorrow is the real test. Bonsie has school so there's no sleeping in for me! I'll be up in five and a half hours. I'll just have to keep busy and try to get Berio to nap in the afternoon (so I can steal a couple of zzzzz).

Yawn!!!

Monday, December 1, 2008

It all started with a hot chocolate

I am so cranky! My poor girls are well aware, too. Although I do try to keep it in check.

Anyway...I was trying to remember what triggered my downward spiral into old habits and I have to say, I think it was the hot chocolate!

Tim Horton's has a special candy cane hot chocolate on during the holidays. I'm not really a hot chocolate person, but it sounded so festive! I was going out shopping on Saturday and I thought I might indulge while I was out by myself. Then I figured out the points. SIX! Six points for some hot chocolate. No way was I going to do that! Not worth it by a long shot.

So, I'm driving to the mall and I'm thinking about what I'd already eaten that day. I'd had WW pancakes for breakfast and a salad for lunch. I was doing really well on points and figured I'd go ahead and treat myself. Even using 6 points, I should have had plenty of points left for dinner. And if not, well, that's what those Flex points are for...right?

But here's something I forget again and again. Sugar makes me crave. It makes me crave more sugar in any form. Chocolate, candy, pasta, bread...you name it. And I lose control. And that's exactly what happened.

And here's the kicker. The candy cane hot chocolate? Not that hot...not six points hot, anyway. It was in a SMALL cup (8 oz, I think) and I guess they'd put whipped cream on it but it dissolved by the time it got to me and so all that was left was empty space in my cup! I'll bet I actually only had about 6 oz of hot chocolate. At one point per oz! Actually, I'm pretty sure it was 6 points for the medium...but when I got home and checked it was still 5 points for the small. Ridiculous!

Something to note for next time.

I need a plan today.

The past couple of days have not been great. I haven't exercised and I bet (if I counted!!) that I've eaten enough points to last me until weigh in. I don't even think I'm exaggerating. I'm not here to whine about that, though! I'm here because I need a plan for today. If I try to wing it I'm more likely to give in to cravings...which I will definitely have after the couple of days that I've had.

So, here's the plan.

The first thing I'm going to do is fill up my water bottle.

And heres the menu:
Breakfast: Oatmeal sounds good for today. I like the steel cut kind.
Snack: 1 apple with tbsp peanut butter.
Lunch: Spinach and mushroom salad with grilled chicken. (I keep some chicken, already grilled, in the freezer)
Snack: Fruit of some kind.
Dinner: Not 100% sure about this yet. Dh printed a WW recipe and I'm not sure if that was for today or not. It's a 10 pt recipe. So it's either that or chicken and dumplings (also a WW recipe).
Snack: I'm working tonight so I MUST have a snack before I leave work. I'm thinking popcorn. And a yogurt just before I come home at 1:00.

I'm also going to do 2 of the 20 minute workouts from the new WW dvd.

Okay. So that's it. That will get me back in the right frame of mind. By the end of today, I'll be ready for some smooth sailing. Here we go!



P.S. I went grocery shopping the other day and I grabbed three 5 lb bags of carrots to see how heavy it was. It was heavy! I've lost 2 lbs more than that! Yay me!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Weigh in

Unexplainably down 3.2 at WW tonight.

And I think I pulled a muscle in my stomach doing Wii Boxing. I feel kind of pathetic even typing that. :-)

It's 10:20 and I just sat down. And now I have to go and figure out the points for the lasagna that I just made.

17/83

Monday, November 24, 2008

Give me strength

A message board that I frequent has a thread going on about plane fares and how obese people should pay for two seats. My view on the issue isn't important. What's important is that threads like these always bring out the "Quite your whining and just stop eating so much and get off your fat ass" crowd.

I hate that.

Until you've fought this fight you have no idea how hard it is. You have no idea how much more there is to it than just not eating. You have no idea.



EDIT - I think I was the only one getting worked up. It's a dead thread now.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Can I do it?

My mini goal is to make it to 10 lbs this week at WW. That means I'd like to lose 1.8 lbs this week. Totally doable, right? Here's the thing, I've been tracking everything I've been eating and I'm over a bit so far this week. I've used all my FPs. I'm having a hard time drinking my water, getting in my fruits and veggies and making time to exercise. I start the day eating carbs (toast or cereal) without including a fruit in there. My snacks tend to be crackers, cereal bars or WW 1 or 2 point bars instead of raw veggies and fruit (or even lean protein).

I believe this is setting me up to fail. I'm a carb junkie and I would eat nothing but carbs if I had my way. I have to change that. Eating a diet that consists mostly of carbs (even the good ones!) is not a healthy balanced diet. It doesn't provide all of the nutrients that I need to remain healthy. I need to be healthy.

I'll admit, I'm partially doing this for the sake of vanity. I mean, let's face it, who doesn't want to look good? But the fact is, if it were just about looking good...if that were enough...I'd have done this a long time ago. Looking good isn't enough of a motivator for me.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm in a fight for my life here. I really believe that. Obesity increases the risk of heart disease, stroke, diabetes, cancer, liver disease, gallbladder disease, breathing problems, arthritis and on and on and on. And the more overweight you are, the more likely you are to experience one or more of the above. I'm only 37 and I'm already seeing the ill effects of being fat. At the rate I'm going, I may not make it to see my girls graduate from high school, get married or have babies of their own. I'll pass my deathly dangerous habits on to them and they will also die early deaths. This is practically guaranteed if I don't do something about the state of my health.

So. Can I do this? You bet I can. I have to.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Struggling

Someday, will this whole eating right and exercising bit come naturally to me? I hope so. I get so tired of having to fight all the time.

Sigh.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Numbers games

I'm down .8 this week for a total at WW of 8.2. My mini goal for next week is to make it to 10 WW lbs. (for a total of 16).

If I make that goal, I'll only be .8 away from dropping a WW point (for anyone reading this that isn't familiar with WW, that means that I will have dropped into the next lowest ten - e.g. from the 190s to the 180s...I wish!).

According to my own bathroom scale, I'm already there. According to my own bathroom scale the total amount of weight that I've lost so far is already 17 lbs. Obviously, I like that number the best ;-) However, I'm trying not to weigh myself at home because if I fall into that trap...well, let's just say these numbers games that I play with myself have the potential to ruin all of my hard work.

So. Here's what I'm going to do. I know what my highest ever weight is. And I know what WW says I weigh now. And those are the numbers I'll be using. My bathroom scale will catch up soon enough :-)

Numbers games. See what I mean?

14/86

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Blogger slacker

Yeah, I know I've been neglecting my blog for the past few days. But really, there's not a lot going on right now! I'm doing fine on WW. Neither perfect nor blowing it, so there's nothing terribly blog worthy there...

WI is tomorrow evening and I really don't know what to expect. Like I said I haven't been perfect but I've been a million times better than my pre-WW self. I don't know. We'll see. I feel pretty good though, all numbers aside. I do have more energy. My skin looks better, too. Must be all that water :-)

I'm also going to have to start mentally preparing myself. I'm going to get to a point where I look great in clothes...but I may never look good naked. At least not without some kind of surgery. I got tons of stretch marks when I was pregnant and I just know that I'm going to have a lot of loose skin. I think I'm just genetically wired that way. But let's face it, I don't look that great naked now, so I might as well be healthy. Right? Oh, how I wish I hadn't have done this to myself. Oh well...can't change the past.

On with the day!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Just so you know

Yesterday went well. Really well. I struggled all stinkin' day long but I didn't give in and ended up within points and with 40 minutes on the treadmill for the day.

Oh yeah.

Friday, November 14, 2008

What the hell??

Everything was going fine yesterday. Really, it was. I was rushed by the time I was getting ready for work and so I didn't have time to make my dinner. No big deal. I grabbed some fruit and a cereal bar to have for snacks and figured I'd just grab something healthy for dinner from Wendy's or Subway or something. I love chili and a baked potato from Wendy's and it's SO filling. And you really can't go wrong with a sub loaded with veggies. That was the plan.

I got to work and I was fine.

Then my boss' assistant (AA) asked me to help him with something that is 100% his job. I'd helped him before, you see. I was noncommittal - I didn't say I wouldn't do it...didn't say I would but after the office cleared out and there was just my partner and myself left, I started to think about it and I realized that AA was seriously taking advantage of the fact that I'd done something nice for him in the past. If I helped him again now, would he keep asking? He actually asked me on Friday, if I had time on the weekend to do it. And then 3 out of the past 4 evenings, he's reminded me at shift change that this task was still waiting for me. I like AA, I do. And I like to help others, really. But this rubbed me the wrong way.

I had a couple of donut holes.

I called my husband to chat and suddenly, I realized that I was close to tears. He wasn't saying anything upsetting. But, you know how, when you're upset and trying to hold back the tears and someone gives you a hug and the flood gates open and you simply can't stop yourself from crying? It was like that. I didn't tell him what was bothering me on the phone.

I ate a donut.

I decided to email my husband about what happened. His reply didn't really address my problem. I completely understood why. Bones has had diarrhea for a couple of weeks (no other symptoms) and he was talking about that. But that didn't help me at that moment.

I started to plan what I was going to have for dinner. At first, I was looking in my WW Restaurant Guide, checking the points of everything. But my mood was dropping by degrees. And quickly.

I ordered Chinese food.

When I went out to pick up my food, there was a war going on inside my head. A voice was yelling, "STOP! You're never going to get anywhere if you keep doing the same things over and over!" "Why can't you just stick to something for once?" "Why do you even try?"

I stopped and picked up some chips and a chocolate bar.

I'd love to tell you that I came to my senses and cancelled my food order and didn't eat the junk food. I'd love to tell you that, but I can't.

The battle is on again today. It started first thing this morning. So far I'm winning. But I don't for how much longer. I'm so tired of this. So tired, period.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Oh yeah!

I almost forgot. I was down 1.6 at WI yesterday.

13/87

Some thoughts on being fat

I'm embarrassed to tell people that I'm trying to lose weight. I know I need to lose weight. They know I need to lose weight. What's the big deal about telling people I'm trying? I think it's because there might be someone out there that isn't aware of the fact that I'm more than a hundred pounds overweight and if I mention that I'm on a diet they might suddenly realize that I'm fat! What's that expression about the elephant in the room? Hardy har har.

The same goes for exercise. I don't like to talk about the exercise that I do. Same reason, I think...or maybe I think people are judging me. "Yeah...okay there Lisa, it really looks like you've been spending a lot of time on that treadmill of yours" as they inwardly roll their eyes at me.

This is such an issue for me that I don't even like bringing salads to work because I think that people are thinking I'm some kind of fake.

The thing is, in every other area of my life, I really am that person that just doesn't care what people think. Don't like my clothes? Don't look. Don't like my hair? Good thing it's not yours. Don't like the way I parent my girls? I don't like the way you parent either...deal with it.

I had an ex-boyfriend that I was with for 7.5 years. He never knew how much I weighed (um..but it was 70 - 80 lbs less than I am now) and he once said to me, "I know the size of your body and I like it. Do you think I'm suddenly going to stop loving you if I know the actual number?" As a matter of fact, that IS what I thought. Strange.

My husband knows how much I weigh. How else could I share every last gain or loss of every last ounce with him? I'm quite sure he appreciates it. ;-) And he loves me very much.

Another thing...I mentioned this to my husband in an email the other day. I have two daughters, ages 2.5 and 4.5 (he knows that part). Before I got pregnant with Bones, I weighed around 35 lbs less than I do now. During the past five years, including pregnancies, I gained and lost that 35 lbs a couple of times. Then after Berio was born, I had a particularly difficult time with PPD and increased meds and such, and the 35 lbs came back for the last time. And it stayed. Until now. But now, even though I've lost 13 lbs altogether, and I think that's great, for some reason I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything. I feel like I'm not even getting started until I get back to where I was pre-babies. It's tricky because it's difficult to maintain motivation when you feel like you don't even get to start the journey for another 22 lbs.! I'm working on changing my thinking there but it's hard.

Weird huh?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

My dream job

I'm not sure, but I think I'd really enjoy being a nutritionist or a personal trainer or something. Although, if I had a lot of clients that were like me - someone who didn't listen and didn't listen and didn't listen and just didn't get it for 20 years - I might lose it!!! But, the ones where it just clicked and they got it...that would make it all worthwhile, right?

What would you do if you could anything in the world?

Note to self

I have more energy for those crappy evening shifts if I eat right and exercise.

Also, tonight is weigh in. It hasn't even been a full week since I weighed in last time, I just started AF and I'll be weighing in in the evening instead of the morning. All of these things have the potential to cause the scale to either not move or move in the wrong direction but I've been doing everything right...so if that happens REMEMBER!! It's only temporary!!! DO NOT PANIC!!!

Do. Not. Panic.


P.S. Do this, or you could literally die. Think about that for a minute.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Weight Watchers Workout

So when I joined WW 4 weeks ago, I bought the deluxe member kit that comes with some books, a 3 month tracker, some coupons and a dvd. The DVD is called "Start Getting Healthy" and it has three sections. Eat Well, Move Smart and Work Out. I haven't watched the first two sections yet, but I decided to do the workout today. It's a 30 minute, medium intensity workout (although if you added extra hand weights and made bigger movements it could easily be more of a med/high workout) and since I just had to follow along there was not a lot of thinking involved! That's a good thing when I'm coming off evening shift.

I liked it. It was 3 circuit workouts, meaning that you start off with one movement and then add others to it and by the end of the circuit you're doing sort of a short routine. It almost feels like dancing, in a way. I guess they're about 10 minutes each plus a short warm up and cool down.

I calculated my APs and it was right on the line between two and three. I think I'm supposed to count it as two when that happens but as a reward to myself for 1) working out, 2) working out with the girls (literally at some points) hanging off my legs and 3)working out two days in a row, I'm going to count it as three.

I'm a rebel like that. ;-)

2:24

This is probably what does me in the most. I'm heading to bed now and I'll likely have to be up in 6 hours (if I'm lucky). And if I'm really lucky, Berio won't wake up and start singing for an hour at 3 in the morning...

Not enough sleep sucks ass.

Monday, November 10, 2008

NSV!

One of the reasons I struggle so badly on evening shifts is because my day is so full that it's hard to find the time to exercise. On day shifts, I can go and walk on my treadmill or play Wii Fit after Berio is in bed. Hubs will watch a movie with Bones or something until it's time for her to go to bed and if I'm not done working out, will put her to bed. It's not hard to find time.

When I'm working evenings, from the time I get up until the time I go to work, I'm with the girls. I can't go downstairs to the treadmill and/or Wii because the girls are 2 and 4 and I can't just tell them to look after themselves! I can't take them with me...the downstairs is not exactly kid proof. Bones would be fine, but Berio? Well, let's just say my workout would consist of chasing her around! It's too cold to bike. I could bundle everyone up and take them for a walk, but they don't like riding in the stroller for any length of time these days. And letting them walk means I'd have to walk for hours for it to do much good. It's hard. And I don't like things that are hard.

So, today...I had all of these same challenges and yet I managed to get in a 20 minute lower body/ab workout! Yay! That's 2 APs today :-)

What did I do? Well, my computer is in the living room. So I logged onto Youtube and searched for Sparkpeople workouts. They have quite a few on there. I did two lower body ones and one ab one. Bones joined me for part of one and then the girls went to jump on Berio's bed (it's still just a mattress on the floor - it's practically not even dangerous!) while I finished. Ta Daaaa!

Now I just need to figure out how to nap with both of them here ;-)

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Evenings

I've got four evening shifts coming up starting tomorrow. I hate these shifts! I'm always tired and cranky and I don't eat right. Yuck.

One day at a time. Plan. Plan. Plan. It'll be okay.

P.S. So, uh, I'm working on the second tenth of my 100 pounds...Cool, huh?

Friday, November 7, 2008

Well, what do you know?

So, I decided to get on the scale today. Face the music. Be accountable. All that jazz. I talked it over with my husband and I told him that I was afraid to get on the scale because when I saw that I had gained weight, it would throw me into a tailspin (mainly because I'm already emotional due to PMS) and it wouldn't help anything. And he suggested that I probably needed to learn some new coping skills and it might be a good idea to get weighed and see if I could start to figure it out. I agreed. I made sure that I was wearing my lightest clothing (my weigh-in clothes!) and off I went. I stepped on the scale and waited.

"You're down 2.8." the receptionist said.

WHAT???? Down 2.8? Are you serious? Alright...I'll take it. But I assure you, after the few days I've had, I don't deserve it. I have some theories. Last week I was only down .8 and I think maybe I was retaining water. So some of this is actually weight that I lost the previous week. And, this is going to catch up with me next week! Especially since I weighed in late this week and my regular meeting is on Wednesday. That's only 5 days. But, I'm hoping I'll be more emotionally equipped to deal with any less than stellar results then!

So. I'm more than one tenth of the way there. Imagine that.

12/88

Two things

1. Thank heavens for the free pass. I will be using it today.

2. AF (Aunt Flo, my read haired aunt, T.O.M, whatever you want to call it) better get here soon or I'm gonna freakin' LOSE IT!!!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Conversations with a four year old

Bones came into the kitchen yesterday while I was making supper.

Bones: Mom, can I have a cookie?
Mom: No sweetie, supper is in 15 minutes.
B: Pleeeeeeeze!
M: I said no.
B: How about an apple...can I have an apple?
M: Dinner is in 15 minutes. You can wait.
B: (Making the crying face) Just ONE apple?
M: Sigh! No. You can wait until supper. I don't want you to spoil your appetite.
B: What's an appetite?
M: It's when you feel like eating. If I give you an apple now, you won't feel like eating your supper.
B: Yes, I will!!!
M: No. Wait 15 minutes and then you can eat as much supper as you want, okay?
B: Listen, Mom. I'm going to go pee and while I'm gone you get an apple and cut it up. I'll eat it when I come back and then I'll run around and use it up and then at supper time I'll still have an appetite!
M: I'm not going to talk about this any more! Go pee if you have to go.
B: Do it, Mom!
M: No...go pee.
B: YES...DO IT!!
M: No!

And this carried on for a few minutes until 15 minutes had actually gone by and supper was ready.

You want to know something? My relationship with food is so messed up, that I don't even know if I was being reasonable or not. I know the "experts" say that you should let your children decide when they're hungry and let them eat what they want (provided it's something nutritious) and believe me, this is what's going through my head when I'm telling Bonsie that she can't eat. And I'm feeling this weird irrational guilt for making the poor child go for 15 minutes without food. But I just want her to eat her supper!! Is that so bad?

I'm terrified of passing my food crazy on to her and Berio. I don't want them to grow up and have to fight this stupid battle! I want their bodies to be healthy and fit and their minds and hearts to be free and happy. We haven't banned any food from their plates. They get treats (sometimes too many, if my husband has anything to say about it!) but they also love their fruits and veggies. They're probably not as active as they should be...simply because I'm not as active as I should be - but I'm working on that. I don't know.

I just hope I don't mess them up too badly! :-)

Sunday, November 2, 2008

p.s.

Do you have any idea how much I'm going to have to exercise when I really start to lose weight so that I can continue to eat as much as I do now? How can a person even live off of 18 - 20 points per day???

This is where someone tells me we'll cross that bridge when we get there....anyone??

Working on it

I was on my way home from work today and I was thinking about something I learned when I was seeing a therapist (one of the many things I've tried in my struggle to lose weight). I was thinking about how when the going gets tough, Lisa gets going...and not in a good way! What I mean is, I don't like to do things that I'm not already good at because, as cliche as it sounds, I'm afraid of failure. I get out of doing things that I'm not naturally good at by procrastinating and avoiding. If it's too hard, I give up. I start finding excuses to get out of doing whatever it is that I'm trying to avoid. Or, as you can see from this blog, when things start to go bad I don't come around. I avoid.

Weight loss is my biggest challenge to date. And it's HAAAAARD!! And when I start to slip, instead of increasing my efforts I just give up. I stop blogging, stop tracking my food, stop trying. I make excuses.

I'm not a natural when it comes to weight loss and when I get to my goal, I won't be a natural at keeping it off. That's just the way it is. I'm going to have work at this. I'm going to have to work hard at this. And when I start to slip - and I will - I have to remind myself that I don't have to be perfect at this. A slip up is not a failure, the only failure is giving up. And I will not give up.

Never. Give. Up.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Well, that was ugly

Yesterday was a bad food day. I couldn't even tell you how many points I had because I didn't count. But, I was in a rush in the morning so I had a couple of sweet and salty granola bars for breakfast...3 points each. Then I had a 1 point WW chocolate bar. Then on the way home from Bones' Halloween party I ate a few of her mini chocolate bars - 2 points each. And this is where it gets scary! I was feeling so tired and not in a I-didn't-get-enough-sleep-last-night kind of way. It was more of a my-whole-entire-body-feels-like-lead thing. I've had this feeling before. It's the feeling I get when I've eaten crap all day and I'm depressed (what comes first the binge or the depression?) All I want to do is crawl into my bed and sleep.

In an effort to stop the madness, I reheated some chicken and whole wheat pasta that we'd had for dinner the day before and ate that just before lunch. But for some reason, when it was time to pick Bones up at lunch time, I decided to drive to get her and then take the girls to McDonald's. And I was planning on getting myself some LARGE combo since I already felt like crap. We were in the drive thru when I came to my senses and I ordered a kid's meal for the girls to share with an extra order of nuggets (also for them to share since they couldn't decide between a cheeseburger and nuggets) and for myself...a coffee. I still felt like crap, though. We got home and I ended up eating part of their lunch. I wasn't doing it mindfully. I was back in out of control mode.

In the afternoon I ate more mini chocolate bars. I probably ate ten or so. And wouldn't you know it, there were four kinds in the box, and I only ate the ones that were 2 points instead of the ones that were 1 point!

We were making pita pizzas for dinner but we were out of olives so I said I'd go to the store. And of course, I battled the urge to get food to eat in my van...a quick burger, an order of the delicious (deep fried) spring rolls from the restaurant in the mini-mall that I was at or something from the grocery store bakery. I did none of that. I did buy a small bag of chips and ate most of those. I came home and had a couple of pita pizzas and finally at around 11:00 pm I had a skinny cow chocolate popsicle thing.

I think that about covers it.

I'm not sure what that was all about. I think I'm back in control today. I hope so. We'll see.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

.8 down

I was feeling down because it wasn't enough but I gave myself a stern talking to on the way home (literally...I hope people in the other vehicles didn't notice!) . I've lost three pounds in the two weeks that I've been in WW and I've lost 9 pounds in total. That's almost 10 pounds! That's only 1 pound away from being one tenth of the way to my goal! That's GREAT!!!

And if I keep saying it, maybe my incredibly stubborn brain will start to believe it!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Apprehensive

I'm worried about tonight's weigh in. I was within points every day this week except for the baby shower day. I didn't even count that day :o And I know that might not even make a difference (this week!) but I still feel heavy today. And I'm sure that even if I didn't lose this week, I'll probably lose next week as long as I keep at it but I'm scared. Scared that if I don't see results I'll quit. And only two weeks in...that'll be such a blow to my self-esteem. Because even worse than not losing weight is failing at yet another try at this weight loss thing...

I wish I knew how to fix my stupid head.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Yikes!

I'm hosting a baby shower tomorrow. There are going to be some yummy high point foods there. I'm trying the Olive Cheese Bread recipe from the Pioneer Woman. That alone is dangerous :D

The plan is to have a good helping of the fresh veggies that will be here and then to use good judgement for the rest. I'll let you know how it goes!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

So far, so good

I have one evening shift left and so far, I've done pretty good. I lost control a couple of times after work, but didn't do any damage. I used some of my weekly points allowance and am still well within my limits.

And my uniform is definitely fitting better :D

Friday, October 24, 2008

A test

I've said it before and I'll say it again...the evening shift (4 p.m. to 1 a.m.) kicks my butt! We ended up working a little late last night so by the time I actually left work it was after 1:30. I live close to work so I was home by 1:50ish but it wasn't until 2:40 that I went to bed. Then...do you think I could sleep??? If you said no, you're right! I refused to look at the clock but I'm sure I was awake (or half awake) for at least an hour after that. And then up for the day at about 7:40. I'm so tired I can barely think. I'm not even exaggerating.

So, the test. Normally when I'm this tired all of my resistance is down. I have no energy or desire to plan and prepare healthy food. Normally, I binge on days like this. And the binge makes me feel even more tired and sluggish. And guilty and like a failure. But not today. Today, I recognize that I'm tired and that this is a dangerous place for me to be, diet-wise. Today, I'm going to make extra certain to take my meds, drink my water and journal every bite. I'm going to plan my meals and snacks right now and I'm going to prepare as much of them as I can right now. And this afternoon, if I can, I'm going to try and sneak in a power nap (contingent on the cooperation of my 2 and a half year old!) to help me get through the day.

I'd love to say that I'll make it an early night, but sadly, I'm working this evening too. I'll get in a good nap tomorrow, hopefully!

*YAWN!!*

My uniform...

Is feeling a little less snug today. Still tighter than I'd like, but less than before. All in my head? Perhaps. But if so, it's about time my head played tricks in my favour! ;-)

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

2.2 pounds

That's how much I lost my first week back at WW. That puts me at 8 down, 92 to go altogether.

I have to say, I was expecting a much bigger loss. Usually that's the case on your first weigh in, no? But I'm going to take it. I'll tell you why...before I would have dwelled on the fact that it was "just" two pounds. I would have gotten frustrated with the fact that I had worked so hard, and for what? A measly two pounds! I would have stopped at the nearest fast food burger joint on the way home and would have tried my damnedest to undo what I had accomplished. I wouldn't have let myself celebrate the victory of losing those two pounds.

But guess what? That was me two pounds ago. The new me, the lighter me, realizes that every victory - whether it has to do with the scale or not - is a reason to celebrate! This two-pound-lighter version of me is not listening to that ridiculous negative voice in my head.

Instead, I'm feeling pretty stoked by the fact that I'm down two pounds! I'm thrilled by the fact that my WW leader is great! I love her...today she said, "When things aren't going your way, you can be miserable or you can be motivated!" That right there is WW gold, people. Gold. I'm loving that I haven't felt like I was starving at any point this week because I'm filling myself up with fresh fruits and vegetables and because I'm drinking my water. This is doable.

My biggest hurdle is my head. And knowing that is the biggest part of this battle.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Mmmmmm......

Pear slices with a vanilla yogurt "dip" = goooooooood snack!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Can I just say...

I'm not a fan of not being able to eat whatever the hell I want? Or rather, as much as I want...I eat too much junk, for sure. But I could live without it. My biggest problem is that I eat too much of everything else. I don't have a couple of pancakes for breakfast, I have four loaded with lots of butter and syrup. I don't have a salad for lunch, I have the big taco salad from Wendy's with taco chips, sour cream and cheese. For dinner, I make nutritious, healthy food and then I eat way too much. And then I eat it again in the evening. Just too much.

I know all the health rules. I know that eating five or six small meals per day is better than one big eat-fest from dinner until bedtime. I know what the so-called super foods are and why. I know that a balanced diet that's not too high in fat (but that includes the healthy fats found in nuts, avocado and fish) and contains adequate amounts of carbohydrates (the good whole grain stuff) and protein (lean cuts...and don't forget about the beans!) is the way to go. And I've changed a lot of things in my own kitchen. I do buy only lean ground beef and chicken. I buy whole wheat pasta, brown rice and multigrain bread. I make my own jam and sweeten it with honey. I buy peanuts only peanut butter. I try to limit foods with HFCS and buy trans fat free foods whenever I can.

I know the rules.

What I have a problem with is portion control. Even when I'm satisfied - no, make that FULL - I eat and eat. That's why I chose WW. With WW I can eat whatever I want. I'm not restricted in any way except for in the amount that I eat. And that's the part I need help with. It's only been a few days and already I'm struggling. I don't know. I expect perfection. I expect it to be easy. Logically I know that I'm not perfect and that two steps forward and one step back is still movement in the right direction but for some reason I still beat myself up when I "fail".

I'm not really done right now...but I can't concentrate. Berio is throwing a fit because it's bedtime and she's overtired.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Today's the day

My first WW meeting is today. I'm kind of excited. My husband is being so supportive and is sure that this is going to be it! I'm not so sure, but like I said before, I'm going to keep trying until I get it right.

It's like quitting smoking. I used to smoke. I started when I was around 17. At one time, I was smoking more than a pack a day! And I tried quitting many, many times. When I got pregnant with Bones, I quit but when she was born I started again. Not as much as before, but I was more than a casual smoker. Then I got pregnant with Berio. And, of course, I quit again. And when she was born I tried to take up smoking again, once...but it almost made me throw up! And when I even think of smoking too much, it makes me want to throw up! Yay!!! I just didn't quit quitting. That's what I'm going to do about this weight.

Never give up.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Waiting...

As you may have guessed by my previous post, I joined Weight Watchers. I don't know if this is the answer or not, but what I do know is that I can never give up. I need to try and try and try again until it clicks. And it will. In the meantime, I can only focus on my head and making sure that I realize that change takes time. And that there is no failure here only victories that are not always immediately apparent. I am moving forward.

However, I registered online and my first WW meeting isn't until tomorrow evening. I am not a patient person. But now, I wait.

Who knows, practicing patience might be a good thing.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Success Story

I've been having a difficult time lately. My life is not turning out as I thought it would. But as an exercise in positive thinking, I'm going to write my success story (a short version).

Cue wavy blur and dream sequence music.

Hi. My name is Lisa. I joined Weight Watchers for the last time in October 2008. It was Thanksgiving weekend, actually. I was at my all time highest weight, my relationship with my husband was strained, I didn't have the energy to look after my house or play with my kids. My work was suffering too. I was miserable. I felt that joining anything would be a waste of time and money but at the same time I knew I needed help. So, at the urging of my husband, I decided to keep trying and I joined WW. The difference this time was that I knew that it wasn't going to be smooth sailing all the time. The difference this time was that I knew that my very life was at stake. The difference this time was that I decided that no matter what I would never give up. Never. Give. Up.

I lost the first 20 pounds pretty quickly but then my weight loss evened out to a pretty steady two pounds per week. By the time my high school reunion came around late the following summer, I'd lost 80 pounds. I went to my reunion feeling beautiful and confident.

I noticed that people (both coworkers and the public) started taking me more seriously at work, too. I was offered my dream job that fall. It meant more money and more flexible hours. I love being able to tailor my schedule to make more time for my family and myself.

Most importantly, my relationship with my husband has never been better. We've reclaimed our energy and our zest for life. Our favourite thing to do these days is to relax in the hot tub with a glass of wine after a long day of playing outside with our girls.

I want to tell everyone that if I can do it, you can do it. I know the desperation that comes after years of trying and failing but the truth is you will succeed if you simply never give up.

Peace.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Still here...

But I'm in training this week for work. So no time for updates!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

3 days in a row

Yesterday I walked for 35 minutes on my dinner break at work.

Today, I did my lower body/ab workout.

I ate like crap, but meh! I'm so tired today (worked evenings and Bonsie had school this morning...) and I ALWAYS make bad choices when I'm this tired.

Saw my doctor today. He said the stomach cramps I've been having (that have been tapering off, actually) are likely the result of stopping Celexa. I'm to monitor the symptoms for awhile. He also explained that the sudden soreness in my knees is also probably due to stopping Celexa. It is a drug that is sometimes used for people with fibromyalgia so it does have some pain relief/anti-inflammatory properties (I guess??). Anyhow, I'm fat...so my knees are going to hurt. And now I don't have the Celexa to help with the pain. I'll live. That's just another motivator for me to lose weight.

Time to put Berio to bed!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Randoms

Upper body workout - Check!

I'm so tired! I worked until 1:30, was in bed by 2:30 and then had to get up at 7:30 to get Bones ready for school. Luckily, my husband is coming home at noon and I may be able to get in a nap before I have to go back to work.

My knees are so sore today. I have an appointment with my doctor on Thursday. I'm sure he's just going to tell me that it's not surprising that my knees are sore, given that I'm 100 pounds overweight but I'll tell him anyway. *sigh*

I'm on the phone with my mom right this second...she drains the life out of me. I know she's not well and I try to be compassionate but it's hard. I have mommy issues. I think I may have said that before.

I have to go and make lunch for the girls.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

My heart hurts

Bonsie started school last week. Today is her 4th day. The first few days she enjoyed it. She didn't cry when we dropped her off, she liked her teacher, all was good. Then, today, she tells me she's not going to school. I asked her why and she told me that there was too much sitting around at school. I chuckled and didn't think it was going to be a problem. Then, as we were leaving for the school she started crying. At first she said it was because she didn't get a chance to give her sister a kiss and a hug. I convinced her that she could do that at lunch. Then she reiterated her complaint about the fact that she had to do so much sitting at school. By the time we got to the school yard, she was stopping every few steps and begging me to turn around. She was crying and yelling, "Mommy, PLEASE, let's turn back! I don't want to go there! I don't want to go there!"

I have to tell you it was all I could do not to pick her up, hold her close and turn around right then and there for home.

When I was little there were many times (too many to count) when I didn't feel like I was on solid ground. Times when I didn't feel safe and secure. When I didn't feel like I was my parents' priority. And when I had Bones, I knew right then and there that I would do anything to make sure that she NEVER felt that way. I make sure that she takes it for granted that her world is secure.

In my head, I know that school is what's best for her and that she'll get used to it. In my head, I know that she'll learn and excel there. In my head, I know that they can teach her better than I could.

But in my heart, I feel like I just want to bring her home and keep her here and never let her out of my sight.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Can't sleep

I went to bed at around 11:40 last night. I lay there for about a half an hour before I finally fell asleep. My mind just goes and goes. It won't shut off. And it's not necessarily deep thoughts, either. Last night one of the things I was thinking of was Bonsie's snack.

This morning I woke up at 5:40. I started thinking (oddly enough, about school lunches again) and before I knew it, I'd been awake for 15 minutes. The alarm was going to go off at 6:45 and so I debated for 5 minutes on whether or not it was worth it to try and go back to sleep. I decided not.

The bright side, is that this gives me plenty of time to eat breakfast and make myself some healthy snacks and a lunch (what the heck is it with me and my obsession with snacks and lunches today??) since I'll be at work all day.

P.S. My knees are STILL sore.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

What we have here is a failure to communicate.

Ugh. My husband and I are having communication problems. It makes me sad. It seems like every day we're misunderstanding each other...sniping at each other...arguing with each other. It's frustrating and tiring and scary. We're not the same people we used to be and we're not making time to make sure we get to know the people we've become.

The only thing I know for sure is that we love each other very much. I hope that's enough to help us weather this phase.

And to my husband (he reads this blog sometimes...), at first read this post might not seem weight related but it is. Everything is. I'm not saying anything here that I haven't already said to you. I love you.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Why do I need to be in better shape, again?

We went to my hometown this weekend for my grandmother's burial. We got there Friday afternoon, checked into the hotel and then headed over to Dad's for dinner. Afterwards we all went outside and the kids started playing. Berio was playing hide and seek with her big boy cousins. I was keeping a close eye on her, she is only two after all, but I wasn't within grabbing distance - that would have given away her hiding place. Suddenly, she turned from the yard and bolted for the road. Now, my Dad lives in a small town on a quiet street, but even still when your two year old is running for the road something happens to you. I started running after her (no easy feat for someone of my size) and as I was running towards her I saw cars coming down the street from both sides! I screamed, "STOP!!!!" and kept running after her...she's fast! Luckily, all oncoming traffic saw her and stopped with plenty of room to spare. She was giggling away (GIGGLING!!) until I grabbed her, spun her around and yelled, "Don't you EVER run on the road again! When I tell you to stop, YOU STOP!!" I don't think that would have fazed her much, actually, except for the fact that somewhere in the middle of all this I began to dissolve into a crying mess which scared the crap out of her! Good!

My husband was right behind me and he yelled at her too...by then the poor thing was crying hard - snot and tears and hitched breath, the whole nine yards.

For the rest of the day I replayed that scene in my head over and over, thinking about what could have happened. It makes me want to throw up. If I were lighter and healthier, I would have caught her sooner. I know, I know...nothing happened to her. But still, the FACT is, if I were lighter and healthier, I would have caught her sooner.

My knees are still sore from the beating they took in that short run across the yard.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Sad day for me

My grandmother passed away last night. She was nearing 90 years old. Her death was not unexpected; she was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia several months ago and while she was there the doctors discovered that she had bone cancer.

I'm sorry to say I didn't know her well. In fact, I probably only met her ten or so times in my 37 years. Still, she was my Dad's mother and I'm very sad for him. I also realized that in mourning her passing, I mourn the loss of my last surviving grandparent and, in essence, my last chance to have the kind of relationship with a grandparent that I've only ever heard about. Sadly, the only grandparent I was ever around for any length of time was a child molester. Another story for another day, I guess.

Like I said, I didn't know her well, but here are some things that I do know. She was a caring woman who took in many foster children when she was a young married woman. In fact, she adopted four of them. She was really tiny, probably not even a hundred pounds and for most of her life she smoked like a chimney. I can picture her sitting at the kitchen table with her legs crossed (well, not crossed exactly...she did this weird thing where she wrapped on leg completely around the other) with streams of smoke rising around her. Complaining. Yeah, she was a big complainer. I'm not being disrespectful. I loved the fact that she was cranky! Well, I actually prefer to think of her as spirited. I always said that if I lived to be her age I would be the same way.

I'll miss you, Granny.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Couch to 5K

So, it is even possible for someone as heavy as I am to try this? We'll soon find out!! I have a perfectly good treadmill in my family room, a brand new pair of shoes, and (at this moment) the belief that if I start REALLY slowly, I just might do it.

I'll keep you posted. It's going to be pretty exciting in a watching-paint-dry kind of way!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Owie!

What the hell is up with my stomach lately???? Sheesh! Usually it starts cramping up soon after I've eaten, but not every time. And this time, there was no eating involved at all. I just went for a walk on my treadmill and it started about halfway through.

This sucks.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Grande non-fat decaf latte?

I was in a mood this evening. A foul, foul mood. My poor husband. Nothing he could say or do was right, in my mind. I tried not to show it, but I think he was starting to catch on. He's no dummy, that man of mine. Anyway, the second Berio stopped fussing in her room after I'd put her to bed, I started getting ready to go out. I was planning on dropping some books off at work for our mini-library (it's really just a couple of shelves near the back door where a few of us readers drop off our old books) and then, because I was in a foul, foul mood and wanted something to soothe my heart, I was going to drive thru Dairy Queen and get a Blizzard. I was going to drive to the marina, park my van and eat my Blizzard. I wanted the freezing cold ice cream to numb the pain that I'm in today. I wanted the sugar to drive me into a stupor so that I wouldn't have to think about how miserable I've become. And I have become quite miserable...

So, I dragged myself out the door, got into my van and started driving. First stop was supposed to be the office, but as I got closer I realized that I really wasn't in the mood to see anyone so I decided to scrap that idea. Next stop...Dairy Queen. Only I was still pretty full from dinner. Normally that wouldn't stop me. When you're using food to avoid feelings, more is better, you know. But then an almost imperceptible voice in my head said, "um...you know, lisa...that's going to make you feel so much worse." And from that tiny little voice came an idea. Maybe, instead of a Blizzard, I could get something a little healthier. I could still go to the marina and have my alone time. I could still spend the time wallowing in my own misery. I just didn't need to bury myself in ice cream at the same time. Ice cream never solved anyone's problems...at least not anyone over the age of 8. Maybe, I could soothe my sore heart by treating myself nicely. What a concept.

I ended up getting a non-fat decaf latte. I went to the marina. I watched the sailboats come in. I listened to some music.

I'm still sad. But I'm also a little hopeful. Hopeful that if I nurture that tiny voice she'll come around more often. I like her.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Do I need a new job?

My job is pretty interesting. I really like it, mostly. But it's shift work and that's really hard on me. My worst days, emotionally and physically, are the days after I'm scheduled to work until 1:30 a.m. I come home and it's 2:30 before I get to bed and usually 3 before I'm asleep. The girls are usually up by 8:00. That's five hours.

I used to do just fine on five hours sleep. Not anymore. I come home hungry at 1:30 in the morning, so I eat. I'll usually have leftovers from dinner and/or something snacky...cookies, cake, whatever is handy. Then, after my whole five hours of sleep, I wake up hungry again. And because I've had an insufficient amount of sleep, the next day I'm cranky, depressed, too tired to exercise and very likely to make poor food choices.

I only work part time but it feels like so much more! Partly because I don't work the same days or shifts each week. It varies greatly from week to week and that's difficult in itself. Other people don't seem to have a problem with it and most of them work full time. I can only say that I'm older than most of the people I work with and I'm one of only a couple of people that have families with small children to look after. Before I had children, I would have thought that was just an excuse...but now, I know different!

I've made a request to have my schedule normalized somewhat. Hopefully, something will come of it. If not, I really don't know what I'll do. This is too hard.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Deja vu

I really dislike the "Okay, I'm getting back on track now" portion of the weight loss show. I feel like I'm saying it all the time and it's gotten to the point where I'm sick of hearing myself say it. I mean, it wouldn't be so bad if I said it and then actually made some progress before backsliding and then having to start over again but it seems that I'm not making progress.

I know I need to turn this type of thinking around. Yes! I'm back on track! Two steps forward and one step back is still movement in the right direction! I'm not going to let myself down...I will do this

I think I'll take the girls for a bike ride...

My Girl

My sister's wedding was beautiful. Bonsie was the most perfect flower girl I've ever seen. She's four and her day started with a hair appointment at 10:00 am and she didn't stop until 10:30 that night, which was when I was finally able to tear her away from the reception! She handled it all like a champ. I'm so proud.

My husband and youngest daughter weren't able to make it. That made me really, really sad. But I'm trying to see it as a blessing in disguise. Because it was just the two of us, I was able to devote my full attention to Bonsie and to making sure that she was fed and well hydrated all day long, that she had sun block and bug spray on (outdoor wedding), and that she knew exactly what was coming next. We really made the best of it. We had a great time together.

Everyone commented on how beautiful and well behaved she was. Again, I'm so proud. And I'm very lucky!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Frankly, my dear...

I don't believe I'm going to figure this out. I know that to figure it out, I have to believe I can. But I'm caught here, in this place where I don't care enough to save my own life. It's exactly like that episode of Grey's Anatomy where Meredith gets knocked into the river and doesn't swim. Only I'm not already rail thin, or a doctor, or dating Patrick Dempsey...but other than that, it's the same.

I guess the trick now, is to make myself give a damn. How do I do that?

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Apathy

1. Lack of interest or concern, especially regarding matters of general importance or appeal; indifference.
2. Lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness.

That pretty much sums it up.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Raise your hand if you're an emotional eater

My husband just told me that he has to be on call next weekend. The weekend that my younger sister is getting married. The weekend that our daughter is going to be a flower girl. Wouldn't be such a big deal if the wedding wasn't three and a half hours away! This means he won't be going. This also means that our youngest daughter won't be going...because there's no way I can keep her happy while doing everything with Bonsie that needs to be done. We have to go to the rehearsal and then the rehearsal dinner, Bones has a hair appointment the morning of the wedding, I'd like to be able to enjoy the wedding dinner and dance afterward instead of fighting with Berio the whole time and then having to leave really early, etc., etc.

I'm super bummed about this. We've all been looking forward to this for a long time. And now, it might not happen as we planned.

So, how am I coping? Well, my husband took Bonsie to go and rent a movie and as soon as they left, I started trolling the kitchen. Dinner is as soon as they get back, so it's not like I need to eat right now. And it's not as though I'm consciously doing it in response to this bad news. I just feel angry and disappointed and sad. And I guess I've trained myself to soothe those feelings away with snacks. The problem is, if I'm not soothing myself with food, then I guess the alternative is to just feel these feelings. And I don't want to feel angry and disappointed and sad.

So now what?

Onward!

I've been doing this blog since, what? February? And I've been going back and forth with the same 7 lbs for all that time. Not cool. But it's okay. I'm pretty sure we're on the move again. And really, even slow movement in the right direction, is movement in the right direction, yes? Yes. I think so too.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Do it or die

I was just browsing around at Sparkpeople and I came across this quote, "...if you needed kidney dialysis you'd find the time for it or die. If you had cancer you'd make the time for chemo and radiation or die. A virtual gun is to your head in those two scenarios and you respond accordingly, making the other items in your life's agenda secondary. Until you assign optimum physical conditioning a similar level of urgency you'll make convenient excuses as to why you can't (or won't) find or make the time for it. Convince yourself you will literally die unless you do it. Who knows, it may very well be true."

It's a quote that the spark person found somewhere else, so I really don't know gets the credit for saying it. But it's so true, don't you think?

Thursday, July 31, 2008

My husband, my enabler

My husband and I have a solid marriage. He's a really good man. He loves me and our girls more than anything. But in the area of food, we are toxic for each other. One of us can be doing really well with eating and exercise and inevitably, the other will offer up a heaping serving of temptation.

For instance, I'm not really following any plan right now...just trying to eat healthy foods and get more active. I've been riding my bike to work when I'm on dayshift, I swim after Berio goes to bed, I've taken the girls for a ride in the bike trailer a couple of times and I'm trying to get back into WiiFit...that sort of thing. Nothing really structured or anything but I'm making an effort. And almost every night, my husband sends me to the store (or tries to - sometimes I don't go) to buy him junk food. And on the nights I say no, he'll go and he'll ask me if I want anything. The answer is yes. Yes! Of course I WANT something. I want chips and chocolate and candy and ice cream. It is SO hard to say no. I struggle. Really. I don't want to have to fight this battle every day. And I really wish I didn't have to fight it by myself. But I do.

My husband and I are going to die if we keep on treating ourselves the way we do. Our daughters will watch us eat ourselves into an early grave. Maybe we'll live long enough to see them graduate, get married and start families. There's a very real chance we won't. And it's entirely likely that they'll follow our lead. That they'll make horrible food choices and stay sedentary and that will cut their lives short.

I can't hold anyone responsible for what I eat but me. I need to take responsibility, right now.

Food is love

My house is a mess. Well, it's not that bad...but there's stuff to be done, that's for sure. I've been kind of lazy lately. Not sure what that's all about but I'm starting to feel better, I think. In fact, I already did a 15 minute workout from Sparkpeople and am planning on taking the girls out for a bike ride as soon as I get my arse in gear.

I've been irritated with my mother-in-law lately because she brings over entire bags of cookies (among other things) for the girls practically every time she comes over...and who do you think eats it all?? My husband told her to stop it and I guess she told him, "Just tell yourself to just have one today and one tomorrow, etc." Pretty sure if we could easily do that we wouldn't have close to 200 lbs between the two of us to lose! Don't get me wrong, I love this woman. Love, love, love her. She's great to me and my family and my girls adore her...but she's old school, you know? Food = love. And she REALLY loves us! Anyway, I think she got the point for now. We'll probably go through this again in six months, though.

My own mother hasn't even been to my house in six months or more. That's another story for another day, though.

I'd better get moving. I just told Bonsie that we'd go out for a bike ride, so I guess I'm committed now!

Friday, July 25, 2008

Good days and bad days

I've been off Celexa for about three and a half weeks now. I've noticed that over the past couple of days the dizzy zaps have almost completely receded. That's nice. My stomach still hurts every time I eat, though. Not sure if that's a 'coming off the C' thing or a 'starting on the Wellbutrin' thing. Either way, I hope it lets up soon. I'm still feeling pretty out of control for the most part. I mean, not completely out of control...just out of control for me. My girls get on my nerves about a million times faster than they should. This morning I felt fine. And then I noticed that tight feeling in my chest and my patience level dropped to a fraction of what it normally is. I try not to take it out on the girls but I know they know when I feel like this. And that makes me feel like a piece of shit. I don't call them names or hit them or anything. But I am more likely to lose my temper and yell at them when they don't listen to me right away - and let's face it, they're 2 and 4, they don't listen to me a lot! I feel like I'm yelling all freaking day. I need to practice giving myself a time out when I get like that with them. It's not their fault their mother is a lunatic.

Yesterday was a great day, though. I almost felt like my old self again. I hope that's a sign of things to come.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Yay! (Not)

It's 2 AM and I just got home from work. I'm going to go to bed really soon because I have to get up at 6:30...yep, 4 and a half short hours from now...because I said yes to some training that I probably should have declined. What an idiot.

Oh, but here's a real 'yay' for you. I've been doing really well with increasing my activity levels. I've been swimming, taking my bike to work, doing some online resistance band workouts and today I even loaded up the girls in the bike trailer and took them for a 35 minute ride. I'm trying to act the part of someone who is healthy until I actually become someone who is healthy.

So..yeah.

Good night.


Just for funsies I'm updating this post...I went to bed at 2:30. And watched the clock until about 3:15! At around 3:45 (I really have no idea what time it was) Berio woke up and needed me. Usually she goes back to sleep, but not this time! So I ended up getting about three and a half hours of interrupted sleep. And the training was physical training...I seriously had to stop and think about which was my right and which was my left. Sleep deprivation, it's a trip!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Mmmmmuffins!

I really hope the way I've been feeling lately is the result of the changes in medication. Because otherwise, I got me some problems!

Anyway, I made these muffins today. They're delish. They're so good for you it's a little unbelievable. I make them with whole wheat flour and have tried the recipe as is (great), tried substituting dates for the raisins (great) and substituted a cup of canned pumpkin for the apples (great!). You could probably use zucchini in place of the carrots if you happened to have a bunch of those in your garden...you could use any kind of nut that you wanted or no nuts at all...you could put any dried fruit in there in place of the raisins...well, you get the idea!

These are fantastic for breakfast on the go, especially if you're like me and it's either breakfast on the go or no breakfast at all!

Try them!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Tie a knot - Part 2

Apparently, Celexa withdrawal can take as long as eight weeks. I've been off of it for three. If I'd done my research before I was put on this medication, I most likely would not have taken it. I most likely would have asked for something else.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Heading home

I'm going to my hometown today. My youngest sister is getting married and her bridal shower is tonight. I'm so excited for her but of course, in my mind, I've managed to make it all about me. Everyone is going to be looking at me. Everyone is going to be talking about me. For ages after tonight, everyone at the shower will be consumed with the memory of how fat I've gotten.

C'mon, Lisa. Get a grip.

Yes...people will likely notice that I've put on weight. But so what? If they're the kind of people that would snicker behind my back about it, who needs them? And if they're the kind of people who would spend any more than 5 seconds thinking about this, then they are the ones that are sad.

Fat is not who I am, it's just something that I happen to have more of than I used to. Deep breath.


And on a funny note, just because it makes it makes me smile...yesterday Bonsie and I were swimming. Well, she was doing a pretty shaky dog paddle and I was trying to make sure she didn't drown, and I said, "Sweetie, take your time. We're in here to practice not to race!" To which she replied, "I am practicing mom...I'm practicing WINNING!"

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Shopping for new clothes

I hate it. That is all.

.26 km

I'm going to go for a drive and see what that translates to on the road :-) I mean, so far I've swam more than 1/2 a mile in total! Neat.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

My ass is sore

LOL! Truly it is, though. I rode my bike to work and back for all three days that I was scheduled to work. It's not overly far. It's about a 20 minute ride each way. It's actually kind of a nice way to get going in the morning and then to wind down after work. And it really only takes 10 minutes more than it would if I drove. I doubt I'll be riding when I work evenings...first of all, hubby doesn't even get off work until a half an hour before I start my shift. I just don't have time to ride. Secondly, I could easily ride TO work on an evening shift, but I wouldn't like riding home (at 1:30 a.m.) one bit. So, we'll see. I'm thinking I might ride to work when I work evenings on the weekend and then I could ride home on my break and pick up a vehicle. During the week it wouldn't work because of the time factor.

But seriously...I don't remember my tushie being this sore when I was a kid and I rode my bike all the time! A co-worker assured me that it will go away in a week or so. I hope so!

Monday, July 14, 2008

Proving myself to myself

Have you ever had a friend that was always promising you things but never followed through? You know who I mean...they say you'll have dinner sometime next week and it doesn't happen, they promise to lend you that movie you've been dying to see but never remember to bring it over...that kind of thing. They are perpetual planners but they never follow through with anything. After awhile, you're not really surprised when they don't come through. You stop taking them seriously and you expect nothing from them at all.

It occurred to me the other day that I am that friend to myself. I have big plans. I plan everything... what to eat, what kind of exercise I'm going to do, my future. And I rarely follow through with anything. And now I've come to realize that even when I'm making all these big plans there's a voice in the back of my mind that just says, "WHAT.EVER." I don't even trust myself to follow through with anything. How sad is that? So, I'm going to work on that. For instance, when I tell myself I'm going to ride my bike to work, I'm going to actually do it. No excuses.

For the record, I did tell myself that I was going to ride my bike to work today and I did, in fact, ride my bike to work. Yay me!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

.24 km

22 lengths of a 36 foot pool = 792 feet. Converted to km, that's .241401.

Pretty cool, huh?

Friday, July 11, 2008

Tie a knot and hang on

Med changes suck.

About six years ago, I went to my doctor because I'd had a couple of anxiety attacks that really freaked me out. She explained that the attacks were probably the result of an increase in outside stressors and she said she'd prescribe me some Ativan to get me through any future panic attacks. I asked her if me feeling like my coworkers were suddenly all thinking that I was a complete idiot could be related. I told her that I was suddenly feeling extremely shy with people that I had been working with for years. And I was having a difficult time making even the smallest of small talk with people. And although I had always been kind of a loner I was starting to avoid social situations because of these feelings. She said it sounded like I had Social Anxiety Disorder and prescribed me some Celexa (20 mg/day).

Things improved. Greatly. I got married, got pregnant and got a new job.

Pregnancy really did a number on me. My hormones went all crazy and so did I. The first time wasn't so bad, but the second time was horrible. Seven months after the birth of my second daughter I was back in my doctor's office. I had a new doctor and he knew all my history and he thought it would be best to up my Celexa until I was feeling better. I started taking 40 mg/day.

I never really got better. And a year or so later I actually started to get worse. By the time Berio was two, I was a hot mess. My emotions felt like they were right at the surface and any little thing, good or bad, could make me cry. I started snapping at my husband and then the girls. I was quick to anger and my temper was like a match being lit. I know that's cliche, but there's a reason it's described that way. It's because that's exactly what it's like. I went to talk to Dr. M and he asked me what I wanted to do about it. I told him that the Celexa wasn't working and I wanted to switch meds. He suggested I try Wellbutrin.

He gave me a timeline for weaning off the Celexa and starting the Wellbutrin and told me to come back in six weeks and we'd re-evaluate.

So. Here I am. I took my last Celexa two weeks ago tomorrow and I'm still experiencing some unpleasant withdrawal symptoms. The most annoying one is the "shocks". It's like being zapped with dizziness. It's horrible! But that's not all...no! My sleep is disrupted, my joints ache and to top it all off I'm also experiencing some of the side effects of starting on the Wellbutrin. (sigh)

I guess I'll just hang in there a little longer and hopefully this will all clear up soon.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Was that it?

I went for a walk on my lunch break today at work. It wasn't overly hot out but I was sweating anyway. I wasn't walking fast, but I could feel my heart pounding and my joints started to ache nonetheless. I'm fat and out of shape.

Every once in awhile I'd catch a glimpse of my reflection in a store window. And I'd cringe.

On my way back to work I suddenly realized that I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of being fat and not doing anything about it. I'd explain more but it's the middle of the night and I should get back to bed...maybe tomorrow.

But I thought I'd better get this down. Just in case this was it...the moment it clicked.

Monday, July 7, 2008

1/10 of a mile

That's how far I swam today :-)

Monday, June 23, 2008

Inspiration

I've been pretty bad about posting here lately. There are a couple of reasons for this. First of all, I've been up to my old tricks. Poor eating habits, no exercise, depressed, yadda, yadda, yadda. Secondly, I had linked my blog to my signature from another site and I recently found out that a couple of girls I work with were visiting that other site. I was worried they would find me there, click the link and end up here. I really like both of these ladies, but the fact is, this is not something I want to be sharing with coworkers just yet! So, girls, if you have found your way here please just keep it to yourself. I don't want to talk about this just yet, okay?

Now, on to business. I've decided something. I want to be the inspiration. There are so many people out there who I find inspirational. Whether it's because they've lost a lot of weight or they're kind and optimistic or they're good parents or they've overcome great hardship or whatever...they are people that I look up to. Well, I want to be that for someone else. I do try to live my life as a good person overall and I hope that I already inspire others in that way, but I want to do more.

Stay tuned to be inspired.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

2 more days to go.

I finished hour 51 of my insane 68 hour week. And that's just the work that has to be done at work! My household is suffering. Obviously, I have zero time to blog. Check back next week.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Tea

I'm on a tea kick. I went to my weight loss group meeting last night and they had a speaker from a tea shop. When I first heard she was going to be talking about tea I almost got up and left. I mean, come on...tea? But honestly it was a really interesting topic. She told us about the health benefits of tea (the stuff benefits your heart, digestive system and practically prevents cancer among many other things!) and taught how to properly prepare it and store it and she explained the difference between loose leaf tea and tea that comes in tea bags at the grocery store. There's a pretty big difference. She was a very engaging speaker and she handed out free samples! I got the chocolate mint black tea...it was pretty tasty. Then today, Bonsie and I went to her shop and bought a couple of things. I bought some Strawberry Cream Rooibos (it's not actually "tea" and it's decaf so I'm going to make the girls some sweet iced tea with it) and something called Crime of Passion Green Tea. It's mild and fruity and delicious! I'm trying to get my husband to try some but he seems reluctant.

I'm also thinking of taking a Sunrise Yoga class after the summer is over. I know...how very zen of me!

The thing is, in addition to being fat, I'm depressed. And the depression is not just the result of being fat. I'm pretty sure I've been depressed since my teen years and I wasn't really fat then. And I don't want to be on the dosage of medication that I'm on now for much longer. I don't have a problem taking medicine. I understand that sometimes medicine is the answer. But I'd like to try some alternative therapies too. Like tea and yoga.

I mean, it can't hurt, right?

Weddings

My baby sister is getting married. She's 23 and is marrying her high school sweetheart. They're having an outdoor wedding in my hometown. It's going to be beautiful. It'll be the first time in years that most of my family will be together.

My daughter is going to be the flower girl. I'm so excited for her. She just turned four and has a tendency to be shy in front of strangers so I'm still not entirely convinced that she'll manage the walk down the aisle, but I can't wait for her to try. We haven't purchased her dress yet. She's been growing so fast lately and I want to make sure we don't have to make any last minute alterations because of a growth spurt! She's going to be beautiful.

I'm looking forward to it...sort of.

Most of me is dreading the middle of August. This day should be all about my sister (and to a lesser extent my daughter - for my husband and I, that is!) and all I can think about is how I'm going to be fat at this wedding and how I'm going to be ashamed to be seen in my hometown. Ten years and about 60 pounds ago I went to my brother's wedding. I thought I looked pretty good - until the pictures came back. Four years or so after that, I went to my sister-in-law's wedding. I took great care to find a nice dress so that I would fit in and on the night in question I thought I looked pretty nice. Until some old hag came up and told me that I looked like I'd gained a lot of weight since she'd seen me last.

When I think about the wedding and how embarrassed and ashamed I will be, it makes me want to cry. And eat. I wish I was a better writer so that I could explain.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Raking and bike riding

I'm so glad winter is finally gone for the year. Today we went outside and did a little bit of raking (and by raking I mean chasing the girls all over the non-kid proofed backyard) and then I got my bike and the bike trailer out from under the deck and we went for a little spin around the block. It was nice. My bum is going to have to get used to the seat all over again (how long does that take?) and I'm going to have to look into whether or not it's normal for my hands to go numb...but I hope to get out with the girls more often this year than I have in years past.

Two steps forward, one step back

I weighed in last night and was up a pound. I'm not surprised and actually am happy that it wasn't more. I didn't get here overnight and I'm not going to lose all the weight overnight.

I'm so tired. I worked late last night and didn't get home until 2:30! I was in bed by 3ish and luckily my husband didn't have to go into work right away this morning so I was able to sleep until 9:30. I need more sleep than that!!!! You'd think I'd be used to sleep deprivation what with Berio only just recently beginning to sleep through the night. Speaking of my baby, Berio, she turned TWO yesterday! Wow. Time flies. It's so fun to watch her personality emerge. She's SO her father's daughter it's not even funny! She gets is so easily frustrated and when she loses her temper she really loses it :-) That makes my husband seem like a big, mean baby! He's not. He's got a pretty long fuse, but when it's lit it burns quickly.

I really need to go grocery shopping. Sticking with any weight loss program really is dependent on being prepared. When I have my meals planned out and my kitchen is stocked with healthy foods, healthy eating is easy. I'm less likely to finish the box of Kraft Dinner that I made for the girls for lunch, I'm less likely to eat the chocolate that's always out at work and I'm less likely to go on a fast food run. Planning is very important. So, that's my plan for today. I plan to plan. I'm going to go through my cookbooks and find some healthy recipes, I'm going to get them together and make up a shopping list and I'm going to take two steps forward.

P.S. You may notice that I've changed my short term goal to 10lbs instead of 26. I decided to do that because I think my short term goals need to be even smaller so that I feel like I'm making progress. Plus, dividing the weight up into tenths makes losing a hundred pounds seem more doable. I'm almost one tenth of the way there! See? It works :-)

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Time to buckle down!

I'm scheduled for six evening shifts in a row. I started the first one last night. Usually, a string of evenings will kick my ass in the weight loss department. I don't get enough sleep, I eat late at night and I don't plan out all of my meals. I'm going to change that today.

More later...

Sunday, May 4, 2008

I have avoidance issues!

So, you may have noticed I haven't been around in awhile. Or not.

I was sick last week. Not deathly ill sick, just under the weather and feeling like a big baby sick. And the girls were sick - there was one night with three separate instances of vomiting. And hubby was out of town. And then hubby called from 10 hours away and told me that an ER doc told him he may have liver damage (long story, not going into it now, we still don't know anything) and I felt so helpless. And I don't handle any of those things well. So I resorted to my old habits. I'm not entirely sure of the damage because I missed weigh-in on Wednesday but I know it can't be good.

So, rather than come here and talk about how I'm not doing well and I need some help, I avoid this place like the plague. It's easier that way.

It's done. I'm back. 'Nuff said.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Wish I had more time!

It's 2:00 AM, I just got home and I'm exhausted! I want to update...really I do, but I just can't right now.

I was down 1.5 at weigh in today, which is great! Slow and steady wins the race.

I have to go to bed.

Good night!